Boyfriend with undiagnosed BPD

[Lb3807]

I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who has every diagnosable trait of BPD, I have read multiple books, spoken to friends in the mental health profession and researched fervently online.  He doesn't believe in mental health and is incredibly manipulative and verbally abusive.  I have tried numerous times to get out of the relationship, block his numbers, stay away, but he always finds a way to make me feel guilty and comes back into my life.  Each time it gets worse, I cannot speak to my friends around him, I'm not allowed to associate with other men in any capacity, he accuses me of lying and hiding constantly.  He has unspoken abandonment issues from his father leaving but will not admit it and instead is always playing a yo-yo game of loving me and running away.  He criticizes every action I make and needs to always be in control.  It's to the point where I have to delete my phone history and my messages for fear that the most basic, well intentioned chat with a friend or message to a co worker will spin him out of control when he sees it.  But then if he finds out I had deleted a message, it makes him even more angry and he goes into a rage of accusations, which he insists are reality.  He doesn't have great impulse control and that scares me.  I have tried countless times to tell him my fears, to console him and to get us into counseling, but I'm really concerned the more I try to appease this man, the more I'm putting my own life at risk.  I feel sorry for him that he cannot see it, but I fear if I try anymore to save him he will completely destroy me.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Lb3807, I’d like to welcome you to BPD Family   . What you describe is very familiar around here, almost identical to my experience too. Trying to appease an untreated pwBPD is virtually impossible, and trying to do so, as you’ve become aware of, can cause immeasurable harm to you. It sounds like you are well-versed in BPD. Have you read the book ‘Stop Caretaking the Borderline’ by Margalis Fjelstad? If not, I’d highly recommend it. Have you decided to end the relationship or are you still hoping to repair it?

[infjEpic]

I have tried numerous times to get out of the relationship, block his numbers, stay away, but he always finds a way to make me feel guilty and comes back into my life. 

What is the reason you keep accepting him back into your life? (I've been there and bought the t-shirt, so not judging you)

[Lb3807]

Larmoyant, I have not read that yet, but I will as soon as I can- thank you for the suggestion.  I have decided many times (for my own sanity) to end the relationship and taken many steps to cut all communication between us, but unfortunately I kept getting sucked back in one way or another (work projects, family issues, etc).  Most recently, I broke the non-communication rule because his step father died and he was having a very hard time coping.  He doesn't have much family, his biological father left when he was young and I felt too guilty turning my back on him at his lowest point (even when I knew what it meant for me).  Since he didn't have anyone else to turn to he reached out to me and of course he  was kind, understanding and everything I had always wanted him to be.  Despite knowing how the cycle works and having been through it over and over for two years, I went against my better judgement and let him back into my life.  Of course it wasn't even one week before he started accusing me again, changing reality, manipulating my words and making me feel guilty for even the smallest actions- blaming me for fights he would start, pushing me to my breaking point then using my anger to make me feel like a bad person.  Again, I decided it has to end and I have to stick with it.  This is where I am at right now.  I know he will not change, I know he doesn't see anything wrong and I know he will keep me on this rollercoaster if I allow him to stay in my life.  I have told him I do not want this anymore, but I don't think he comprehends why.  He is leaving in 2 weeks to move  to another city.  Right now I am trying to keep the situation peaceful and maintain  my own sanity until he is gone.  After that I will need support keeping him out of my life- he can be very manipulative and charming.

[Larmoyant]

Hi LB, you're not alone with all this. I know how hard it is. I’ve lost count how many times I went back. It’s the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, and they seem to instinctively know what buttons to press. Not forgetting the charm of course. It kept me stuck for a long time. Him leaving in a couple of weeks will hopefully give you a chance for the FOG to clear but, given he is leaving, does he accept the relationship is over? How are you feeling about him leaving, and will you stop communicating with him when he goes? I’m asking because I ended up with a prolonged painful break-up that lasted 11 months because we continued contact. But with time and space, meaning no contact, I’ve become stronger. Keep reading and posting LB. You have lots of support here to help you get through this.  

[Lb3807]

Thank you, I need to stand strong this time and not allow it to happen again.  My friends are great support, none of them approve of him and are all honest about wanting him away from me, but they don't judge me each time I let him back because they don't want me to stop telling them what is going on.  I know it's over, he knows and he says he acknowledges it.  For each good memory there are ten bad ones, I don't want this to be my life- I just need to find the strength to resist his manipulation.  I know that I can cut communication, but weeks from
now he will find some way to reach me, to get under my skin and to make me feel like either I need him or I need to help him.  The hardest part is getting over the guilt of not trying to help him anymore- if I can learn to cut him off and not feel like a bad person when he will stop at nothing to make it seem that way, then I know I can get past this.