Anyway to reach out to uexBPDbf who has completely painted me black?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi,
I probably shouldn't revisit this but it's still on my mind.  I'm worried about him.  He knew something was wrong having anger, panic attacks and bouts of extreme anxiety and some depression.  He had asked me to help him get help after mistaking a panic attack for a heart attack and going to ER.  He was put on an anti-depressant and told me it wasn't making him "feel right".  He asked me for help to see a psychiatrist and get into counseling but then he switched jobs and we were waiting for the waiting period for insurance to kick in.

On 12/29 he loved me and wanted me to move in with him and insisted we talk about it.  He wanted a bigger commitment.  By the next day I was completely cut off except for a phone call and a furious rage 2 days later saying he hated me, never wanted to see me again, he found somebody new and if I were in front of him, he would bash my face in.  I later found he had been online lining up my replacement a month in advance all the while trying to draw me in closer.  He has blocked me on FB, changed his phone #, I don't know his email address.  A while ago I mailed him a letter but that was in the beginning when I was still in the panicky stages and he didn't respond.

Little did I know he wasn't just being a d***.    I was in shock and devastated to be abandoned by someone I loved so much.  But to my surprise, just a little less than a month and a half later, I'm doing pretty good all things considered.   

Now that I've learned so much about BPD, I can't help but to think back that if only I had been able to get him into the doc sooner, maybe all this wouldn't have happened.   He wanted help.  He knew something was wrong but didn't know what.   I wish I could help him.  Is there a non-threatening way to maybe send him a letter or contact him saying if he needs emotional support, I'm here for him?  I'm painted black right now but I want him to feel safe with me again.   Is there a way I can accomplish him feeling safe to come to me if he needs to? 

Should I wait until his current relationship implodes?  I know it will.  It already is in the process according to his sister along with some other things he has going on.  Knowing how he was with me, when the stressors add up, he became very anxious and despondent and dependent on me.   She said he doesn't seem as attached to new gf and that mostly it's them going out on weekends drinking a lot.  They can't see other on weekdays due to their jobs and distance.  Rough times were always when he'd regress into somewhat of a child like state and he was his most receptive to direction and someone intervening to help and his sister thinks this girl doesn't have the capacity to take care of herself let alone help him when he needs it. 

Should I wait until the world falls down around him again... .as it always done?  That's always been when he relied on me most.  This is my first time I've been completely cut off.  Not sure if I should ever even contact him again and hope that he just contacts me at some point or should I take advantage of the fact that I know this man and his cycle of emotions.  He has no one and had no one but me.  All family that matters are in other states and they've given up on him.  He has no children, never married, and his friendships are superficial.   He is all by himself most of the time when things just fall down around him from his own doing and I know how lonely it feels.  I want to help him if possible.  I supposed I answered my own questions didn't I?  Just wait it out?   Interesting enough, I used his online dating profile to send him a few messages. He read them but didn't block me this time.  He didn't respond either.  I don't want to be hopeful that's a positive sign but not being immediately blocked when he blocked me a month ago from all contact, is that a good sign that maybe I can find a safe approach for him to feel safe with me again and start painting me white?  Can I even influence that?

[mjssmom]

Hi,
I probably shouldn't revisit this but it's still on my mind.  I'm worried about him.  He knew something was wrong having anger, panic attacks and bouts of extreme anxiety and some depression.  He had asked me to help him get help after mistaking a panic attack for a heart attack and going to ER.  He was put on an anti-depressant and told me it wasn't making him "feel right".  He asked me for help to see a psychiatrist and get into counseling but then he switched jobs and we were waiting for the waiting period for insurance to kick in.

On 12/29 he loved me and wanted me to move in with him and insisted we talk about it.  He wanted a bigger commitment.  By the next day I was completely cut off except for a phone call and a furious rage 2 days later saying he hated me, never wanted to see me again, he found somebody new and if I were in front of him, he would bash my face in.  I later found he had been online lining up my replacement a month in advance all the while trying to draw me in closer.  He has blocked me on FB, changed his phone #, I don't know his email address.  A while ago I mailed him a letter but that was in the beginning when I was still in the panicky stages and he didn't respond.

