Was It Ever Or Is It Saveable? 5-Year Relationship with BPD Ex

[BeachTree]

Hi All,

I'm 36, and I was in a relationship for five years with my ex-girlfriend (31), who was diagnosed with BPD towards the end of our relationship. It was a real rollercoaster, intense highs, followed by lows that included suicide threats, emotional breakdowns, and tantrums. To be fair, there were also periods of relative stability.

From the outside our relationship looked great, and you wouldn’t really believe what happened inside. She’s beautiful, quite charming, extremely career driven and good at her job, makes friends easily and has a large social circle. She does have a lot of turbulence with her relationships with friends/family, but none of them would believe what happened inside our relationship. To them I just look like a nice guy, but one who’s wasting her time.

I didn’t realise how distorted my perception of what’s “normal” in a relationship had become until I got out. Looking back now, I can see I was fawning constantly, avoiding conflict, walking on eggshells, and addicted to helping her.
I still loved her deeply when I ended the relationship, I just couldn’t move forward under the conditions I was in, and we just kept repeating the same pattern. She pushes relentlessly, until I cave and give a date for proposal/baby, she keep pressuring, I take back date as I feel it was made under duress, cycle repeats. She spent years putting intense pressure on me to move toward marriage and kids. That’s something I wanted too, but I needed to do it from a calm, stable place. Instead I had years of ultimatums, escalating emotional threats, and crisis cycles every few months. The framing is: Do this (insert blank) or I’ll (insert blank). She called it a boundary, it’s not, it’s an ultimatum.

After the breakup, I was destroyed. I became obsessed, with her, and with understanding what had happened. I tried to look at my own part (avoidance, indecision, conflict aversion, fawning, , not setting strong boundaries), and I started researching BPD, trauma, and relational dynamics to try and create a balanced plan for if we tried again. Part of me hoped that maybe we could rebuild something better. We had such a strong connection and so many amazing memories.

But I found out later, two weeks after we broke up, she was already with another man, sleeping in our bed very quickly escalating to week long sleep overs and a relationship. This was the person who continuously told me over 5 years I was the only one for her. That she’d never move on. That she hoped I’d come back. And continuously made me promise if we ever broke up that I wouldn’t date again quickly. And then I was replaced in two weeks...

The speed and intensity of the replacement broke me. I’ve found out that though that this is pretty much textbook BPD. She emotionally regulated so much through me and through sex, so she’s found a new person. Possibly other reasons behind it to.

Now I’m stuck between my mind, which thinks its really tough but I made the right decision. And my heart, which is almost overwhelmingly pulling me back to her.

Our life had so many great aspects: she was proactive, loving, adventurous, and constantly trying to make our day-to-day life better. We had inside jokes, supported each other, amazing sex and shared so much. But at the same time, I now see how much of my freedom was gone. There were dynamics I minimised the entire time, I didn't really see them as that bad until family pointed them out. Even psychologists I talked to didn't call it out:
•   Emotional coercion to control my behaviour
•   Suicide threats and emotional blackmail
•   Pushing past sexual boundaries and reproductive coercion
•   Rewriting what happened to protect her image
•   Blame without accountability
•   Manipulating me with vulnerability
•   Triangulation (e.g., “Jane said you’re not serious about me” which creates guilt, pressure from outside the relationship, and plausible deniability)

I guess I’m looking for clarity on a few things:
1.   Was this ever saveable, or was I just clinging to the fantasy that the “good times” could stay and we could get to a stage where the bad times would be almost gone? She was enthusiastic about therapy at first, but it was only fortnightly DBT with daily homework, and I don’t know if that would ever have been enough. It mainly seemed to focus on emotional regulation and avoiding big blowups. Now we’ve broken up she’s dropped it to once a month.

2.   Has anyone ever gone back after a BPD partner moved on that quickly? I feel like it would be hard for me, but I’m still drawn to it. Even though it feels like a massive betrayal of everything she said and I feel was really disrespectful to me.

3.   Part of me wonders if I just committed to marriage and babies, could that have settled things down? That’s what she always told me, that not moving forward was 95% of her triggers. It’s true, that’s what most of our troubles were based around. Fear of abandonment or of missing her chance to become a mum. But I feel very uneasy about that. Having a baby to solve problems does not sound healthy to me.

For context, the first year didn’t show most of these issues. There were small red flags, there was some emotional volatility that scared me a little, but things really escalated in year two onwards.

