Loose my partner or loose my friend?

[Tofu]

Hi everyone! This is my first post and I'm so relieved to have found this forum. I thought for a long time I was the only one who just couldn't figure out how to stop ruining my partner's life - reading stories of others like me is a revelation.

My issue is that currently, I am in the dog house for refusing to cut my friend out of my life. My friend has met my partner briefly on two-three occasions in late 2022 and early 2023 and to put it mildly, it didn't go well. Each time she told me afterwards that she felt disrespected and hurt by my friend's behaviour. She claims that he was using an offensive tone of voice and ignored her in conversation. For this reason, I have stopped inviting my friend to my home and she has not had any contact with him since. I have also spoken to my friend about this and he does not remember the alleged incidents. Since this has led to significant conflict for me, he agreed to send her a letter to apologize but this did not change her view of him in the slightest. We have been stuck in a loop for years now where everytime I go see my friend, text my friend, or mention him or an activity I did with this friend my partner has an extreme adverse reaction. Since the start of the issue in late 2022 the stories my partner tells of the past interactions with my friend have been artificially developed into an ridiculously extreme where not only does she change the things that were apparently said but also alleges my friend was half naked or on drugs during these interactions, which is untrue.

After many hours of discussion and carefully listening to the emotions I have come to understand the following: She simply does not understand why I would choose to associate with a person who treated her this poorly (in her mind). To her, this means I choose my friendship over her well being and do not love her anymore and will abandon here because of that.

The things I have tried are having conversations with her, giving her lots of reassurance, making sure I spend quality time with her, building trust. But things keep getting worse regardless of how much of this I do. She insists that as long as I insist on remaining in contact with my friend, I am hurting her and ruining our relationship. I have also tried to not mention my friend, but this backfires as well as this friend is someone I usually do a specific activity with that is hard to conceal from her given the gear and time of day etc. Also, she will make assumptions about me meeting this friend even if I am not and then the same fight ensues even though I didn't even see this person.

What do I do? My partner is now at the point where she is threatening a break-up if I do not cut this friend out of my life. Honestly, my nerves are starting to fray, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate and especially develop my friendship. Sometimes I think I should just give in to her so I can have some peace and quiet. I know this will likely make things worse in the long-run but I don't know how much more I can take.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

One of the biggest red flags for an abusive relationship is the abusive partner tries to isolate the other partner, insisting over time that he/she cut all ties with family and friends.

[once removed]

Sometimes I think I should just give in to her so I can have some peace and quiet. I know this will likely make things worse in the long-run but I don't know how much more I can take.

this isnt the solution, because her wound isnt actually about your friend. its about her feelings of betrayal, emotional abandonment, insecurity; her belief that you would put someone (anyone) else first, over her.

The things I have tried are having conversations with her, giving her lots of reassurance, making sure I spend quality time with her, building trust. But things keep getting worse regardless of how much of this I do.

youre not wrong using a positive reinforcement approach (and in general, it will help). but it isnt "working" because your attempts are mainly soothing her wound/fear in the moment. thats why your friends apology didnt accomplish anything. its also why her story has evolved.

it may help matters to speak to, and name the emotional wound, as opposed to dancing around your friend; to frame it as an issue between the two of you, not between her and your friend.

you might try something like:

"i think the reason this hurts so much is because it’s about how safe you feel with me. about whether id ever choose you second. about whether you matter most when something makes you feel small or disrespected. ive made mistakes in how ive responded to that, not because you don’t matter, but because i didnt realize what was underneath it all.

i want you to know i see that, and im not indifferent to your pain. but i also want us to talk about this as something between you and me, not between you and someone else. because this is about how we repair trust between us.

i want to make this work. but i cant lie about who i am, or cut off a friend.

to be clear, im not suggesting that you read any of this verbatim, or necessarily that you deliver it in one conversation. its the gist of SET, a reframing of the conflict, and some ideas for communicating it. it may be a conversation that you revisit multiple times, or pieces of a premise you communicate over time, and certainly, it needs to fit the context of your relationship, the way you speak, the way you speak to each other.

it also isnt guaranteed to "work". it is a way to stay grounded in your values while holding space for her underlying fear. to get out of the weeds and to the heart of the matter.

question: is this part of a larger pattern? has she, is she, able to tolerate you having a world of your own, without it becoming a test of loyalty?

[cynp]

My social circle had decreased over the years w. my partner. I cannot think offhnd of any friend they esp liked or didn't have some conflict/criticism of. I have learned that when they randomly bring up a friend of mine, and how unintelligent/disrespectful they are this is a warning sign of a coming dysregulation. Soon enough i will be called those things as well. In many cases the friend is someone we have not seen in years or my partner barely knows. I do not try and defend the othr person, I have learned it isn't worth it and just seems to speed up an oncoming rage. I do try and change the subject to some thing that is not a triggering topic.