Exhausted: hardest moment of my life AND BDP spouse splitting

[Pluie]

Hi everyone,

I feel like starting with my backstory. My partner and I have been knowing each other for 10 years. In 2020, we had a harsh breakup followed by a seemingly never-ending stream of splitting, discarding and rebounding episodes. We were apart for two years, during which I did therapy and had the chance to learn more about BPD, which at the time was just a hypothesis. Long story short, three years ago he and I decided to be together again. We took things slowly and waited months before declaring it a relationship and, eventually, moving in together again. It was not easy, as trust had to be rebuilt and wounds mended, but it was beautiful. He started doing therapy. It was not long after this that he was, indeed, diagnosed with BPD.

Things kept going better, no matter how challenging they were. We also went through couple therapy, which was incredibly helpful when it came to reflecting on our reactions. In short, it felt like we were truly nurturing a renewed loving relationship. We got married last summer and decided to move back to our home country, which we knew would be hard and would require lots of patience, strength and determination. He really wanted to do it, and my only thought was “Why not? We can make it work, I will find a job and we’ll build a great community!”.

Now, things didn’t turn out well. I will not describe the sequence of adverse events that followed our decision to move here, as this is not the point. The point is, I fell back into depression (and I know it is not easy to be with someone with depression either…) and he started manifesting BPD behaviour again. We had fights, he started leaving the house for days, staying at his parents’, then coming back apologizing and saying that it was hard for him to manage his emotions. I could understand, it was difficult for me too.

After less than one year in our home country, he applied for a job in Scandinavia, signed a contract, and decided to leave. I was reluctant, but we had talked a lot and I agreed on him going: I felt like I could trust him and I believed I could follow him a few months later - I saw it as an opportunity to start over and recover, together. Except, a few weeks after he moved out, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer two days after I got the news about my health. I was already exhausted, and by then I was simply crushed. No money, no house of my own, no job, partner abroad, health issues and my mom’s health issues, too. Since then, fights have increased and my spouse has become more and more detached. He has been telling me things like "Well, you keep complaining, it’s not like you’re dying. It’s just surgery. What about my feelings? You never think about the way I feel.”. I must say I have not managed my reactions that well either. I have been feeling overwhelmed, lost, alone and angry.
 
The situation escalated two days ago, soon after I underwent surgery to have my thyroid removed. He started telling me that he wanted to move again, that he was unhappy and unsatisfied, to which I replied with a firm “I just underwent surgery. Please, just understand what you think you need, then we’ll find a way. However, I am not moving countries again for nothing. I am tired”. That is when the splitting happened. I tried to call back the day after to ask how he was doing, to which he replied that he did not want to talk to me, wanted to be left alone, and was feeling oppressed and neglected. I will not hide the fact that I simply lost it. I yelled with the feeble voice I had “How dare you? I need you right now more than ever, I cannot ever stand up on my own, I don’t know how long my mother will live, and that’s what you’re telling me?!”. He hung up. He has not called since then. I feel so hurt, disrespected, angry, and confused.

I have a few loving friends who are supporting me the best they can, but also encouraging me to realize how bad this is and to focus on my recovery. I have been thinking about ending the relationship...more often than not I just think this is too much. I believe I could benefit from sharing on the board since it is nearly impossible for me to be clear-headed right now. Thank you…hugs to everyone who is struggling.

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