Relationship over - needing support to stay grounded and move forward

[Rosalina]

Good afternoon everyone, my BPD/NPD partner has ended the relationship. I am not entirely surprised, he has been gone for five weeks, with limited contact, and frequent flipping of the script on how I am an abusive partner and the "angriest person" he has ever been with, and that he wants to kill himself because of me. It was quite the escalation and very alarming obviously. He has decided to end the relationship because he believes these things and that I will never address his concerns. I write it out because it helps me really see these comments and understand how crazy-making it is. I am aware that I am not this person he describes, but it does take considerable emotional energy to withstand such comments. I have set my limits and boundaries, and held them, reached out to friends, and maintained my own self-care routines. Nonetheless it is difficult. I need to maintain my boundaries for the predictable return, apology, "I need you because my life is in shambles" routine, but I need support in doing so. Thank you.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome to the site; you'll get good support here because every one of us has been through exactly what you're going through. BPD is such a pattern-based, repeating script which rarley varies.

Though very difficult, it's important that you maintain your boundaries because, without them, you'd be basically giving permission for your partner to act the way they do every time. Boundaries are pointless unless they're adhered to - and they don't have to be huge, drastic boundaries; just enough to help you cope and keep your self-worth.

Remember the 'Three C's' rule; You didn't Cause their condition; you can't Cure it and you can't Control it. Boundaries are just there to lessen the impact and hopefully the affected partner may take some notice.

Though a lot of BPD is caused by the sufferer running on 'auto pilot' and having little control over their emotions, I've always believed that they do in fact have more control then they'd have us believe. They just want us to run according to their world but they can respond to things if they need to.

My own relationship of 4 years never involved boundaries at all, simply because she would just vanish for weeks after an outburst, so there was nothing to apply boundaries to. When we met up again the cycle started all over again. But she could adapt when it suited her though, I definitely saw signs of that; when her guilt-tripping failed she could quite easily stop doing it. BPD's are constantly testing you and how much you'll endure and let them get away with.

In a BPD relationship the only thing you truly have control over is yourself, so try to keep mentally and physically healthy, maintain interests, see friends, etc. Whether the relationship ends or continues it's important you're at your best.

Best wishes

[CC43]

Hi Rosalina,

You seem to be grounded and realize that your ex's accusations aren't really about you, though it hurts to be the target of such vitriol, doesn't it?

I'd just stress that for many pwBPD, their accusations are projections.  When he says you're the angriest person he's ever met, he's probably not talking about you, he's talking about himself.  You see, he comprehends that he's angry at the world.  In fact, this notion completely consumes him, and obsessive thoughts about anger (and his lack of control over it) are always on his mind.  But he hates himself for feeling so out of control, he probably feels shameful and/or childish.  To avoid these negative feelings, he attempts to rationalize his anger, and accuse YOU of being the cause of his distress.  Thus when he interacts with you, he flips the script (as you aptly point out) and accuses you of being angry and irrational instead, to rid himself of these negative feelings while at the same time, blaming you in the process.  You hit the nail on the head!

I also agree with Under the Bridge that pwBPD have more control over their emotions than they let on.  I think they are incredibly childish and indulge in their emotional outbursts because it makes them feel good in the moment.  By lashing out at you, your ex is blaming you for his problems, and that makes him feel better about himself in the moment, even if it ends up hurting you.  Later, he probably regrets it, knowing full well that he was lying and hurtful, and that's why he'll keep his distance for a while.  He's ashamed of himself.  But he's impulsive and indulgent, like a little kid.  He doesn't want to feel responsible for himself or deal with the consequences of his behavior.  I bet he never apologizes, right?  By staying away, he hopes you'll forget how horribly he acted, and that you'll forgive him.  And so he gets a free pass for acting like a complete jerk and hurting you intentionally, if you let him.  He doesn't fight fairly, does he?  He doesn't discuss things rationally and he doesn't take any accountability, does he?  No, he'll up the ante and threaten suicide instead.  That will teach you!  He'd rather self-sabotage,  threaten self-harm or blow up the relationship than take any accountability.

