how do you keep yourself NC in the early stages?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Some days the urge to send a message or an email is such a pain... .
i just keep thinking on something to say even tho i know it wouldn't change a single thing.

how to stop thinking about reaching out... .i know i would just say the same things with different words if a sent her anything... .but well... .i wonder if there's something i can do about this

[noideaforname]

Some days the urge to send a message or an email is such a pain... .
i just keep thinking on something to say even tho i know it wouldn't change a single thing.

how to stop thinking about reaching out... .i know i would just say the same things with different words if a sent her anything... .but well... .i wonder if there's something i can do about this

[ynwa]

Hello no idea,

It is really hard to be no contact. You are right.  It sometimes doesn't make sense why, and seems just plain stupid to not talk or contact someone you care about right? But when you find yourself in those moments, write to yourself or talk to a friend. Even talk out loud.  There is no set way.

I've found that going out and leaving my phone at home and finding something new to do or explore has helped.   I've written several letters and emails and the thrown them away or deleted them.

The idea of no contact in the end is for you. It gives you space to work out where you are and find balance.

Is there anything you really need to say to them?

[In a bad way]

I have the same problem, not a day goes by where I don't think about contacting her but I've said everything until I was blue in the face. It didn't sink in when we were together so it won't now.
Also she is the one who told me never to contact her again and I sent a letter after 4 months and was ignored.
Also there is a good chance she will phone the police and be a victim of harassment.
And she obviously doesn't want contact because I have had nothing not even a drunken text.
Also I know previous people she has discarded she never contacted again.

[apollotech]

Some days the urge to send a message or an email is such a pain... .
i just keep thinking on something to say even tho i know it wouldn't change a single thing.

how to stop thinking about reaching out... .i know i would just say the same things with different words if a sent her anything... .but well... .i wonder if there's something i can do about this

Hi noideaforname,

I wish that I had a fix-all answer for you, but at the end of the day it is really about you maintaining control of yourself. That's why, not withstanding all of the chaos, pain, confusion, etc. that a BPD relationship can cause, they also present great opportunities for self-discovery and personal gowth. At some point the desire to reach out will ease. Take advantage of this time to discover who you are, what you want, etc.

[Infern0]

I thought about her laughing and showing her friends or the nrw guy my texts and all having a good laugh.

Thats what she did with me when her exes texted her.

[Aesir]

Sheer force of will. The times that I find myself slipping I remember what drove me to make such a drastic decision. The memories and hurt are enough to snap me out of it. Plus I tend to try to concentrate on other things.

[SuperJew82]

Block all communication where you cannot read it if you wanted to. SO IMPORTANT.

[noideaforname]

I thought about her laughing and showing her friends or the nrw guy my texts and all having a good laugh.

Thats what she did with me when her exes texted her.

i don't know why but this thing u said made me read your first posts... .and ur history is a lot like mine, my ex has 18 years too and im older... .and the behaviors u describe are exactly the same as she presents... .i mean its like we dated the same person. even the scenarios are the same.

@topic.

well its hard because some days i feel an urge to contact her and talk about things... .but i know it doesn't mean anything to her and she will just read show to a friend and post a snapchat saying how life is DA best

[marti644]

No idea for a name,

In my opinion NC is the only form of control you will ever have over your BPD-ex. And honestly speaking I think it is the only punishment or form of retribution you can ever give them. They make it there life's work to recycle and re-use those that are susceptible to their seduction. Now that you're away make a clean break and start again. And don't ever look back.

[SuperJew82]

No idea for a name,

In my opinion NC is the only form of control you will ever have over your BPD-ex. And honestly speaking I think it is the only punishment or form of retribution you can ever give them. They make it there life's work to recycle and re-use those that are susceptible to their seduction. Now that you're away make a clean break and start again. And don't ever look back.

What this guy said! Don't look back... .You have to set yourself free. These are not regular people who you can be friends with. They see you as a resource for their twisted emotional needs. They will never take others well being into consideration when it comes to getting what they want.

[once removed]

hi ideaforaname,

sorry to hear youre hurting. separation from a loved one is painful, no doubt about it.

have you considered writing an expression of what you would like to say, but not sending it to her? many members find it to be therapeutic.

i think it also helps to have a clear understanding about what "no contact" is and isnt about, and in the event that one chooses it, the pros and cons. right now, contact from your end is not being responded to, and thats painful. it is in your best interest not to continue to reach out - that undoubtedly hurts too, but it will pass over time, distance, and some self focus.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

[noideaforname]

hi ideaforaname,

sorry to hear youre hurting. separation from a loved one is painful, no doubt about it.

have you considered writing an expression of what you would like to say, but not sending it to her? many members find it to be therapeutic.

i think it also helps to have a clear understanding about what "no contact" is and isnt about, and in the event that one chooses it, the pros and cons. right now, contact from your end is not being responded to, and thats painful. it is in your best interest not to continue to reach out - that undoubtedly hurts too, but it will pass over time, distance, and some self focus.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

i made some letters that i never send... .i would write them and just throw away after... .but i don't see the point in doing this... im writing to myself this way... .i feel a five minute relief and them i remember i just wrote to myself and that changes nothing... .not that any other way around would change anything

[blanchard]

Some days the urge to send a message or an email is such a pain... .
i just keep thinking on something to say even tho i know it wouldn't change a single thing.

how to stop thinking about reaching out... .i know i would just say the same things with different words if a sent her anything... .but well... .i wonder if there's something i can do about this

Normalizing new behaviours takes considerable will power; however, there is a body of evidence that suggests that if you can make it past 90 days, then the major work is behind you. 

You need to reallocate your attention, and there is no cookie-cutter solution that applies to everyone.  It isn't uncommon for people to become fitter than they have ever been in their lives when leaving a BPD relationship, as they invest themselves in their physical pursuits.  I did it through a mixture of power lifting at the gym, and working on my classical guitar repertoire. 

Underscoring my struggles leaving my BPD partner: I have never been as strong physically and my guitar playing is now at a professional level; it was a bloody hard slog, mate.

You'll get there.