She left me and I still love her.

[RaunchyRussian]

So my girlfriend, we'll call her Diane (25), and I (28) met about 3 months ago. Fell for each other instantly. We quickly started hanging out everyday and I would attempt to set a boundary of her not coming over some nights but then I would have a PLEASE READty day at work and being around someone I cared for made me feel better. (I have an anxious attatchment style myself and after reading up a little on BPD, I can even see some of those traits coming out in me, but I am not into self-diagnosing and if I do have it, its on the much much milder side of things.) Diane was the first to say "I love you" and it was quite soon I'd say within the first 2 weeks. I said it back and I did truly mean it in the moment but when I was removed from her the nervousness of how quick things were moving did leave me uneasy. I still hung out with her and we grew closer and closer until I did truly love her. She ended up basically moving into my apartment without us even discussing it but I didnt mind either because I loved having her around. (I realize now I was complicit in allowing things to move faster than I was comfortable with.) Fast forward to about 2-3 weeks ago and I had been talking with my therapist about possibly needing some space for a couple of weeks. I finally built up the nerve to ask for a day or two a week where she wouldnt stay at my apartment. Things did not go well.i prefaced it by saying "I know how you deal with rejection but this is not a rejection..." and in my head it truly wasnt, I still to this day want her back in my life, staying over at my place. Diane did not take it that way, she started getting emotional, insinuating all sorts of things she would be doing if we werent together like "hanging out with people she shouldnt be hanging out with..."  I remained as calm as I could and asked her what she meant by that but I couldnt get a straight answer out of her.(It obviously to me sounded like she was going to go and sleep with other people) I told her we could put a pin in things and discuss it later, that she didnt have to go anywhere, but the damage was done and I believe she split that night. She disappears the next day, breaks up with me when i come to get my keys and i just try to convince her to give us another chance. She then later started to turn a little hurtful and tell me the reason we cant be together is because she took on one of my worst fears about myself. That me, being a victim of Childhood Sexual Abuse could become a perpetrator. When originally she had been understanding and seen the growth I have made in multiple facets of my life. I am a recovering alcoholic, working the steps, going to therapy and growing in my connection to God. I know now, better than ever, that I would never do what was done to me as a child. So I realize she essentially took one of my worst fears and gaslight me into feeling like a pedophile but I forgive her because I know she is a sick person. Sick in the same way we all are. (I also realize now that she cant be my only/main source of validation. I define who I am by my actions not what someone I love thinks about me, I get that more now.) BPD to me just seems like the human condition intensified or on steroids. Maybe that is a gross or unjust understanding but that's how i currently see it. I spent the last two or so weeks in LC( low contact) before i believe I sent my last message about 4 days ago. I want her back, I truly do but I also want to see her choose me. I never stopped choosing her, showing up even after she broke up with me to check on her in a relapse. She had only been 2 months sober for the 1st time in her life getting that much time. What do I do, any advice would be appreciated. I love this girl with all my heart (for context she is my first real girlfriend.) I want to know if I should continue to reach out or just go NC (no contact). How have things gone for anyone that has wanted to reestablish the relationship with a spurned pwBPD. I know if we get back together I need to set clear boundaries (her going to therapy, possibly medications, couples therapy all of which I suggested that first night) from the start both for her and for my own good. I want her in my life, I also just want to avoid this happening again.  Thanks in advance!!!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hiiumaa]

Hi Raunchy Russian. I can only tell you about my own relationship. We have been together three years. In that time he broke up with me about 20! times and told me „it‘s over“.
It always happened in situations when I set boundaries and/ or he felt rejected and abandoned or betrayed. Even the responsibilty for my son made him feel rejected and it was „over“ again.

In the beginning I chased him, when he left me, because the pain felt unbearable for me. I wanted him back. I was extremly co-dependent. I have sent him messages like: „I love you and you are in my heart. I am there for you , if you want.“ Over the time, when I started to realize that it was a pattern, I stopped chasing him after he broke up. At that time I was so exhausted from all the highs and lows. He always came back. Sometimes the next day, sometimes two or three month later. Starting the circle again…

Today I am thinking: What kind of relationship is it, where you have to walk on eggshells and where your partner leaves you, when you tell him or her how you feel and what you need? No room for discussion, no room for really listening to the partner.
And yes, they have a disorder - but doesn‘t give them the freedom to act out.

[Under The Bridge]

In the beginning I chased him, when he left me, because the pain felt unbearable for me. I wanted him back. I was extremly co-dependent. I have sent him messages like: „I love you and you are in my heart. I am there for you , if you want.“ Over the time, when I started to realize that it was a pattern, I stopped chasing him after he broke up. At that time I was so exhausted from all the highs and lows. He always came back. Sometimes the next day, sometimes two or three month later. Starting the circle again…

Replace 'him' with 'her' and the pattern was exactly the same for me with my exBPD. I spent four years chasing her to get her back after her breakups with me, even though I was the innocent party every single time.  Eventually you realise that this chaos and upset will be your life if you let it go on.  I didn't and I stopped chasing after her outbursts got even worse. You have to value yourself, no matter what your heart is telling you.

To RaunchyRussian - nothing wrong with sending her the odd casual message but realise that this may only serve to 'keep you in reserve'. BPD's fear abandonment most of all and even if they don't want you at this moment, they still like to know that they still have you on the hook if all else fails. They still like to know you're interested even if they start a new relationshiop and then you have the danger of them flitting back and forth as their mood changes - one minute they're happy with their new partner, the next they're wanting to be back with you.. but ideally they want both options always available, which most non-BPD's will not put up with. Their illness will not let them make a logical and decisive commitment; they live purely in the moment of their current emotional state.

I'm just basically trying to say 'hope for the best.. but don't build your hopes up too high'. Without proper treatment, BPD is a repeating cycle and what's happened before will happen again.

Best wishes.

[RaunchyRussian]

Hi Raunchy Russian. I can only tell you about my own relationship. We have been together three years. In that time he broke up with me about 20! times and told me „it‘s over“.
It always happened in situations when I set boundaries and/ or he felt rejected and abandoned or betrayed. Even the responsibilty for my son made him feel rejected and it was „over“ again.

In the beginning I chased him, when he left me, because the pain felt unbearable for me. I wanted him back. I was extremly co-dependent. I have sent him messages like: „I love you and you are in my heart. I am there for you , if you want.“ Over the time, when I started to realize that it was a pattern, I stopped chasing him after he broke up. At that time I was so exhausted from all the highs and lows. He always came back. Sometimes the next day, sometimes two or three month later. Starting the circle again…

Today I am thinking: What kind of relationship is it, where you have to walk on eggshells and where your partner leaves you, when you tell him or her how you feel and what you need? No room for discussion, no room for really listening to the partner.
And yes, they have a disorder - but doesn‘t give them the freedom to act out.

I know I may be feeding into the cycle you are talking about, but I have just started sending her goodnight messages. She hasn't responded thus far but I want her to know someone cares about her. That I care about her even if she doesnt care about me currently. (I believe I am still devalued in her mind, but I spose I cant know besides the fact she hasnt responded.) What someone with BPD probably craves is consistent love, right? If I can only show my love for her by sending her a message that is what I will do. The only thing I am worried about is her blocking me. She is posting stuff to FB that I believe relates to me and it may be pissing her off. But to be honest if she cant handle things like an adult and speak with me then that would be a sort of resolution for me as well.