Thanks for reading. I’d really appreciate any insights that anyone has.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[losthope1234]

Hi and welcome to the forum,

Now I’m stuck between my mind, which thinks its really tough but I made the right decision. And my heart, which is almost overwhelmingly pulling me back to her.

This happens to all of us when there is a devastating breakup with a pwBPD. We are intensely pulled between the two extremes - A part of us wants them back, the other part resents. Know that you are not alone.

I guess I’m looking for clarity on a few things:
1.   Was this ever saveable, or was I just clinging to the fantasy that the “good times” could stay and we could get to a stage where the bad times would be almost gone? She was enthusiastic about therapy at first, but it was only fortnightly DBT with daily homework, and I don’t know if that would ever have been enough. It mainly seemed to focus on emotional regulation and avoiding big blowups. Now we’ve broken up she’s dropped it to once a month.

The question is not whether or not it was saveable. It's rather, "whether it was worth saving". Yes, if you gave in to each and everything she demanded then possibly this could have gone longer, but no, there won't be a time where the bad times would almost be gone. Atleast not in the near future and almost never without therapy. Things stabilizes when the pwBPD realizes that they need serious therapy and works really hard towards improvement. But this has to come from them. A casual approach won't work. Was your gf ready for this serious dedicated work?

2.   Has anyone ever gone back after a BPD partner moved on that quickly? I feel like it would be hard for me, but I’m still drawn to it. Even though it feels like a massive betrayal of everything she said and I feel was really disrespectful to me.

Yes I have, it's not worth it. It's utterly disrespectful and the consequences are too much for any healthy person to accept without serious damage to their core mental health. Especially when she always said that you guys will never move on to anybody else. This shows that she didn't say those from a rational point but just out of insecurity, much like any pwBPD.

3.   Part of me wonders if I just committed to marriage and babies, could that have settled things down? That’s what she always told me, that not moving forward was 95% of her triggers. It’s true, that’s what most of our troubles were based around. Fear of abandonment or of missing her chance to become a mum. But I feel very uneasy about that. Having a baby to solve problems does not sound healthy to me.

If you would have given in to this, it would mean you would have gone against your own conscience. It is especially harmful when it involves important life choices like marriage and babies. Also, this might have temporarily solved one aspect for now, but all the core problems with BPD (blame, manipulation, suicide threats --everything you mentioned) would have still engulfed you all your life, making it even more difficult with babies in the scene.

Question is, are all these worth? Which heartache do you want -- to heal a breakup with someone who broke your trust and moved on in 2 weeks, or to let go all your self esteem and accept her with all the broken trust with the hope that she might change one day? My guy still doesn't see his cheating as his fault- blames it on me. Will that be okay for you? These are things you have to ask yourself. Ultimately the choice is yours of course.

[mitten]

I applaud you for connecting the dots on so many of the counterintuitive BPD tactics.  You are so fortunate to understand her so well this early on in your relationship.  The pressuring you for a date for marriage definitely resonates me, as does wanting babies ASAP.  Those 2 things are a way for the person with BPD to feel secure, because they have you "locked in".  My wife liked to make her rush for marriage/kids sounds justified by saying "my biological clock is ticking". 

And I think you know the answer to all your questions...

[BeachTree]

Hi losthope1234,

Thankyou so much for your reply.

This happens to all of us when there is a devastating breakup with a pwBPD. We are intensely pulled between the two extremes - A part of us wants them back, the other part resents. Know that you are not alone.

That's good to know it's a normal experience

The question is not whether or not it was saveable. It's rather, "whether it was worth saving". Yes, if you gave in to each and everything she demanded then possibly this could have gone longer, but no, there won't be a time where the bad times would almost be gone. Atleast not in the near future and almost never without therapy. Things stabilizes when the pwBPD realizes that they need serious therapy and works really hard towards improvement. But this has to come from them. A casual approach won't work. Was your gf ready for this serious dedicated work?

When I forced to go to a psychologist, she was actually happy she knew what was wrong with her. She always thought something wasn't right. She was very enthusiastic buying books going to therapy fortnightly. But it just meant I had a deadline for marriage pushed back a few months. So if we stayed together - I'm sure she would have done it - and even harder therapy if I pushed it (which I think might be useful), but we didn't. Since we broke up she's dropped off to less frequent sessions, because apparently she's better now I'm not triggering her..

Yes I have, it's not worth it. It's utterly disrespectful and the consequences are too much for any healthy person to accept without serious damage to their core mental health. Especially when she always said that you guys will never move on to anybody else. This shows that she didn't say those from a rational point but just out of insecurity, much like any pwBPD.

