Spouse Hospitalized

[314rabbit]

Just had a family meeting for my spouse's inpatient stay, at my request. It went very well, and it looks like my spouse will be staying longer than their initial estimate. Also maybe not!

Feeling pretty helpless, and very lonely. My spouse is my very best friend and I miss them.

They took some test that screens for personality disorders. Can anyone shed some light on that? It's been a really intense day, and I didn't even ask what it was called. A provider has said "borderline personality disorder" out loud to my spouse, for the very first time. We've been shouting it for months!

Grateful, lonely, scared, sad, but also very supported.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Granite Chief]

We need to make friends and take care of ourselves. Or our wives will suffer for it because We cannot support them.

Congrats on a doctor finally telling her.

[kells76]

Wow, 314rabbit, that's a big change. Even with all the chaos and conflict that had been happening, it makes sense you're feeling lonely and at a loss right now -- the dynamic must feel pretty different with just you at home with your thoughts and feelings.

They took some test that screens for personality disorders. Can anyone shed some light on that? It's been a really intense day, and I didn't even ask what it was called. A provider has said "borderline personality disorder" out loud to my spouse, for the very first time. We've been shouting it for months!

One screening test often discussed here is the "Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory", which, as far as I understand, is not for BPD specifically, but can indicate if a person tends in certain directions ("addictive tendencies", "might be depressed", etc). There are other screening tools specifically for BPD, such as the "McLean Screening Instrument for Borderline Personality Disorder".

It could have been one of those (wouldn't surprise me if it was the MMPI or a version of the MMPI). Maybe the treatment center has its own screening tool, too. You could go to the center's website and see if they say what they use in intake/evaluation.

Has your spouse signed a release allowing doctors to disclose info to you? Or are you hearing things from your spouse directly, not from the doctors directly? Just getting a better picture of the setup.

How did your spouse respond (as far as you know) to hearing "BPD"?

[314rabbit]

My spouse is being discharged today, so a lot more has become clearer since my last post.

Still not sure if the screening tool used, but the official diagnosis is "General Affect Disorder with Bipolar and Borderline traits."

My spouse signed an ROI immediately, which gave me full access to their care team. Highly recommend it. I had to call a lot to get and give info, and the care team shared with me that 1. Nobody does that and 2. It was the most helpful part of caring for my spouse. They thanked me a lot, and I them.

My spouse is pretty glad to have someone at least say that they have borderline traits, and in all honesty I think that this vague diagnosis does describe them better than anything else I've heard from the docs. Most of the time, psychiatrists just ignore and neglect my spouse, so we're very happy with our experience.

At first, my spouse was angry and resentful. Now they're feeling grateful for the experience. I'm grateful too, going home today!

[kells76]

My spouse is being discharged today, so a lot more has become clearer since my last post.

Discharged back to your home? If so, how has that gone the last few days?

My spouse signed an ROI immediately, which gave me full access to their care team. Highly recommend it. I had to call a lot to get and give info, and the care team shared with me that 1. Nobody does that and 2. It was the most helpful part of caring for my spouse. They thanked me a lot, and I them.

Really glad that worked out, and that everyone was on board with you getting info. Family involvement can make treatment and recovery more possible.

Still not sure if the screening tool used, but the official diagnosis is "General Affect Disorder with Bipolar and Borderline traits." ...

My spouse is pretty glad to have someone at least say that they have borderline traits, and in all honesty I think that this vague diagnosis does describe them better than anything else I've heard from the docs. Most of the time, psychiatrists just ignore and neglect my spouse, so we're very happy with our experience.

It's really good to hear that your spouse felt heard and cared about. I hope that experience opens some doors to committing to treatment and recovery.

What's the followup/outpatient plan, as far as you know?

At first, my spouse was angry and resentful. Now they're feeling grateful for the experience. I'm grateful too, going home today!

Glad you both are in a positive place for the moment, despite the really challenging road to get there. Keep us posted on how things are going, any time.

[314rabbit]

Coming home has definitely had its moments. We're about a week into it, and things have definitely started to improve.

Bad stuff: extreme emotionality is still present, and, in some ways, worse. My spouse will drive so aggressively it scares me, and it's over things like me asking them to unpack from the hospital 5 days later. I have been managing to keep my cool, and use skills, but it's still so alarming at times. My spouse yelled at their therapist, and psychiatrist. Other times, my spouse is a puddle of tears because of how much they hate themself. So tiring for both of us, we've been going to bed super early.

Good stuff: Good moments are not hard to come by anymore. My spouse is keeping up with household duties, and I've been able to give some flexibility due to that more consistent effort around the house. I now have Christmas gifts under the tree with my name on them! Which was such a life ruining idea (for them) before hospitalization. We've experienced some life setbacks, but we're both able to roll with the punches a bit better than before. I feel stronger, which gives my spouse better support.

Mixed bag, but it's just gonna go how it's gonna go. We've made major restructuring moves to our life, so it's easier to know who needs to do what. I've decided to make our home a "therapeutic home environment" since we both really need it.

[314rabbit]

My spouse has been home a few weeks now, and things are going well. They seem more willing to use skills in order to self regulate and we both seem to have a little more breathing room.

Today's record very highlight: spouse was highly deregulated because the needle to the sewing machine broke and it was "their fault." (Their words, not mine) Eventually, they started to bubble over but made some good regulation choices to get back to an even keel. It was neat to watch, and I'm so grateful for psychiatric care.

[kells76]

Thanks for the updates; I think the "mixed bag" aspect can be pretty normal post-discharge. It is heartening to hear that a week later, things are more generally improving than not.

