Ruminating and hurting (15m) - she left but I still live in her hell in my hell

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When, after ten years together, and two years of non stop cheating, interleaved with blame shifting, and rewriting past, and lying, and betrayal, and stepping over my boundaries to the point where I stopped mentioning them, and being validated by everyone around her for "how brave she is for taking care of herself", and blaming me for "not even trying", and begging us all to still be a big family (with her affair partner), and kicking me out to "have some space" (to cheat) - a therapist made me give her a (crying and sobbing) ultimatum (stop cheating) - and she seemed "not impressed" and refused (expecting me to bend?) - so I went complete NC hoping she'll change her mind. 

She didn't for the first four month or so, spending time having fun with her affair partner. By the time she did, I endured so much pain that wanted to torture her back by leaving her life completely, and her knowing that there's nothing else she can possibly do to fix it. I wanted her to come begging for forgiveness and for me to be disinterested and cold now. I wanted her to feel like she ________ed up the best thing in her life (our marriage) and realize that she will be trapped in this hell of her own doing in her mind forever. I wanted her to hate him for “making her make all these mistakes” again and again, I wanted her to hate everyone who validated her cheating or her abuse of me presented at at angle that made her a victim - like she hated me for “robbing her of her happiness” by never quite living up to the amazing qualities of her affair partners, and having an audacity to have some petty grievances of my own or to stand between her and them.

But now I am the one obsessed and hurting and trapped in hell, and she is the one who moved on. And now that she is surely long over me, possibly has had multiple partners since. And I am the abused hurting one.

Why does an image of her continues torturing me and haunting me more than a year after leaving me? Therapy is not helping, meds are not helping all that much, gym is not helping, being social and making new friends is not helping, keeping yourself busy at work is not helping - because eventually I am left alone with my thoughts, and arguing with her and being humiliated and blamed to the point where I stop standing up for myself comes back in my head. I am at the 15m mark and _____ has barely improved. I still think of her almost every day, and have dreams with her at least once a week.

At some points I question whether any of that was even real and whether I am a crazy obsessive sociopath who enjoys hurting people, who rewrote the past in an attempt to justify his distance, and coldness, and pushing her away, and if only I found more kindness in my heart to truly forgive and love her without any hurt feelings - she'd succeed at her attempts to establish a connection with me that she actually longed to have with me for so long.

Maybe I was (and still am) angry at an image in my head that had nothing to do with a real person who actually meant well and wanted us to have a family? And she left because because I withdrew and I was angry at this image?

I think I used to do that as a kid too - to live in fantasy relashipnships with people and daydream all day long. How do I move on after trying all these things?

[quadaba]

When, after ten years together, and two years of non stop cheating, interleaved with blame shifting, and rewriting past, and lying, and betrayal, and stepping over my boundaries to the point where I stopped mentioning them, and being validated by everyone around her for "how brave she is for taking care of herself", and blaming me for "not even trying", and begging us all to still be a big family (with her affair partner), and kicking me out to "have some space" (to cheat) - a therapist made me give her a (crying and sobbing) ultimatum (stop cheating) - and she seemed "not impressed" and refused (expecting me to bend?) - so I went complete NC hoping she'll change her mind. 

She didn't for the first four month or so, spending time having fun with her affair partner. By the time she did, I endured so much pain that wanted to torture her back by leaving her life completely, and her knowing that there's nothing else she can possibly do to fix it. I wanted her to come begging for forgiveness and for me to be disinterested and cold now. I wanted her to feel like she ________ed up the best thing in her life (our marriage) and realize that she will be trapped in this hell of her own doing in her mind forever. I wanted her to hate him for “making her make all these mistakes” again and again, I wanted her to hate everyone who validated her cheating or her abuse of me presented at at angle that made her a victim - like she hated me for “robbing her of her happiness” by never quite living up to the amazing qualities of her affair partners, and having an audacity to have some petty grievances of my own or to stand between her and them.

But now I am the one obsessed and hurting and trapped in hell, and she is the one who moved on. And now that she is surely long over me, possibly has had multiple partners since. And I am the abused hurting one.

Why does an image of her continues torturing me and haunting me more than a year after leaving me? Therapy is not helping, meds are not helping all that much, gym is not helping, being social and making new friends is not helping, keeping yourself busy at work is not helping - because eventually I am left alone with my thoughts, and arguing with her and being humiliated and blamed to the point where I stop standing up for myself comes back in my head. I am at the 15m mark and _____ has barely improved. I still think of her almost every day, and have dreams with her at least once a week.

At some points I question whether any of that was even real and whether I am a crazy obsessive sociopath who enjoys hurting people, who rewrote the past in an attempt to justify his distance, and coldness, and pushing her away, and if only I found more kindness in my heart to truly forgive and love her without any hurt feelings - she'd succeed at her attempts to establish a connection with me that she actually longed to have with me for so long.

Maybe I was (and still am) angry at an image in my head that had nothing to do with a real person who actually meant well and wanted us to have a family? And she left because because I withdrew and I was angry at this image?

I think I used to do that as a kid too - to live in fantasy relashipnships with people and daydream all day long. How do I move on after trying all these things?

[Pook075]

I think I used to do that as a kid too - to live in fantasy relashipnships with people and daydream all day long. How do I move on after trying all these things?

I'm so sorry you're still hurting so deeply a year later.  We all process grief and trauma differently and there are no timelines for healing.  There are some here who managed to move on within months of a toxic BPD breakup, while others took years without fully moving on.  There's no right or wrong way to grieve.

With that said, here are some milestones of acceptance that helped me move on:

1) This wasn't my fault.  My ex was mentally ill and because she refused proper treatment, she beat herself up inside and made poor choices.  I couldn't save her from herself and it was never my burden to carry.  Although I made mistakes like everyone else in the world, nothing that happened to end the marriage was my fault.

2)  My ex was broken inside and made bad choices to temporarily ease the pain.  Like any other injury though, a band-aid can only do so much and it won't heal a serious injury.  She's spent her entire life riding highs and lows with no idea why, and it will continue until she gets proper treatment.  The only true way to reconcile would be for her to fix what's actually broken...her mental health.  Accepting anything else is just repeating the broken pattern that caused everyone so much heartache.

3)  I am better off without my ex wife in my everyday life. I no longer accept the abuse from her and our relationship works as distant friends who talk every now and then.  This realization "freed me" because it allowed me to truly let go of the guilt and shame of a failed marriage.

4)  I still love my ex wife as a person, and I want her to find happiness without me.  She recently remarried (we separated 2.5 years ago) and I am happy for her, even though I know things will go sideways in that relationship because of points 1 and 2.  Still, I hope it works for as long as possible and they enjoy their time together.  My kids deserve that and she does as well.

I hope that helped!  One other thing I'll mention is that I got back in church after the separation and really focused on my faith.  I think that helped me make it through these four realizations much quicker than others, simply because I accepted that there's someone greater in ultimate control.