Little did I know he wasn't just being a d***.    I was in shock and devastated to be abandoned by someone I loved so much.  But to my surprise, just a little less than a month and a half later, I'm doing pretty good all things considered.   

Now that I've learned so much about BPD, I can't help but to think back that if only I had been able to get him into the doc sooner, maybe all this wouldn't have happened.   He wanted help.  He knew something was wrong but didn't know what.   I wish I could help him.  Is there a non-threatening way to maybe send him a letter or contact him saying if he needs emotional support, I'm here for him?  I'm painted black right now but I want him to feel safe with me again.   Is there a way I can accomplish him feeling safe to come to me if he needs to? 

Should I wait until his current relationship implodes?  I know it will.  It already is in the process according to his sister along with some other things he has going on.  Knowing how he was with me, when the stressors add up, he became very anxious and despondent and dependent on me.   She said he doesn't seem as attached to new gf and that mostly it's them going out on weekends drinking a lot.  They can't see other on weekdays due to their jobs and distance.  Rough times were always when he'd regress into somewhat of a child like state and he was his most receptive to direction and someone intervening to help and his sister thinks this girl doesn't have the capacity to take care of herself let alone help him when he needs it. 

Should I wait until the world falls down around him again... .as it always done?  That's always been when he relied on me most.  This is my first time I've been completely cut off.  Not sure if I should ever even contact him again and hope that he just contacts me at some point or should I take advantage of the fact that I know this man and his cycle of emotions.  He has no one and had no one but me.  All family that matters are in other states and they've given up on him.  He has no children, never married, and his friendships are superficial.   He is all by himself most of the time when things just fall down around him from his own doing and I know how lonely it feels.  I want to help him if possible.  I supposed I answered my own questions didn't I?  Just wait it out?   Interesting enough, I used his online dating profile to send him a few messages. He read them but didn't block me this time.  He didn't respond either.  I don't want to be hopeful that's a positive sign but not being immediately blocked when he blocked me a month ago from all contact, is that a good sign that maybe I can find a safe approach for him to feel safe with me again and start painting me white?  Can I even influence that?

[infjEpic]

Now that I've learned so much about BPD, I can't help but to think back that if only I had been able to get him into the doc sooner, maybe all this wouldn't have happened. 

Unfortunately, it would have still happened.
BPD requires serious intervention.
Most doctors wouldn't know where to begin - and even assuming the Doc would have known to refer him for DBT treatment - you're taking about years of work - and that is when the BPD sufferer acknowledges they have a disorder (most do not - therefore the treatment is ineffective)

The point is - Your awareness, or lack thereof, of BPD & its symptoms made no difference.

Learning about BPD helps us to understand, to recover and move on.
But there are more important truths to be realised - and these are the truths which concern ourselves.

He wanted help.  He knew something was wrong but didn't know what.   I wish I could help him.  Is there a non-threatening way to maybe send him a letter or contact him saying if he needs emotional support, I'm here for him?  I'm painted black right now but I want him to feel safe with me again.   Is there a way I can accomplish him feeling safe to come to me if he needs to? 

Is this the same man who told you 'he would bash your face in'?
I'm not criticising you with that remark - I've been there... .
I just want you to take the full man into consideration - the good & the bad. Both are him.

Before you do anything - I would like to remember that you must put your own safety and your own wellbeing first.
He is not going to take care of you.
So if you don't take care of you - nobody will.

When caretakers are enduring difficult emotions - we have a tendency to distract ourselves by addressing the problems of others. Consciously or subconsciously. This is part of the reason why caretakers feel so empty after the BPD relationship has concluded... .we are so used to being occupied almost full time by the BPD.

