Do people with BPD remember their splitting episodes?

[pantherpanther]

My wife has never apologized and rarely has acknowledged anything she has said or done during a splitting episode.  Basically acts as if it didn't happen afterwards.  Does she truly not remember it?

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[CC43]

Hi there,

Unless she's acting psychotic, I imagine that she remembers everything.  Yet she doesn't acknowledge that because it hurts her too much.  I bet she plays the victim, correct?  By playing the victim, her issues are always someone else's fault.  She feels "justified" in acting poorly because somebody else is to blame.  This is her BPD way of coping, and it's a reason you won't get an apology.  For her, it's easiest to try to pretend like she did nothing wrong, because facing the truth is too painful for her.  In fact, I bet she often feels intense shame and inferiority.  If she's angry at other people for no good reason, I bet most of the time she's really mad at herself, but she's coping by projecting her anger outwards.  If she keeps her anger inside, she'll be very depressed, and probably withdrawn.  In her mind, every emotion is over-the-top, and disagreements feel like the end of the world.  It's the black-and-white thinking that you'll hear about on these boards.  Does that make sense?

[Chosen]

Complete echo what CC43 said. I think they certainly remember, but the remembering brings too much shame. So they probably feel like they're the worst person in the world, much more so than how you think of them. BUT they don't do the "logical" thing to apologise and try to improve; they project. So now you are the bad person because you made them angry and also made them feel shameful afterwards.

[Under The Bridge]

My wife has never apologized and rarely has acknowledged anything she has said or done during a splitting episode.  Basically acts as if it didn't happen afterwards.  Does she truly not remember it?

Totally agree with CC43 and Chosen's replies. I've seen the odd post here where the BPD does actually apologise but it's usually not the case - their distorted thinking is more likely to concoct some way in which you caused everything and they are totally blameless.

I still do believe, however, that BPD's are far more aware of what they're doing than they might have us believe. For example, after having a bad day at her work place my exBPD would still get all dressed up and meet me in the evening.. just so she could break up with me because of her bad day. This happened a lot with work or family arguments and shows clear premeditation and planning; she turned up specifically to break up with me, often just walking straight past me when she came in.

Never once did I get an apology, but I just can't believe she didn't have some idea of what she was doing, even if she was feeling bad about it inside.

[once removed]

have you ever been in a highly dysregulated state?

when your system is flooded like that, it can be a lot like blacking out. with bpd, the intensity is even greater.

so, yes: emotional overwhelm can lead to impaired memory and recall ability, and a disconnect (possibly dissociation) from personal experiences.

[CC43]

Regarding disassociation when in a highly dysregulated state, I can attest that the pwBPD in my life experienced that from time to time.  It may well be that she "blacked out," and that she might not be able to recall all the details of the experience.  Yet these instances of disassociation/delusions were very rare, only occurring when she felt she was under extreme stress.  But what wasn't rare was her lashing out out in a rage, acting petulant/disrespectful/pi**y, making mean (and typically untrue) accusations, or simply storming out, which occurred practically on a daily basis.  I have no doubt that she is 100% aware of her passive-aggressive behavior, rudeness and/or overall sour attitude.  What is twisted about it though, is her reasoning for her behavior.  She maintains that someone else is being pushy, disrespectful, unfair, nosey or condescending, and so her outbursts are "justified" in her mind.  Her ongoing narrative is that people are constantly acting abusive towards her.  But really the opposite is true.  People are trying to be supportive and nice, and she's the abusive one.  Her very negative attitude poisons many interactions, and she projects negative meanings onto neutral circumstances.  An example might be asking her, "How are you?"  She'll see that question as nosey and laced with judgment, because she feels insecure about her position (unemployed, struggling with school, dependent, etc.).  Her reaction might be to grunt and "storm off" in protest.  In the old days, she would hope for someone to reach out repeatedly and "beg" her to come back, and bribe her with something she wanted, and I think that made her reaction seem even more justified in her mind.  These days, I'd say we're more likely to give her a time out and wait patiently until her mood is stable enough to handle a simple conversation.