My spouse self harmed after years of not and then did not tell me -Advise-

[Another_guy]

(After a quick re-read I feel like I need to add that I travel for work and can be away for weeks at a time. That is why these things can get so out of had as when I am away I am on call 24/7 and sometimes can only talk for 1-2 hours a day)
So I have been together with my wife for 15 years. At the beginning of our relationship self harm was very common and something we worked on very hard to stop. It took a couple of years into our relationship to get self harmed to not be at least a weekly occurrence. Fast forward to the past year she has been going through therapy where they are working on EMDR through this we have found out that she has BPD AuADHD CPTSD. We are actively seeking out a DBT therapist for her to try.

Last week her best friend had messaged her asking how she was doing. My wife told her that she wasn’t doing very good as she was having a really low mental health day and needed to clear her head. Not thinking anything about it further both my wife and I continued talking about some of the things that she was currently stressing over. Two days later we get a call from her friends partner informing us that the friend had to be checked into an emergency behavioral health center due to her being a danger to herself and others. After a little digging on my wife’s part we find that she was admitted the night that the friend had messaged my wife. Now my wife has been spiraling and her therapist canceled on her due to a last minute health issue. This sent my wife for even more of a spiral that lead to her messaging me two separate suicide notes on two separate days between then and her next therapy appointment. Now here we are 3 days after the last suicide note, with which I stayed up all night with her on the phone, I was able to get home. She was able to talk to her therapist and things started to turn around for her mentally. She is doing better.

But she then confides in me that she had ended up cutting before she spoke to me that night she sent the suicide note. She said she had planned on killing herself but found out she couldn’t do it so she sent me the note instead of leaving it on her phone. Now I was very hurt the night that she sent me the note instead, but I am more angry that she cut and then hid that from me. I am trying to find ways to talk about it with her but I end up getting so upset about it that I start giving her one word responses when we are talking and we had to have a long talk about how I feel and how it isn’t fair to her that I told her I could had the mental capacity to talk about these things and then don’t communicate when I am too emotional to not talk about it anymore. I feel like I am right to be upset but these things need to be talked about. I haven’t yet been able to get past my anger but I need to find a way to resolve this within myself so that we can get through it and allow more open communication.

I think I am writing this more to vent but if anyone can make sense of this rambling and point me towards some book or podcast or YouTube video that could help I would really appreciate it. Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.