I think you should make room for the idea that he may not be feeling how you are feeling.
You believe that he is experiencing these emotions, but he is disordered. Therefore, it's quite unlikely.
You may be projecting your thoughts and emotions onto him.

Unfortunately - a more probable scenario is that he has smeared you and told horrible lies about you.

I don't want to be hopeful that's a positive sign but not being immediately blocked when he blocked me a month ago from all contact, is that a good sign that maybe I can find a safe approach for him to feel safe with me again and start painting me white?  Can I even influence that?

Do you want to be recycled?

Typically, when Nons are recycled after a serious break, the intensity of the abuse ratchets up (after some initial periods of lucidity) - the reason being that the pwBPD genuinely believes they have been abandoned, so they feel fully justified in action in the most extreme actions.

[bus boy]

Reach out to your self. Work on detaching emotionally and keep moving on. I held on to my Xw for years, was manuplated and emotionally abused, she had no intention of making me a part of her life, for us to be a family. She met a man and I was discarded in a most cruel manner and to this day talks to me like I'm a dog. My point being I gave several years of my precious life to a emotionally disordered person. I was so mentally broken as long as she was in my life, I was deviststed when I was discarded, that's when I knew I had to do something, I started learning about personality disorders. Now a year1/2 with her out of my life I'm a very different person. If you wish to continue holding your self back than continue with trying to help but if you want to blossom, get the best out of life than go NC and move on to a positive future.

[heartandwhole]

Hi mjssmom,

I can understand that these things are on your mind. It's obvious that you really care about the wellbeing of your ex., and naturally you want to help if you can.

There is nothing wrong with reaching out or wanting to have some kind of relationship. Since he's not welcoming communication from you right now, however, you could use this opportunity to really focus on yourself, your needs/wants, and examine your truest motivations with regard to this relationship.

How are you coping with his silence? What feelings are the most challenging?

heartandwhole 

[mjssmom]

I don't know heartandwhole.  Overall considering this happened only 1 1/2 months ago, for the most part I think I'm handling it pretty well.  In looking for my own closure since I won't get it from him, I've been learning so much about BPD that I think it almost makes me over empathetic to him.   Like a little kid, he can't help he has no self control it seems.  But then again, maybe I've been making excuses to myself.  I still love him and I think my empathy makes me feel vunerable and sentimental.  Sometimes I'm even still experiencing pangs of shock at times like could this really be real?

[earlyL]

.  Sometimes I'm even still experiencing pangs of shock at times like could this really be real?

I have the pangs of shock as well, I often think this must be a total dream, how can something l thought was so real have actually been something so different for her. Won't she just come up the stairs and we have a meal like normal.

I keep holding on to the fact that I believe it did change for them quite instantly - when they felt validated by someone else. During one of our conversations my exBPD said I wasn't around and so she met someone else. It was like that was ok. I feel like in a way I got some of the closure that you never got so I hope this might be helpful, but when I questioned her if she really had been feeling that way why she hadn't ever told me about those feelings and then we could have done something about it, (wasn't two years of living together and talking about kids worth it) or at least tried. She could never answer, she just went into the silent treatment. Then after six weeks of discard when I could take no more and ended the relationship, she actually said 'I should have talked to you before' it felt like a child's response. like she could only have said that to make herself feel better because I forced the end, I don't think it ever crossed her mind because it is all about their feelings. I've never known any break up like it. My T says I am emotionally battered. I think that is a good description for us all.

[Confused108]

Let him go. I know it's hard trust me! My ex came back after 26 years! I had NO Idea she was this mentally ill. She played me like a fiddle broke my heart all over agin and walked away without a care in the world and dumped everything on me. Projection at its finest. let him go. You CANT FIX HIM! I'm sorry to say. I took me a long time to realize this myself. Let him go. Take care of yourself. And what ever you do do NOT  take him back if he tries to recycle you. He will throw you in your head worse then the 1st time. If my ex were to ever return ... .again... I do t think she will bc it was a very ugly break... .I would tell her exactly where she can stick it. I am 100% out of the FOG now. Do yourself a favor and run . Don't ever look back. I wish I knew about this illness before hand. It would have saved me a lot of heart ache. I would have cut my ex off at the legs in the very beginning.

