How to take things "slow"?

[Halden]

Hey everyone,
This is my first-ever post on this forum, and I would be incredibly grateful for any advice you can offer :`) A bit about my situation: I met a girl with diagnosed BPD 2 months ago, and we seemingly went through the idealization and devaluation cycle within just two weeks, which left me feeling as you can guess quite sad and confused. Now I need to add that she was very transparent about her struggles from the beginning and has been in therapy for over three years. However, I chose to completely overlook that and didn’t give it much thought, which honestly says more about me than it does about her. I’ve realized that I have my own issues that also require therapy. Because of this, things progressed very quickly and very intense between us, ultimately leading to my devaluation. Right before that, she mentioned that everything was moving too fast and that we were getting too close, which made her feel engulfed. After that, she became cold and distant and in order to understand this behavior I started reading about BPD and similar experiences that others have had when dating someone with the condition. I feel like I now understand her a little better and don’t hold any resentment towards her. As I mentioned, I also contributed to the situation because of my own unresolved issues, which I am committed to addressing now. Once I had this realization, I told her that I care about her deeply and suggested that if she wanted to, we could try taking things slowly... you know, like at a "normal" dating pace :`) After I said this, her demeanor shifted. She went silent for a few days but then came back, saying she struggles a lot with romance but still wants to give it a shot at a slower pace.
Now, here’s where I need your advice:
How do you approach taking things “slowly” with someone who has BPD? I understand that this will require a tremendous amount of effort, patience and that I risk getting hurt badly, but she means something to me, and I genuinely want to try. I think that one of the most important things is not to take the stuff she does personally, and I feel prepared for that.
Of course, every person is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Still, I’d appreciate any insights, tips, or shared experiences that could help me navigate this better. I really believe we can make it work

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[once removed]

How do you approach taking things “slowly” with someone who has BPD?

ultimately, people with bpd are just like you and me, but more extreme.

we all have a fear of abandonment and engulfment. every relationship has an idealization/honeymoon stage.

the difference between "personality disorder" and "ordinary, if maladaptive behavior" is severity.

so what does it take to love someone with bpd? the same relationship skills that are required to have a truly rewarding relationship, but more advanced. a "bpd relationship" is a special needs relationship.

I also contributed to the situation because of my own unresolved issues,

you mention this, but it would help to have examples of the behavior that caused friction. were you over-pursuing?

[Halden]

Hey "once removed"

I was indeed over-pursuing...I tried too hard to show her how much I care, matching her intensity in calls, texts, and so on. Even though she mentioned beforehand that she wasn’t used to such things, I overlooked all the subtle signs. It was really intense on both sides, and I guess I lost my head. :')

[once removed]

I was indeed over-pursuing...I tried too hard to show her how much I care, matching her intensity in calls, texts, and so on.

it happens! its good to recognize, and be able to dial back, as opposed to doubling down, when someone tells us. people are impressed with that.

its a perfect example of something that we all tend to react to, but people with bpd even more so.

i think that part of loving someone with bpd, part of the "special needs" part of the relationship, is not that you cant have needs, but that people with bpd especially dont do well with "needy". why? because they are needy. a needy person simply doesnt have a lot of emotional space for another persons neediness.

the tricky part? we, as loved ones (romantic partners of someone with bpd), have a tendency to be needy ourselves. that tends to be part of what attracts us at first, and then it can begin to drive us apart.

loving someone with bpd means someone has to be the emotional leader. it means compensating for what she lacks in the relationship; meeting needs that arent our partners specialty at meeting. certainly, it also means being able to assess whether the relationship meets your needs; i dont mean to suggest you sacrifice yourself on the altar.

this is a great place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[Halden]

Thank you so much

I’ve realized that one of us needs to be "the strong one" in this relationship, and I want to take on that role...or at least do my best to try. Do you have any advice on how to move forward from here? She approached me herself after all and told me that she struggles a lot with romance but feels that taking things slowly is helpful and thinks we can make it. However, she usually replies within 1 or 2 days and only with a few words. I’m not sure how we can work on the relationship if the communication remains like this. Would it be better to give her space and time? I doubt that reaching out to tell her I can’t be the only one carrying all of this would be the right thing to do :`)

I also understand that each person is different and I need to figure it out for her myself, but maybe you have some general advice for a situation like this?

[once removed]

However, she usually replies within 1 or 2 days and only with a few words.

there isnt a lot you can do with that, with anyone.

this has been a two month relationship, do i have that right? i understand youre taking things slowly - is it an exclusive relationship?

how did things actually come to a head between the two of you? you said things were great for two weeks, you over pursued, she went cold and distant since then, but is receptive to, and wants to give taking things a shot slowly.

tell us more about what led up to that. because this could be a situation where shes distancing from the relationship over issues with you/it, or it could be a situation where the relationship is just, for now, taking a back seat to mental health issues, or any other thing.

