Hi MindfulDad and a warm
As difficult as your family's situation is right now, it's good to hear that your D15 is seeing a psych and CBT therapist, that the CBT therapist is open to the step up discussion, and that your family is motivated to make positive changes to be more effective. That's a solid foundation.
DD has been seeing a regular CBT therapist since May, but it doesn't seem to have had much of an impact. We recently had a discussion with this therapist about moving to a step-up facility that does a DBT intensive outpatient program. I'm praying that my daughter is agreeable to this as the alternative would be inpatient and likely against her will.
Are you in a US state where 15 year olds can make their own mental health treatment decisions? Some states do give young teens a lot of leeway, some don't. Is your concern more that legally, you and Mom can decide that she needs an IOP or inpatient, but she'd physically resist/run away/the relationship would break/etc?
The restricting of her phone is a HUGE trigger. Which is problematic on so many levels as it really seems that social media makes her issues so much worse. She has a really hard time maintaining stable friendships (always has) and has torched friendships with social media posts.
What's the current phone setup in terms of house rules, a contract, access times, rewards/consequences, etc?
That must be painful for you to see her lose friendships over social media.
My wife and I have been trying to educate ourselves with various books ("Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents") and youtube videos. It's obvious we have a lot of work to do and need to make significant changes with how we parent her.
I think that's a mindset that will take you far.
"Normal range" parenting does not seem effective for pwBPD (persons with BPD). Because they struggle with extreme emotional sensitivity (stuff that wouldn't feel hurtful to you, does to them), extreme emotional reactivity (stuff that wouldn't set you off right away, does set them off quickly), and long return to emotional baseline (stuff you could get over in a few hours might take them days), "normal" parenting practices (trying to change the child) can backfire.
In a way, it's like if your child spoke a totally different language from you. You're speaking Spanish and your child is speaking Thai, so of course there's going to be misunderstanding, escalation, hurt, frustration, and confusion, as you wonder why she won't just do what you ask, and she feels so totally misunderstood.
The fact that you and your wife are willing to learn new, unintuitive, but more effective parenting that is tailored to your D15's "language" is huge. Not easy, but hopeful.
I just wanted to vent a bit. If anyone has any insight, recommendations, or even words of hope, I'm all ears.
I just finished the
National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder free 12 week class called
Family Connections, which is a structured family education course for family members, partners, loved ones, or other relatives, of a pwBPD. The goal is to learn new, more effective ways of relating to the pwBPD, based on up to date clinical information and approaches. While the pwBPD in my life isn't a child (it's my H's kids' mom), I still felt welcomed and able to learn better ways to interact with my stepkids who are growing up in a BPD-infused environment. I strongly recommend signing up. There will likely be a ~6 month wait so it's worth it to get on the list now.
If your D15 struggles with suicidality, they do have a
Managing Suicidality & Trauma Recovery course that occasionally has no waitlist or a shorter waitlist.
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Are you and your wife in any kind of therapy or counseling? What about your younger daughter?
BPD impacts the whole family in very challenging, very stressful ways. Getting as much support as you can in various ways can make your days more bearable.
I can also comment that my stepdaughters are now 16 & 18, and 15 was absolutely the most challenging age for both of them, even without BPD. So I hope that as your D15 gets older, that may also help, as her brain develops a little more.
One last thought: have you had a chance to read Dr. Blaise Aguirre's book
Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents yet? I appreciated his section on "is it BPD or is it being a teenager". Like you mentioned, your D15 doesn't have an "official" diagnosis, but sometimes you do know that the behavior is beyond "typical teen". Aguirre does advocate for pre-18 diagnoses as a way to improve outcomes earlier.
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Looking forward to learning more of your story, and being here for you and your family;
kells76
