Exhausted and reactive

[Autumn Walk]

Not entirely sure how to start but I'm 10 year relationship with a partner who exhibits many of the elements of BPD and/or C-PTSD.  I myself have C-PTSD from a mix multiple combat deployments and a former wife who herself had BPD and C-PTSD.  So clearly I make wise choices.

I'm exhausted my the holidays are always very tough my partners immediate family all seem to have significant Behavioral Health issues.  She herself self medicates with alcohol (moderate quantities but regularly and unhealthy) is very reactive and labile has basically been a shut in except when dealing with her sister for the last ten months when she abruptly quit her job and recently left another after only a few days.

I've become more reactive as time passes and have been stretched thinner and thinner partner "C" is does not recognize how dysfunctional things are and when I voice the need to take care of myself and that I am burnt out either dismisses it or shows frustration and conversations can go on for hours at exhausting high intensity warping in on themselves.  She wants me to work full time, manage meals, manage her drinking and all the while has been putatively open to therapy but manages to never do anything about it while showing immense frustration when I drop the ball on relatively minor tasks.

I am in therapy we only just this week began to address the severity of her condition and the impact it has.  When I attempt to set boundaries it seems to backfire and I end up apologizing while feeling like I'm going insane this has left me extremely reactive and anxious. Next therapy session is in two weeks and I'm just at a loss.

Not even sure what I'm asking other than venting.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Autumn Walk and a warm

We all show up here with a history, sometimes of trauma, sometimes of family of origin (FOO) issues, sometimes just a lot of life stuff. So you're in good company here with other members who are not only coping with a current BPD relationship, but are also juggling their own hurts, wounds, and pasts. You're making a wise move to get into therapy, at minimum for yourself, no matter what your partner does or doesn't also do.

Ten years is a long time; your relationship dynamics didn't get here overnight, so just know that as you work to turn things around, it won't be a quick fix. Many members are able to get to a "more livable" place in the relationship with their own work (regardless of what their partner participates in), so while difficult, it's not impossible to get to an "okay enough" space.

Two areas stood out to me in your post:

when I voice the need to take care of myself and that I am burnt out either dismisses it or shows frustration and conversations can go on for hours at exhausting high intensity warping in on themselves.  She wants me to work full time, manage meals, manage her drinking and all the while has been putatively open to therapy but manages to never do anything about it while showing immense frustration when I drop the ball on relatively minor tasks.

Tell me some more about that part in bold. Can you talk me through what that looks like, kind of like a "he said, she said" movie script (example below):

You: Babe, is it OK with you if I head out for a few hours?
Her: You're so selfish. Why do you never do anything to help?
You: That's not true; I literally just unloaded the dishwasher and swept the floor while you sat in your room.
Her: Unbelievable, you're so defensive, all you ever care about is you, not me.
...into an extensive circular argument...

I am in therapy we only just this week began to address the severity of her condition and the impact it has.  When I attempt to set boundaries it seems to backfire and I end up apologizing while feeling like I'm going insane this has left me extremely reactive and anxious. Next therapy session is in two weeks and I'm just at a loss.

Tell me about that part in bold, too. What's your current conception of boundaries? What does it mean to you to "attempt to set a boundary"? What does the "backfiring" look like?

Things are difficult right now -- but I think if we dive in to the circular arguments and learning more about boundaries, there are some opportunities there to turn down the temperature on conflicts.

One last question: do you two have any kids together?

Fill us in some more on your situation, whenever works best for you;

kells76