Young Adult dtr attracted to bad relationships

[Parents! Get help here!]

Making progress on other enabling behaviors but can't get over worry about possible danger in romantic relationships based on past, serious problems but hard to get an adult to listen because their need to be in intense relationship is strong.  What to do?  Haven't found good advice - get told to just don't worry which is crazy.

[distressedbpd]

Making progress on other enabling behaviors but can't get over worry about possible danger in romantic relationships based on past, serious problems but hard to get an adult to listen because their need to be in intense relationship is strong.  What to do?  Haven't found good advice - get told to just don't worry which is crazy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Oh, it's hard watching young adult children make risky choices, I hear you (my husband's kids are 17 & 19, and while they don't have BPD, their mom has many traits that have rubbed off on them).

Is your daughter on the younger side (18-19) or older? In college? Holding down a job? Still living it at home, or out of the home? Doing any other generally age appropriate things? Just getting a picture of her functionality.

It sounds like she communicates with you (or, at least, you have some visibility into her life) -- does she seem to experience you as someone who listens to her?

Young adulthood is a tough time to parent. What does your support system for yourself look like? Not a lot of my friends have the step parenting challenges that I do, so I often come here or tell my therapist about what's going on, because I agree: getting advice to "just not worry about it" doesn't quite do it for me either.

Any other family members in the picture? Do you have a spouse or other kids? How's everyone doing with your D's risky choices?

I'm guessing there's a lot of backstory with your situation, so hopefully we can start there and learn some more, whenever you're ready.

[Pook075]

It may be tough to hear, but your friends are right- the path here is letting your kid learn from their mistakes.  That doesn't mean, "don't worry," but it does mean that you can't try to be at the center of everything either. 

Give your opinion, show why the relationship is potentially toxic, and then take a step back.  When it implodes, be there for your kid and let it be a bonding experience to grow closer.  Then rinse and repeat until they begin to get some sense of who to call a friend.

The reason this happens is because people /w BPD have low self esteem and often feel misunderstood.  Who understands them best?  Others with mental illness; they sort of feed off of each other's emotions.  At first it's great because everything is so relatable, but it always blows up in spectacular fashion and everyone is deeply hurt.

Again, the key here is growing closer to your kid without fighting them at every turn.  They need to learn right from wrong, and telling them only ensures that they'll rebel even harder.  It's a far better approach to say, "You're making a mistake with that person and they will hurt you, but I love you and support your decisions regardless.  Just be careful!"

In short, stop being "the enemy" in their mind that doesn't understand anything about them.  Every time you argue, they feel like you'll never be able to love them because they're so different.  I'm sure you've never said anything like that, but it's how they feel and feelings = facts in their mind.

Make sense?

[js friend]

Hi distressedbpd,

My udd was also fixated  finding a romantic partner and "The love of her life" from a very early age. She chased a lot of losers and boys/men who treated her very badly. I think she actually liked the drama of it all and even said herself that the nice guys were were just too boring for her.

Im sorry to say this, but I think  your friends are right. There isnt  much we can  do when they are of age other than express our concerns and be there for them when things ultimately take a downward turn.

[Notwendy]

Hi distressedbpd,

I think she actually liked the drama of it all and even said herself that the nice guys were were just too boring for her.

We tend to match up with a partner emotionally, and with boundaries. Someone who has poor boundaries has a greater likelyhood of matching with someone who also has poor boundaries.

The drama can also be a pull between two people. By comparison, a person who has a more temperate personality may seem boring.

I think Pook's explanation of needing a romantic relationship as a source of affirmation and self esteem is right on. I have a friend whose daughter has BPD. She comes from a stable home, yet,  begining in high school, she would pair up with troubled boys, later troubled men.

These parents have provided everything they know to do for their daughter- mental health, shelter when needed, but they can not control who their daugter is attracted to. They have also recognized that she isn't able to handle being alone. Her anxiety is high when she's alone. A romantic partner alleviates that.

I don't think any parent can control who their adult child is attracted to. Intervening too much, being critical, can sometimes have the opposite intent and push the two of them together more. You can voice your concern- but once you have done that, your D will make her own choices and learn from them.