[FallenOne]

If you're painted black, you are sh!t to them... .They see you as the worst person in the world... And the only way they can justify their feelings/emotions of whatever THEY did, is by seeing you this way. The only way you can reach out to them, is once they have painted your replacement black, or someone else... If your replacement (or whoever) screws up, makes a mistake or pi$$es off your BPDex... Then, and ONLY then, do you have a chance at being painted white again and being recycled... .That would be the time to make some sort of amends... They may also contact you in an instance of emotional turmoil where they remember you, and miss you, or during an argument with their current supply source.

[heartandwhole]

I still love him and I think my empathy makes me feel vunerable and sentimental.  Sometimes I'm even still experiencing pangs of shock at times like could this really be real?

I can really understand that. I felt a lot of empathy and love for pwBPD, too. It's a very sad situation for both parties. 

Have you seen this article below? It really helped me to understand that what I was experiencing during and after the relationship might have been very different from what pwBPD was experiencing. It helped me with acceptance, although it took time.

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

I was stuck in several of the beliefs listed in that article, especially clinging to his words and  believing that he felt the same way I did.

Any of those beliefs resonate with you?

heartandwhole

[mjssmom]

Matt S.  I don't know.  A lot of people think he is going to try to recycle me.  He was so dependent on me.  But I feel inside it's done in some ways and I'll never hear from him again and then again, I was all he had.  But for all I know, he'll keep going online to find her replacement too unless he's triggered by the fact that he's surrounded by me all over his house.  He also can be very sentimental.  I don't know if that will effect anything when he comes down from his rage or not.  And does always come down from it and starts regretting and he does experience shame.  If you knew this girl and him, eventually this is going to blow up in both their faces.  It's a given.  I doubt it will last long.  On one hand, I want to help him, I have it set up and he was willing before this and he tends to go back to needing help from someone he trusts.   He did trust me at one point.  But I know he was worried I'd leave him.  Maybe that's what prompted him to do this.  Get her before she gets me mentality.    I'm rambling now.  If he does seek me out, hopefully I'll be at the point that I just won't care.  But I'm a caretaker.  I have a hard time turning my back on people that need help.

[FallenOne]

Their behavior is completely unpredictable... You never know what they're going to do next. Mine left me right before xmas over a silly argument that she escalated out of proportion... Didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want to resolve anything... Gave me the silent treatment for 24 hours beforehand and then attempted to go to my house while I was at work to get all of her stuff, so that she could avoid facing me and just block me on all fronts... I wasn't having that. I confronted her. She still wouldn't even look at me or talk to me... Projected all of her stuff onto me (called me abusive, manipulative, I ruined her life, etc... ) and then told me good riddance... .Sent people to my house to threaten me... .And even filed a restraining order AGAINST ME! Imagine that!

And this was after 4 years of dealing with things that were MUCH, MUCH worse and going through so many ups and downs... And she gave up over that.

I could have never saw that coming... And I have no idea what she will try next, if anything.

[bus boy]

As nons we are genuine, kind, caring people with compassion and empathy. Think of your ex partner. They manuplated us, emotionally and verbally abused us, lied, sarcastic, talked to us and treated us like we were less than nothing. There comes a point when we must save our self. Yes they are sick, yes we loved them but when is enough enough, when do we stop trying. There is so much help and education out there today that there is no excuse. If you loved a drug addict and did everything to help but they kept using drugs it would get to the point that you would have to save your self and your family. You would have to detach or go down with the ship. You can't help your ex partner but you can help you and you do it by detaching it might be the best for your partner if you weren't there to enable. Think of how horrible they were and they wouldn't show us the same compassion unless there was some benifit for them. They suck us dry and move on to another victim.