[Halden]

This all started after we met for the second time. The first meeting was just casual chatting and lasted a little over an hour because I had to leave for an important appointment. But the second time was much longer. When we met, she basically jumped at me, and we ended up going to her apartment. Things got a little "touchy".... tho nothing intimate happened.
After about an hour at her place, she suddenly became distant and cold, even refusing to let me sit next to her, saying she felt overwhelmed. We started talking about it tho, and after a short while, she opened up again. We ended up spending the hours cuddling until I had to catch my train back home. During our goodbye, she hugged me tightly and told me she felt really comfortable, which made me think that things were okay despite the earlier drop we had. However, the next day, she was quite unresponsive. By the evening, she sent me a message saying she feels like she doesn’t want to experience such strong emotions as love anymore. She told me that the main issue is her current mental state, that things became too close and personal too quickly, and that she has felt this way after every date she had so far. In addition to that, she also told me that she can’t handle "investing in another person’s problems" right now because I need to address those myself, and she needs to prioritize her issues first. This backs up the fact that I was over-pursuing and likely made her feel as though I was becoming dependent on her. When I told her that I want to work on these issues within myself, she opened up slightly again and said she likes me a lot and would be there if I need help with it.

Since then, things have been as I described earlier...a reaaaally stark contrast to before. Some might say she just realized she isn’t into me, and it’s as simple as that. But if that were the case, I don’t understand why she keeps saying she likes me very much, wants to give things a try but slowly, and believes we can make it. She knows she can either tell me directly if she doesn’t want to stay in contact or simply block me, and I’ve told her I would understand and accept it. Despite the coldness and distance, I can’t shake the feeling that she hasn’t fully given up on this, which leaves me confused about how to proceed. I should also mention that she works a lot, gets socially drained quickly, and told me early on that she doesn’t know how to take things slowly and step by step, also something I again completely overlooked. So it means then, this part is on me.

[SnailShell]

I can't speak to your whole situation, but a couple of pieces to the puzzle *might* be:

1- Consider taking things slowly within yourself too (don't rush to think "How can I make this work?", think "If I reserve judgement for a while, does she naturally reveal herself to be someone I want to invest my heart in? Is she *able* to be that for me?"

2 - Be mindful that BPD can facilitate some confusing thoughts, feelings, words and behaviours; and proceed with gentle caution for a while. Plenty of stories here start with 'I thought he/she was amazing - although, I ignored a few red flags too'. And many of those stories end with heartbreak which takes months to recover from (because BPD relationships tend to be... unusual...)

I'm not intending to vilify people with BPD there; and I'm not telling you what to do.

I'm just saying... be cautious

[once removed]

Some might say she just realized she isn’t into me, and it’s as simple as that.

could be.

But if that were the case, I don’t understand why she keeps saying she likes me very much, wants to give things a try but slowly, and believes we can make it.
...
she sent me a message saying she feels like she doesn’t want to experience such strong emotions as love anymore. She told me that the main issue is her current mental state, that things became too close and personal too quickly, and that she has felt this way after every date she had so far. In addition to that, she also told me that she can’t handle "investing in another person’s problems" right now

im inclined to take this at face value, though.

a lot of what goes into making a connection in dating is timing, and luck. this may be a person who is emotionally overwhelmed, and will be difficult, if possible, to date.

could that change? it could. are you fully prepared to pursue this if it doesnt?

if the issue is her mental health and circumstances, then the thing to do is not rock the boat or come between that. you want to be a safe outlet. fun. a reprieve. a large part of that in the short term is just dialing back a little and giving her space. the rest, generally, is making yourself more attractive/appealing to her. thats more difficult in the short term if shes giving you short answers and days go by between them - there isnt much opportunity to attract her, and you dont want to overwhelm her or chase - so youre kind of in a "dial back, but be available, and take opportunities if she presents them" mode.

to an emotionally unavailable person, especially one focusing on their mental health, a new relationship may seem exciting, but it can also look like baggage. you, as much as possible, want to make it instead look like something worth investing in, not something that will weigh her down. fun. upbeat. able to go with the flow.

but you cant force it and there are no guarantees. you can only play the cards youve been dealt, and hope for the best. mentally speaking, its important to be able to assess whether the situation is/becomes something to walk away from, or change strategy/invest more.

[Halden]

Thank you all so much for your advice!

I suppose it’s best if I take things slowly...not just for her sake, but for mine as well. When the opportunity arises, I’ll focus on showing her that it’s “fun” and safe to be around me, even if it’s only for a short time or just once a week. The most confusing part of all this is that, after everything, it feels like we basically have to “start over” as if we’re complete strangers. I’ve noticed this is a common theme in stories about people who have been in relationships with someone with BPD. I can also understand the appeal of simply running away...it provides a sense of closure and spares you from constantly doubting and overthinking with questions like “Maybe if I do this or that, she’ll like me again?”

Ironically, in my attempt to make this work, I feel like I first have to detach myself and lower my expectations. It’s truly an unusual and challenging experience :`)