Bad stuff: extreme emotionality is still present, and, in some ways, worse. My spouse will drive so aggressively it scares me, and it's over things like me asking them to unpack from the hospital 5 days later. I have been managing to keep my cool, and use skills, but it's still so alarming at times. My spouse yelled at their therapist, and psychiatrist. Other times, my spouse is a puddle of tears because of how much they hate themself. So tiring for both of us, we've been going to bed super early.

Has driving been a point of conflict between you in the past?

I think it's OK for your spouse to yell at the T and psych    those professionals understand the recovery process and it's likely that "hating" the treatment team is part of the process. Better that your spouse yells at them than at you: not that yelling is the best way to handle feelings, more that at this moment in time, it could be that your spouse yelling at the T is an OK sign and normal stage in long term treatment, not a bad thing.

Also sounds promising that instead of you two staying up late going in circles and having conflicts, at some level you are on the same page that it's better to just go to sleep.

Good stuff: Good moments are not hard to come by anymore. My spouse is keeping up with household duties, and I've been able to give some flexibility due to that more consistent effort around the house. I now have Christmas gifts under the tree with my name on them! Which was such a life ruining idea (for them) before hospitalization. We've experienced some life setbacks, but we're both able to roll with the punches a bit better than before. I feel stronger, which gives my spouse better support. 

Household chores were a big pain point in the past, correct?

It's really interesting that when you genuinely feel stronger, more supported, and more skilled, your spouse does better.

Mixed bag, but it's just gonna go how it's gonna go. We've made major restructuring moves to our life, so it's easier to know who needs to do what. I've decided to make our home a "therapeutic home environment" since we both really need it.

That sounds like a great idea. In the Family Connections class I was in, they discuss how a more validating home environment is a relief to everybody.

What are your top priorities for changing your home into a therapeutic environment?

...

My spouse has been home a few weeks now, and things are going well. They seem more willing to use skills in order to self regulate and we both seem to have a little more breathing room.

Today's record very highlight: spouse was highly deregulated because the needle to the sewing machine broke and it was "their fault." (Their words, not mine) Eventually, they started to bubble over but made some good regulation choices to get back to an even keel. It was neat to watch, and I'm so grateful for psychiatric care.

Really glad for you both.

There will still be downs (two steps forward, one step back); that being said, it must bring you a lot of hope to see your spouse able to regulate. And I hope your spouse feels pride, at some level, or maybe just less shame, for being able to get back on track without falling apart. What a relief.

[314rabbit]

Hi Kells76,

Driving hasn't been a sticking point in the past, but now that it's becoming a "thing" for us, I'm choosing to not get into the car as often as before. Today, for example, my spouse was having meltdown after meltdown while getting ready to go to market (we're farmers, and my spouse's responsibility is market). I chose not to go this week, even though I was looking forward to it.

Household chores have been such a big deal for us, and continue to have stop and starts. They go between not doing their chores and then doing a bunch on one day and getting burnt out before finishing and I have to pick up slack (still). The house is cleaner though, and it's getting somewhere.

Therapeutic home environment has more structures for managing the home life, and room for rest and rejuvenation. My spouse doesn't quite hit the mark on either. When it's time to work, they do not want to work. When it's time for rest, they do not want to rest. It seems that they would like to avoid chores when it's working time and be anxious about undone chores when it's rest time. I let them do that, and I continue to rest and work as appropriate. My spouse will often join me, which has been very nice. Sometimes, they are to sick to do so. I plan date nights, at home and away. Sometimes we eat special desserts. I do all of the financial budgeting, because my spouse cannot be trusted with simple financial tasks (we were in the red only a few months ago, now we have a savings.) My spouse is miserable at their current job, so I applied for a few jobs for them to get them a new one. They want a new job, but is unwilling to fill out applications. I also want them to have a new job (they can only work 15 hours a week where they currently are), so I broke down and did the apps for them. There's a lot that *I* do for the therapeutic home environment, but I'm much better off handling the things that need to be handled well, and giving my spouse the tasks that just need to be done at some point.

This morning in particular was pretty tough. My spouse tried to play some old tired games with their meds, so I pointed out that those games no longer work in our household. A part of our home environment now is that we fill out med managers together, once a week. No pill counting and pharmacy chasing in the meantime. This becomes such a headache, with us "needing" to go to the pharmacy around twice a week, more if I need something. My spouse counting pills this morning turned into a discussion about our household med management system, and that got heated so quickly that I opted to stay home. Once I did that, my spouse started banging around, stomping, screaming slurs at me (that they insist that since the slurs were directed at themself, that I should not feel any type of way about it), taking lighters so that they can burn themself, the whole nine.

I'm amazed at how folks with BPD can turn very simple conversations into "you might have to go back to the hospital if you continue to spiral" and then it gets so out of hand so quickly.

I (tried) to stay calm, and I did hold my ground on not going. My spouse freaked out because they didn't have breakfast or lunch packed. They also didn't drink their coffee, because they chose to count pills instead of drinking it with me. They ended up leaving 15 minutes late because between the screaming and me not helping (because I did not want to be screamed at and chose to continue to drink my coffee). They came back in crying a few times begging me to go with them, and I just kept saying "I understand that you're sad, but I cannot come because of how you're treating me." I've been pointing out to them that their extreme emotional outbursts take up A LOT of our time, and I've begun to just allow my spouse to run out of time.

This Saturday, we're pulling the tree stand out of the woods they used to hunt. It's been up for two years, and I've asked my spouse to pull it for the last year and a half. They didn't even sit in it this season. Well, my spouse didn't pay their dues on the land and time has run out. It's coming out on Saturday. They were very emotional about it, but I was firm in "This is not emotional, the time to do it is now because we are trespassing." No comment on how I've spent two years waiting. The time is now. Emotional procrastination will likely never stop for them, but it doesn't mean that I have to participate.