Hi NeedAdvice123 and
You must really be at a point where you need something to change. Working 60 hours and then caring for the home would wear anyone down -- everyone has physical and mental limits, and it sounds like you're near yours.
It's interesting to hear that your W has a diagnosis -- how long has she had the diagnosis? Is she accepting of it, or minimizing of it, or does she approach it another way? Is she in any kind of treatment or therapy?
Do you have any supports or resources relating to your autism diagnosis?
And do the two of you have any kids?
...
This part of your post stood out to me as possibly an area where we can find that change that you need:
when I try to set boundaries about how I would like things to go, my boundaries are always over stepped, but when she sets boundaries that’s the law and if I overstep that’s it. She will walk away and throw tantrums because things get heated and it ALWAYS leads to “I can’t do this anymore” “why are we doing this let’s just get a divorce”. The next day things are different because she doesn’t actually want a divorce and she has calmed down enough to realize she said those things in anger and didn’t really mean them.
Tell me some more about what "boundaries" mean to you right now. I.e., when you say you try to set boundaries, what does that look like? what do you say or do?
Sometimes there's a "pop culture" idea of boundaries that gets in the way of having true boundaries. The "pop culture" idea is more like having preferences, trying to make others do or not do something, trying to have rules for others, or telling others "I won't tolerate it when you do X". Then, the other person "doesn't comply", and we get so frustrated, like "she never respects my boundaries... boundaries don't work on her".
There's a more accurate, more effective definition for boundaries.
True boundaries are rules for ourselves, that are fully under our control, and that don't rely on anyone else to agree, cooperate, follow the rules, or think it's a good idea.
With true boundaries, the only person who can "break" or "disrespect" our boundaries is ourself... not anyone else. As odd as that sounds, it puts a lot of power back in our hands.
Anyway -- take a look at that link when you have a chance; I'd be interested to learn what stood out to you. Also, if you're up for it, feel free to write out how a typical argument goes for you two (like a movie script: "he said... she said... he said"). We can definitely work with you on finding ways to make changes that are fully under your control
Glad you found us;
kells76