I think it's instinct for parents to worry, but there's not much control one has in this situation.

[CC43]

Hi Distressed,

I think I get where you're coming from, because relationships can be intense for any young adult, but with BPD, relationships can seem even more intense and fraught.  Some pwBPD fear being alone, and they generally crave attention, affirmation and tons of reassurance, and an intense romantic relationship could help provide all those things, at least at first.  Sometimes pwBPD lack a clear sense of self, so being a girlfriend/lover/fiancee might help solidify a sense of identity, belonging and completeness.  An economic reality might be that becoming a live-in romantic partner is cheaper than living alone.  If your adult child was living with you but fighting with you all the time while underemployed, moving into the apartment of a romantic partner, potentially rent-free, could become an irresistible refuge.

Having said all that, the young adult pwBPD in my life seems to have a hard time maintaining close relationships, both platonic and romantic.  On the one hand, I think her expectations are unrealistic, because she can be extremely demanding of other people.  I think that she expects all her friendships to be "intense" ones, perhaps because she's trying to recreate a mother-daughter type bond that she thinks she lacked as a child?  She doesn't really understand that there are different categories of friendship (acquaintances, situational friends, casual friends, lifelong friends, casual dates, romantic partners, etc.) which have different dynamics.  For her, friends seem to be all-or-nothing, and thus she's setting herself up to be disappointed.  She'll feel slighted, aggrieved and excluded if the friend doesn't deliver perfect performance.  Then she'll lash out in anger, or she'll retreat in avoidance/ghosting, or both.  She accuses many former friends of "bullying" and "traumatizing" her.  Former "besties" have become enemies and disappeared from her life forever.

Perhaps strangely, she doesn't seem to have many serious romantic relationships, let alone go on dates very often, maybe because her negativity means that she doesn't like anyone to begin with.  She'll often say that she doesn't find anyone attractive.  Meanwhile, she's desperate to leave her state and move to another one, where she thinks the men and the dating scene will be more attractive(?!?).  Moreover, I think she expects suitors to come to her, without putting in the work of getting out, acting friendly and socializing.  Her BPD means she's passive, petulant, low-energy, pessimistic and a bit narcissistic, meaning she expects to get the attention, but not give much.  With that attitude, how does she expect to attract and keep a romantic partner?  I know that she desperately craves a romantic relationship, but perhaps it's a fantasy type of relationship, akin to a Prince Charming appearing at her doorstep with glass Jimmy Choos.  Her very thinking tends to be "magical" sometimes, striving for some sort of Kardashian lifestyle which is unattainable.

I know I'm rambling, but my point is that we can't control how our loved ones with BPD think and feel.  They are adults, and they'll have to try out relationships, even bad ones, to figure out who they are and what sort of partner they can attract (and keep).  That probably doesn't prevent you from worrying--parents are wired to worry about their kids!  I guess that the most you can hope for is that by being a good role model, your kid will have learned by osmosis what a loving relationship looks like, especially a loving relationship with yourself!  That means you should continue to take exquisite care of yourself, your environment and your loved ones, and have some fun too, so that your kid sees what a healthy adult's life looks like.  I think that increases the chances that they'll aspire to the sort of life that you have created, and that they'll listen to your reassurances and well-meaning advice about how to achieve that sort of life, when they're ready to hear it.  At the end of the day, you want what's best for your kid, and they'll realize that.  Eventually, hopefully.

My other point is that if your loved one isn't getting treatment for BPD and taking it seriously, in all likelihood the relationship won't last very long, because of her neediness/demandingness, deep anxieties and emotional volatility.  After the (almost inevitable) breakup, if your kid is talking to you and isn't all riled up, maybe you can provide some much-needed reassurance and guidance.  If your kid is taking a break from talking with you, perhaps out of embarrassment from another failed relationship, then that's a sign that they're coping and surviving on their own, despite the distress, and that I think is something to be proud of.  If your kid learns some resilience after a failed relationship, that's a very important life lesson, especially for someone with BPD.

Just my two cents.