First thread for me mom of BPD daughter

[Whale]

Hi it's wonderful to have found this online group.  I am so grateful for the support!  I have 28 yr old daughter who lives with me with BPD. Boy it's intense. I have tried to help her but it's never enough.  I never know when she is going to go off ie angry tantrums. I am very concerned when she says she wants to die and/or kill herself. I try to reassure her that she is loved but not enough for her. Any suggestions on how to respond to my daughter wanting to die.  I feel so drained I one thing I learned was not to respond to her angry verbal attacks that helps. Thank you so much!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

My BPD stepdaughter often spoke about hopelessness and wanting to die when she was upset. There were times it sounded like she was venting her pessimism and negativity. But there were other times she sounded unhinged and out of control, and those were really scary times. It was hard to know what to say or how to act, but feeling dread and fear were regular occurrences. I felt like I was on suicide watch for around three years. And she did attempt suicide multiple times. I’m distressed to say that none of the attempts were a surprise, because she seemed so unstable and unhinged leading up to those moments.

I think suicidal talk should be taken seriously. You could ask your daughter if she wants you to call 911 for her. That way, she retains control of the situation. If she refuses the help, then you might feel relieved for the time being. And if she does want you to call 911 for her, then maybe she’ll get the professional help she needs.

Look, it’s understandable that your daughter doesn’t want to go to the hospital, and you likely don’t want to put her through that. But the hospital might be what she needs right now. There was one time my stepdaughter made a suicide attempt and her dad found her vomiting up the pills she had ingested. She asked him not to make her go to the hospital. Then he asked me to pretend like nothing happened. I said to him, honey, you’re not thinking straight, she needs to go to the hospital right now, she’s not well and needs to get help. Fortunately, she did. Though she had yet another attempt after that, she had a long case history, and she got even more professional help. Today, suicidal threats are off the table.

[Sancho]

Hi Whale
Yes the intensity of living with an adult BPD child is constant and high. There are so many things that contribute to that intensity because someone with BPD can trigger so easily. It is hard not to be on your guard all the time!

When my DD first started saying things about wanting to die or kill herself etc I was truly alarmed. My ‘fix it’ personality really kicked in then – what can I do or say, should I call for help, go to ER etc.

You don’t say if your DD has been hospitalized in the past for suicidal ideation or self harm. She is now 28 so perhaps you have been able to see a pattern – ie does she feel this way on some regular basis – or is it random?

I personally came to the conclusion with my DD that her threats were more about needing to know that she had a way out of the pain she was in – rather than expressing a plan to actually end her life.

I then changed how I responded in order to validate the pain rather than offer support or love etc. If I tried to express those things her reaction was always something like ‘how would you know what it’s like’ or something like that.

What I found best were general rather than personal statement were best eg ‘It is so hard to feel this way’ or ‘That’s a really heavy and painful load to carry’.

The other thing I had to work on was my own enormous sense of responsibility. Over a period of time I thought a lot about it – reminding myself that it is not actually possible to stop someone who is intent on ending their life; that I have done all that I can do and that unless someone is a danger to themselves or others, they will not be admitted to hospital anyway (on one occasion when I did involve others, DD calmly stated she was fine and did not need to go anywhere!)

So summing up – I’ve been waffling a bit – I see my DD’s talk of suicide as her need to know that she does have a way of easing the pain. My response focuses on validating that pain in general statements. I have had to learn to ‘let go’ of many things including my own need to fix things – or be the one who is responsible.  I hope this is helpful in some way.