I'm guessing either she meant in the relationship and her feelings changed once she left the relationship. Or she meant it as a control tactic. In hindsight, both are likely. I believed her because she seemed so desperate to live her life with me.

If you would have given in to this, it would mean you would have gone against your own conscience. It is especially harmful when it involves important life choices like marriage and babies. Also, this might have temporarily solved one aspect for now, but all the core problems with BPD (blame, manipulation, suicide threats --everything you mentioned) would have still engulfed you all your life, making it even more difficult with babies in the scene.

The sad thing is, I want marriage and kids, and I would have liked to have already had them by now. But I can't do it with a gun to my head, it needs to be a mutual choice.

Question is, are all these worth? Which heartache do you want -- to heal a breakup with someone who broke your trust and moved on in 2 weeks, or to let go all your self esteem and accept her with all the broken trust with the hope that she might change one day? My guy still doesn't see his cheating as his fault- blames it on me. Will that be okay for you? These are things you have to ask yourself. Ultimately the choice is yours of course.

I'm quite confident she wouldn't cheat on me. Her moving on like this after we broke up is definitely not ok though, particularly with everything she said in the relationship. It really makes me wonder what was true in the relationship and what was not.

[BeachTree]

Thanks Mittens,

I applaud you for connecting the dots on so many of the counterintuitive BPD tactics.  You are so fortunate to understand her so well this early on in your relationship.

 

Thanks, I fell for them for a long time though

The pressuring you for a date for marriage definitely resonates me, as does wanting babies ASAP.  Those 2 things are a way for the person with BPD to feel secure, because they have you "locked in".  My wife liked to make her rush for marriage/kids sounds justified by saying "my biological clock is ticking".

I think it's perfectly reasonable to want babies, and the biological clock is real. But the methods of moving forward are not. It actually scares me away. If she'd just been reasonable there's a good chance she would have gotten what she wanted.

And I think you know the answer to all your questions...

Yeah I think I do, but I don't like the answers. And it's very helpful to have input from other people as I thought I was the problem with not being able to move forward for lots of the relationship.

The hard thing, is the good side of our relationship is very good. I have so many good memories with her. It's not all a horror show. I held off hoping that with therapy we could have the good without the bad side. And worried after I left that I copped all the bad, now the next person will get the benefit of my hard work.
But it seems improvement from therapy is a very hard, long term thing. And no guarantees.

[mitten]

The hard thing, is the good side of our relationship is very good. I have so many good memories with her. It's not all a horror show. I held off hoping that with therapy we could have the good without the bad side. And worried after I left that I copped all the bad, now the next person will get the benefit of my hard work.
But it seems improvement from therapy is a very hard, long term thing. And no guarantees.

This is exactly what we all say/experience.  If there were NEVER those good times nobody would ever be in a relationship with someone with BPD.  That's the ONLY way they keep us.  I remember thinking early on "man, she creates a lot of drama but the good times make it worth it".  This thought was naïve and before I knew what BPD was. 

And just think - if you have to post in a forum about an ex, what does that tell you about the relationship? 

[BeachTree]

Hi Mitten,

Thanks for your reply.

The hard thing, is the good side of our relationship is very good. I have so many good memories with her. It's not all a horror show. I held off hoping that with therapy we could have the good without the bad side. And worried after I left that I copped all the bad, now the next person will get the benefit of my hard work.

Hmm very true.
It's sad that all the bad things that happened were related to fear of me leaving. If she could have just relaxed and done nothing, pretty sure she'd have the marriage and kids that she wanted.
Realistically I should have left at the first suicide threat with a hard boundary that I only potentially come back gradually if she gets professional help and support from family/friends. That would have forced her to get help and face her problems, or it would have ended us. Either way it would have saved us both years of damage.
Instead, I stayed thinking I was protecting her, and I carried it all myself for four years while she pushed harder and harder to lock things in. But I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

And just think - if you have to post in a forum about an ex, what does that tell you about the relationship?

Honestly, I think it says that I care and I want to understand. And that something wasn't right.

[BeachTree]

Hey Mittens,

This is exactly what we all say/experience.  If there were NEVER those good times nobody would ever be in a relationship with someone with BPD.

Also wanted to respond to this part, and it's useful to know others have the same experience. I've never had someone who is so proactive in organising and making good times happen. She tried so hard, all the time.
And she was trying hard to make good things happen much more often than the bad. She never took our relationship for granted, she always worked on it. It was just when the bad did come out it was scary.

It's kind of heartbreaking that my best and worse times are with her.