Well, here I go. I guess I could probably start with myself. I’m guessing that my mother had borderline personality disorder. I have always had ADHD. I was raised by two parents, completely opposite in personality. I had a good childhood but was always pushed hard or helicoptered by my mother which lead to constant conflict as a teenager. My dad was keen to support me and offer plenty of support and encouragement, in attempts to balance my mothers chaos and attitude..
I have so many other family issues that I faced as a young adult, but managed to get through college. In grade school, I had learned to love myself, was confident and healthy; but sometimes this adhd made for high risk social behaviors (picking my wife,
). I was very curious and taught to deal with my adhd, with no treatment and think this was due my intellect and maybe the multiplicity effect.
I then met my wife of 16 years after college. I was literally in the gutter (more family issues and social instability). I’d been given a place to stay with family but after my parents divorce, all of my support was gone. I graduated from college, only to have less emotional support than ever before. So when the extended family badgered me away from the security of my grandmother, I was lucky to have met my future wife. We moved in and soon married which is where my story actually begins.
This year I had finally made some moves to get my wife a mental health diagnosis. We have been married for 16 years. This is a marriage that has been a lot of work for me since day one. My wife and I are both college grads. We are smart and hard working. Life is not easy and I never assumed this was gonna be either, but the emotional issues had lead me to be isolated in my own marriage. I really should have seen this coming, and imagine that it’s only possible because of my ADHD. If I was given advice on this relationship or her character, I may have chosen a different partner.
But, here we are 16 years in and she GOT her diagnosis. BPD with depression and anxiety. This place with her was not always this way and I’m sure many of our issues stem from my weaknesses to but as many people may know, the suicidal rants can be a lot to handle. I was very supportive and always talked with my wife about her emotional issues. It’s mostly been doable by listening and identifying with her struggles. This would in my view, keep her happy. And move us forward together. Never actually in the place or with the purpose I truly hoped for, but enough to sustain.. It’s wasn’t until she had so much rage, psychosis, or complicated splits that I started to pinpoint a potential diagnosis myself. I must have read 15 medical journals on alternative treatment programs and every single diagnostic manual I could find, before I attempted to intervene.
So onto my lovely wife. She was raised in, what I thought was a similar childhood family environment, except for no late divorce. When we met I learned she went to a Christian university. I thought this was a good foundation as a potential partner. Which actually turned out as one of her fault/traumas. She was immediately upon dating, a little sensitive. She had a lot of views and opinions, and initially she seemed a little feminist. I learned we had similar views and was always, working to boost her self confidence, thinking that this idea she had as a victim was born from hard times before I met her.
I found all of this was from bad parenting. She was I guess a difficult child and coined by her grade school teachers as emotional difficult. Her parents said nothing is wrong with her. Many years later she would be forced to attend a conservative college. She had issues with following the major requirement. She had conflict during travel and claimed she was homesick, as group leaders cornered her about her behaviors.
Her parents never made judgements that in high school she worked at Bible camp, then moved directly to college after summer employment, all in general opposition to living under her parents rule/roof. She was never told to study a subject but heavily criticized and told by her father how worthless her choice to study music/choir was. She left college after 4 years, walking at graduation, but never finalized her degree. Anything to avoid her parent’s judgment. This behavior continues after this by her mother and father treating her as a normal child. They refused to help her financially after college and she struggled to eat, have steady room and board, or developed freedom from her father’s narcissistic behavior that defined her entire life. Her mother although loving and kind is still extremely submissive to him and honestly never helped her daughter emotionally.
So this is hard. I understand the majority of people dealing with this have dependent children who are diagnosed with BPD. This can sometimes be a struggle for any parent, to develop an independent thriving child. This is not the case. My wife and I have had nothing but the cold shoulder, if not straight neglect from all of our parents. This all seems to stem from a lack of emotional support, but really as a faulty moral authority. As though we must still obey them and often are told that they can’t favor us or that they don’t want to be unfairly judgmental. I often point out the fact that they all are oldest boomer siblings themselves. Thinking this is reason for me to classify them. So my wife and I have been the ones who buck the expectations, and our siblings have not married their partners and not have children outside of marriage, yet all our parents financially assist our older sister still to this day. They asked if we needed fertility help, but never have developed friendships or peer relationships to support our desires, pretty much killing all hopes for me to have children or get support in doing so.
I just had a recent disagreement with my wife’s parents during the Christmas holiday. Being that my wife has triangulated them during conflict, they have been the ones to show up with a U-Haul, as I am drowning in my wife’s chaos. As a caregiver to my wife’s disability, I have been given zero credit or support. This year not unlike many, I was told the in-laws were coming to town for Xmas. This year her sister was all proud of her new home that my in-laws helped finance. And, the only real change outside my same struggles (home remodel, finances, etc) was my wife’s diagnosis. I was so proud of her. She had told her mom and dad about this all ahead of the family gathering. She also managed to try and explain my need for support, that was identified during the diagnosis and doctors efforts in establishing my wife’s care plan. So as this all happened, I also needed to change our home church and for the first time made the suggestion that my wife get involved in church chior. This has really helped both her sense of self and given me more stability and a better fellowship community; supportive of my wife and all that she is. So I left work Xmas eve and met them all at the church, to find that my sister in law, her children, and babies daddy, skipped out on coming to see her sing. I spent the whole prior day kissing there feet, and couldn’t take this insult. Both to me and my wife , especially considering her attempts to bridge this morally deficient family dynamic, by asking for support. So I protested, skipped Xmas dinner and the rest of the holiday with them. I’m proud of Jen for handling this well. Although she went herself to the family gathering, she did present them with my objections. Her mother still belittled my wife’s objections.
So why is this the rule? Why can parents who made two daughters attend the same Christian college, play this so differently? Narcissistic leadership is where I lean. why would they not demand the whole family attend this service and instead tell my wife that they can’t force this because baby’s daddy would not participate. Why do they support this and reject me and my wife? Because of course they forced everything on my wife’s identity and possibly cemented her BPD. How does this play out to be a lack of follow through for my mother and father in-law, yet be justified. Do these people really believe they are Devin or that their grandchildren will not grow and see this hypocrisy themselves. This is gonna be my end of this relationship with my wife if I can’t decouple from this all. Do they believe that loyalty is morality? I am just hoping to get a little cheer or support here. I didn’t need this and am starting to loose hope that I can sustain this marriage with them in the picture at all.
