Does the smearing stop after the new supply leaves or they leave the new supply?

[Ganmal1]

My ex has been with her new supply for a bit and I notice she will block and unblock me randomly when they fight. She did the whole smear campaign with tons of crazy and horrible accusations of how I treated her of course no one in her family believed her since how she is. I was wondering if the public smearing will stop when she has no supply to bounce on and probably tries to charm back into my life.I Know she will always smear to her next supply I’m just wondering if they Finaly give up after her FP isn’t in their life’s anymore.

[kells76]

Hi there Ganmal1 and

BPD relationships do seem to have something of an "either-or" quality that can change moment to moment. Instead of smoothly incorporating all information and experiences about someone (the good and the bad together), the pwBPD often seems to flip between seeing the person as either a hero/savior/perfect, or as the cause of all problems/villain/abuser. Persons with BPD struggle to manage and integrate their own overwhelmingly intense inner emotions, and so the "you're great/you're evil" flip may "work" for them, dysfunctionally, because it may be easier for them to shift others between the "good" and "bad" roles than to look inside themselves.

Many pwBPD find it more comfortable to see themselves as victims of life's circumstances and others' actions; when that is coupled with that kind of "either-or" thinking, it can lead to Karpman Drama Triangle dynamics, which can be a helpful framework for understanding dysfunctional conflict between 3 persons. She's the victim, her new partner is the hero, and you're the villain... until her new partner is the villain, making you the hero if she's going to remain the victim.

Whatever she is or isn't doing, though, you're in the driver's seat for how much of that you allow into your own life.

Do you need to stay in contact with/following her for any reason (shared children)?

If not, what would it be like to remove her as a contact?

[Ganmal1]

I can fully remove her contact as we don’t have kids or anything like that but she has made alt accounts to get in contact  with me before. I know this is bad to say and I really and going to try and get some therapy but I’m holding some hope she tries with me again. Even though I know she can’t handle a relationship with her bpd there is still something there in my head that wants her, why I don’t know. Even after the smearing and everything but I know blocking is the way to stop all those feelings.

[Me88]

You don't want her man. She is actively sleeping with another guy, it's gross even thinking about. That alone should hurt so bad. She's being loving and kind. All the stuff you fell for. I too wanted to believe I was special. That only we had that connection. That she'd have a horribly hard time without me and everything I had to offer and provide.

Block her as much as possible. She's smearing your name. You want to take that back?

[Ganmal1]

I know and it’s a big problem that I have where I can still see the good in people who are bad I’m looking into therapy to see if I can stop that. I go from not even wanting to look at her to wanting her and i feel disgusted in myself for even thinking positive on her at all.

[HoratioX]

I know and it’s a big problem that I have where I can still see the good in people who are bad I’m looking into therapy to see if I can stop that. I go from not even wanting to look at her to wanting her and i feel disgusted in myself for even thinking positive on her at all.

I'd recommend speaking with a therapist on these issues. There's a fine line between being loving and codependent.

A healthy person, of course, doesn't just stop caring or fall out of love with someone, especially if they've had a relationship with them. That's part of the human condition and normal. It takes time to heal, and even after a relationship is over, you can still love that person in some way, but you recognize the appropriate level and way to express it.

A codependent person is demonstrating unhealthy responses, though. When you know someone is toxic and their behavior is hurtful, whether intended or not, and you still want to invite them back into your life, that's not what many people would feel is an appropriate response. That's the response of an addict or a codependent.

So, you might want to discuss things with a therapist. They can help you to understand, perhaps, why you feel this need and whether or not it is the best thing for you. Good luck.

[Under The Bridge]

I Know she will always smear to her next supply I’m just wondering if they Finaly give up after her FP isn’t in their life’s anymore.

No, she won't give up - only the name(s) of those being smeared will change as she progresses through her ever-changing relationships. Without professional treatment she can't do anything else and her path is set.

The one consolation is knowing that the next person in her life will get exactly the same treatment that you did and that at least your stress and suffering are over - you dodged a bullet. Would you really want a lifetime of the same cycle? I had 4 years of it then decided 'enough is enough'. Of course I still wanted her but I know I made the right decision.

Your feelings will change in time, but it is very hard when they're still so strong. Best wishes.

[Amber London]

If someones actions are driven by their mental illness (assuming BPD is a mental illness) does that really make them "toxic", or are they just "ill"; or doesn't it matter?

To me it matters. I think my ex is ill and needs care and therapy, some of her behaviour is toxic, sure.

My uncle who was in constant physical pain before his death behaved in a toxic way too, but we figured it was down to his illness, so we forgave him for that.

[Ganmal1]

And I feel like that is what is holding some feelings hard into her is I know with help she could be great she’s just in pain. Of course i shouldn’t expect any change from her but somewhere in her deep down is a great amazing person she just has a illness that is stopping that from showing.

[PeteWitsend]

... I know with help she could be great she’s just in pain. ...

Hold on: you DON'T actually know that.  You're speculating here, and thinking of the possibilities, rather than the reality.  That's what's leading you on here. 

[Ganmal1]

Yes you’re right I can’t predict what would happen if she actually got the help. But I’ve seen people online who actually took the years in therapy seriously and actually turn their life’s around so I definitely know it’s possible only if she wants to give it her all. But I know too that she wont give it her all deep down. She actually is now medicated which somewhat has calmed her down from what I’ve seen but that doesn’t fix the underlying issues. She wants to get the help she needs but she always brings up money and how it’s expensive. She’s not wrong but I’ve told her I can always support her with that if she actually wants to get better.

[PeteWitsend]

Yes you’re right I can’t predict what would happen if she actually got the help. But I’ve seen people online who actually took the years in therapy seriously and actually turn their life’s around so I definitely know it’s possible only if she wants to give it her all. But I know too that she wont give it her all deep down. She actually is now medicated which somewhat has calmed her down from what I’ve seen but that doesn’t fix the underlying issues. She wants to get the help she needs but she always brings up money and how it’s expensive. She’s not wrong but I’ve told her I can always support her with that if she actually wants to get better.

She may want to get help - who knows? - but wanting it and being prepared to put the effort in are two different things.

pwBPD often say anything to win sympathy, or excuse their behavior... you shouldn't put any stock in it.  That's important here, when you decide what to do: you really have to make sure everything you base your decision on is a fact that you have established, not her, and not a hope, or an assumption.

And here, that is you're dealing with a possibly BPD person, who at times concedes she has an issue, but consistently refuses to do anything about it, and uses baseless excuses to continue to justify that. 

My uBPDxw would occasionally - at the end of really bad, multi-day fights, calmly tell me she knew she was out of line, or knew her behavior was a problem, and was going to work on it.  once she even did start seeing a counselor, only to stop after a couple visits, and announce the counselor said she was "fine" and so of course I was the one with the problem, actually.

it's like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, and Lucy assuring him that this time she won't actually pull it away.  since it's impossible to know what she's thinking, there's a chance each time that this might be the one time she might not pull it away. 

How many times are you going to try to kick it, before you decide to stop playing the game?