You might ask, why does he do this?  I think it's because it's working for him.  He's used to getting help, money, concessions, or what he wants when he throws a tantrum.  You didn't say how old he was, but if I had to guess, I'd say he's a young adult.  It's about that time when peers/friends/family start to see that this behavior is toxic (he's not a little kid anymore!), and many important relationships fall apart.

How do you process all this?  It's normal to feel distressed, as he was really mean and manipulative.  You probably loved his good side, otherwise his actions wouldn't hurt so much.  You might need some time and distance to recover.  But I bet you will have learned some things, too.

All my best to you.

[Rosalina]

Thankyou CC43 and UndertheBridge, I very much appreciate your comments and encouragement. It is hard you are so right. We had a couple more exchanges yesterday via text, and he ended up disengaging with more hurtful comments. I didn't take the bait, and simply reiterated my goals. I felt odd sense of relief due to him stepping back on his own, like I had taken that middle position in the Kaplan triangle and of course he won't say his side (victim/persecutor) but I didn't take the other roles. I imagined it like he was setting up a chess match and I just said, "No, I don't want to play that game" so he had to give up without an opponent to play with. It was freeing. And I am taking the next two days to not talk with him, and have indicated that I don't have any availabiltiy next week when I am on vacation. So even setting those time boundaries was helpful. I feel proud of myself and actually detached from his cycle. Thanks for your support - it really does matter so much.

[Under The Bridge]

You're doing exactly the right thing so stick with it - you have control now and are a lot more happier.

Can I ask how long you were with him and if you are open to resuming the relationship, assuming he shows improvement?  Or have you now ended it for good and are just trying to avoid being drawn back in?

Be aware that what you've had so far is a good indication of what you'll continue to get, as the cycle repeats over and over, and it all depends on how long - and how much - you're prepared to endure.

[Rosalina]

UndertheBridge, thank you very much. We had about three years together. And I am not sure if I want to stay together....he had been living with me full time  and I definitely cannot do that again. If anything, it would be a much more distanced relationship - a date here and there, but nothing as involved as before. He has many good qualities but this pattern is exhausting, and you are right, it will happen continuously. I think that is where I am at, acknowledging that his pattern is not likely to change and I will go from his favourite to most hated person back and forth. I don't really think I can sustain the kind of emotional buffer needed to deal with that. He sent many texts to me yesterday with more of the same "you are controlling" and "uneven power dynamics" and "you approach is a tragedy" kind of comments - I know it is trying to pull me back in and this was at the end of our exchange so I just have opted to not respond to that after much patience responding prior. He is now silent (predictably). And I feel the space I have not interacting with him. And I am sad. His pattern speaks to so much pain and THAT is a tragedy. 

[Under The Bridge]

And I am sad. His pattern speaks to so much pain and THAT is a tragedy.

It certainly is, and that's why we're eternal optimists, always hoping that our partner will magically 'see the light' and it will only be good things from now on.. then it all crashes again.

I think the major turning point is when you finally see that it is a repeating cycle that will happen no matter what you do. That's the time you then have to solely think about yourself, hard though that may be. You ask yourself the simple question 'Do I want this for the next 20, 30, 40 years or more?'

Regarding my own BPD exerience, even after four years I think I would have persevered longer - especially as I'd never heard of BPD before and the way it caused people to act. The tipping point for me was when, during her latest episode, she seemed on the verge of violence, which I hadn't seen before. It was certainly a huge escalation over her 'standard' outbursts and that made me decide to go no-contact and end it. I could maybe have coped with things staying the same but not when they were now getting worse.

I spoke to her sister in law many, many years later, who said that she hadn't changed one bit and was always walking out on her current partner. I definitely dodged a bullet, despite hoping that one day we might reconnect in a healthy way.. there's the eternal optimist again!

Stay strong - it does get easier though it doesn't seem so at the time.

[Rosalina]

I appreciate this point about a tipping point. I think I am really feeling that right now. I guess when I started to be assertive and boundaries, I suppose like many people here find, the escalation really increased and it was a bit shocking. I also totally get that part about the eternal optimist! But the reality says something different and maintaining that belief is super important right now. It helps me continue to use the strategies and hold my boundaries. Thanks for your thoughts on this. It is so helpful to talk to others who understand and have been through it. And I certainly hope it does get easier!