Was dating a girl for a few months. We clicked instantly and I got along with her better than any girl I ever have in my life. Early on she explained that she has been diagnosed with BPD, CPTSD, and BD2. She said if that made me not want to continue that she understood. I told her that I understood there could be challenges, but so long as we had honesty and respect that I would love to continue. I would not judge her based on any diagnosis, and I only judge people on their actions. She was dedicated to her DBT therapy, attending alanon, and seeing a therapist. She explained that she had a very traumatic childhood (which based on the story's she told me, it was indeed a very chaotic, abusive, and neglectful upbringing). She also explained that she had a history of picking bad men, and was trying to choose differently this time. I genuinely believed that she was trying her best to do better, and I saw first hand how hard she was trying.
The relationship felt like a dream. I told her after the first date that I really liked her, but wanted to move slow as we were both semi fresh out of long term relationships. (Hers being a highly abusive relationship with a guy we'll call "A", and me a 1.5 hear relationship that failed due to an axious/avoidant dynamic, but ended without many hard feelings. I am still friendly with this ex, but we very rarely talk.)
I am someone that attatches fast, and she agreed that it was probably a smart move for the both of us to move slow, however she did make a comment sometime later jokingly saying "you'll have to grow some balls at some point and make it official".. While some of it may be attributed to mirroring, we genuine seemed to have very similar interests, hobbies, tastes. We co-existed seamlessly, and I felt a stronger connection to her in that short time, than I did in any other relationship. She told me she had never felt so safe and secure, or been treated so well before. I even overheard a phonecall of hers where she told a friend the same thing, and was singing my praises. She said it was a new experience for her and while it was overwhelming, she said it gelt overwhelming in a good way. We never so much as had a fight. It felt like months of bliss, and she felt the same. Any time she seemed triggered, I could tell she was using her DBT skills and we would move on fine.
Now towards the last few weeks her doctor increased her SSRI dose twice, before introducing a mood stabilizer, she even feared that could cause her to go manic. And the final week, she did start to seem more dysregulated (asking me if she was delusional about things to do with her ex such as people thinking he is a good person, asking why I dont say i love you back to her, grandiose behaviour, and some generally manic sounding things). In the case of the i love you thing, she had let it slip a couple times, but apologized immediately, i always reassured her it was okay. That final time she said it, she texted me after asking if it made me uncomfortable when she said it. I told her no, and she went on to ask why i dont say it then. I explained i was developing big feelings for her, but i wasnt ready to say it ( unfortunately i actually was falling in love with ber, but i was trying to protect myself). She told me she understood and that i was kind, just that it "stuck a wound that she was still healing". However she was still incredibly loving, even saying she thought we were soul mates. We were supposed to spend the weekend together the following week, as we were semi long distance, but would travel on weekends to see eachother.
During that final week, she also seemed mlre stressed out with things at school and dealing with family trauma. She also attended in what my opinion was a very unethical therapy session with the guest staying at her airbnb who wasa "therapist". The man told her that he had never met anyone like her, and someone with her backstory should be a "nutcase". She said that it felt like she experienced what felt like the love from a parent for the first time in her life. Also stating the experice was "devine" and it felt like she was "touched by god", also saying things like "I am love" and "I am healing".
She told me a guy she knew had invited her to a party out of town but she said no and blocked him. I paid it no mind. Then out of the blue, she decided to go on a trip out of town. I still thought nothing of it, but soon realized something was wrong. By the end of the weekend she had dumped me stating she is overwhelmed and needs to heal herself, and that we both want different things. Saying she spoke to an "elder" that said she was a "healer" but first needed to "heal herself". She told me she can't do a relationship right now due to needing to heal. I expressed sadness, but accepted her decision.
1 week later she asked to meet to exchange things. She showed up with another man (I think the guy that invited her to the party, we'll call him "C". I have good reason to believe its the same guy) I drove 2 hours to bring her stuff back and one of the gifts she gave me but was unsure about taking back. It felt like a very peaceful goodbye. She did seem quite dissociated, bjt she was friendly. She even talked about giving the gift back one day. Told me I was going to make her cry by my kind words, and proceeded to give me a hug. She agreed to talk woth me later that night. As she was leaving the guy rudely told me to leave her alone. Then proceeded to text me from her phone doubling down on what he said in a fairly aggressive way. I thought that was the end of it.
1 week later she reached out to apologize for what happened. She said it was out of pocket and was freaked out over what happened and needed time to wrap her head around what happened. I accepted it, she offered to hold space for me to talk. I asked questions about the guy and she ghosted. So I left it alone.
Another 2 weeks later she reached out again asking if we could talk amd if I could hold space for her. I accepted and she told me she felt she ended things abruptly because of was totally distracted and didnt have clarity about everything going on. I offered to talk the next day as I was going to bed. and she warmly thanked me and asked me let me know when I was free. I texted her that night saying i was free and got ghosted again.
I sent a nice message a few days later basically saying that there are no hard feelings, and if she ever wants to talk that I am open to it. She did not reply.
A few days later she reached out thanking me for my kindness, but said she was seeing someone and wanted to put everything in the past. So again I merely accepted and wished her well. I thought it was truly done this time.
Well 2 days later she messaged me asking me for a favour. I asked what she wanted from me and she explained she was back with her ex "A" "because of her
PLEASE READ", and that he was drunk and thought I was "C". She then asked if I could pretend to be "C". She apologized by saying "sorry, Im a pest" I kindly told her that while I'm available if she wants to talk or is in crisis, that no, I will not be involved with her other relationships. She responded woth "bye". She then called minutes later asking me to tell him we aren't seeing eachother. She sounded frantic and I could her him drunky yelling in the background. I told him we arent seeing eachother. He then asked my last name and she asked me (she knows my last name, so at least she seemed to protect my identity), and I got threatened by him. The threat frankly doesnt concern me much for my safety based on the distance, but I do worry about her safety. I think he is the person she was talking about seeing when she changed her mind about wanting to talk.
1 week after all of that, she unblocked me on social media for the first time since the breakup, but never said anything. Its been almost 3 weeks and neither of us have said anything. What do you all think happened here? And why did she unblock me after all of this?
I know she struggles with connecting after there has been a rupture due to feeling guilt. I saw her avoid talking to family when she wanted t, due to her feeling guilty and like she would be judged. Is her unblocking me her hoping I will reach out? Or am I just looking too far into this? Why unblock me now after all of this?
Im not sure what to do, while her actions were chaotic and hurtful, she was trying very hard to do better in life while we were dating. She never abused me or said anything nasty during the relationship, or even during this saga. She has always been kind. Any form of abuse has been involving other men, and her intermittent contact.
I saw an incredibly kind, loving, and empathetic person, that was trying so hard to do better, attending therapy, doing dbt, and seemed genuinely happy that she had finally chosen right, all for it to be thrown away.
I probably need to work on my own codependency issues, but part of me still feels attachment. And I genuinely feel like this could have been exacerbated by a manic episode (because she seemed quite dysregulated after increasing her dose), and that this is not who she is at her core.
I've thought about reaching out in case she wants to talk, but she is afraid of my reaction. I feel like it could be good closure, since I won't be in a state of ambiguity anymore, but I do fear a negative reaction.
What do you all think of this? And what should I do?
