Working through bouts of confusion during divorce

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

I am currently in the process of divorcing my wife of 10 years with whom I was together for over 12. Although I have always been aware that my wife suffered deep emotional wounds, it was only after our breakup that I came to learn about BPD.

In spite of my relief at discovering something that seems to speak to clearly to my experience, I still go through periods of deep doubt – does she really suffer from BPD? Am I trying to deny my own responsibility for the failure of our marriage? Could I have done more? So many questions still linger and while I accept that the kind of closure I believe would help is likely not going to be possible, I still struggle from time to time.

I understand this is a process and have been fortunate to have a strong network of friends, as well as a therapist and a mindfulness practice which has been extremely helpful in managing all of the emotions that come up. I would be grateful for any insights you would care to share.

With respect,

   Klahkmoum

[Klahkmoum]

Hello,

I am currently in the process of divorcing my wife of 10 years with whom I was together for over 12. Although I have always been aware that my wife suffered deep emotional wounds, it was only after our breakup that I came to learn about BPD.

In spite of my relief at discovering something that seems to speak to clearly to my experience, I still go through periods of deep doubt – does she really suffer from BPD? Am I trying to deny my own responsibility for the failure of our marriage? Could I have done more? So many questions still linger and while I accept that the kind of closure I believe would help is likely not going to be possible, I still struggle from time to time.

I understand this is a process and have been fortunate to have a strong network of friends, as well as a therapist and a mindfulness practice which has been extremely helpful in managing all of the emotions that come up. I would be grateful for any insights you would care to share.

With respect,

   Klahkmoum

[heartandwhole]

Hi Klahkmoum,



I'm sorry to hear that you are divorcing. That is always difficult, especially after 12 years together. It's very understandable to have doubts, struggle, and question yourself—you are definitely not alone in that, and it's a natural part of the grieving process.   

I'm glad you posted, because you've found a great place for support here. The site has tons of tools and resources that will help you in the detachment process. Most importantly, members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through.

It's great that you have a good support network—that is tremendously helpful. I am a  believer in the power of meditation and mindfulness, too, and have found it to be beneficial for me in many ways. Being in therapy itself can also bring up issues and feelings that need attention, so it makes sense that you have days when you struggle.

How is your wife dealing with the divorce? Do you have children together?

Keep writing, it helps to share. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Klahkmoum]

Hi Heart and Whole -

Thanks for replying and welcoming me here.

I'm not sure what my wife is doing - we have very limited contact apart from some short emails about the divorce proceedings. We do not have children.

I know at the beginning of last year she was seeing a therapist but am not sure that it lasted very long – she is very articulate, very intelligent, and very convinced that I caused the marriage to fail.

She did see a therapist years ago, shortly after we moved back to the UK (we met and lived for years in SE Asia.) I didn't know the details as she wanted to keep it very personal, but I was relieved because I knew her family history (emotional and physical abuse as a child) and I could see how that abuse was having a strong effect within the family dynamic, and to a lesser extent in our own relationship (rage, anger issues, yelling, demeaning words).

The therapy only lasted a few weeks and she never really spoke about it apart from saying that the therapist decided she was doing fine and didn't need therapy. She had started a mindfulness practice shortly before, and while it has helped over the years with some of the anger, the core issues I believe still remain.

Since we've split I've heard from friends and colleagues that there is still a lot of conflict in her work life, which was always the case – conflict with work and with family.

The irony, or the gift – maybe both – is that I was able to turn to mindfulness as a tool thanks to her. Listening to talks by certain teachers was the first thing I did the day we split, and have done so almost every night since.

With respect,

Klahkmoum

[blueblue12]

Hello Klahkmoum,
There are many great posts on this forum and great people that will help and support you though these hard to comprehend issues. Like you I had a long relationship/marriage (ten years) that dissolve rather badly. The last year was basically a year where I was treated with disrespect, in a cold and detached way throughout and I basically took it, I felt I was wrong so I will try and fix myself, i was made to feel that I was not a great companion. I went a therapist who started to help me work through my issues first my 'controlling/jealous guy' issues as I was told I was a monster, I was asked by my ex to write her an apology letter for all the bad treatment I gave her over the years. I was completely demoralised by this.

As my therapy went on my counsellor said one day "from what you describe it sounds like she is borderline" I had never heard of this condition. I knew my ex had a terrible sexually and physically abusive childhood, in the years together she had terrible aggressive temper, I was yelled at, punched, things in the house were often broken and the entire street must have woken every time she decided to go off even if it was 3am! She could not stop. I would try and try and defuse it but could not do it, sometimes I would just engage as well (never physically) but at times I had enough as well. It was crazy. I would often, as it was developing, wondered what triggered the particular rage, it was so weird.

So it took me ten years to work out that these were traits of a borderline. Of course she has been to therapy countless of times and no one has told her that, but it takes a particular therapist to spot it and be able to work with it. Most of the times she would come back and if she said anything to me about the session it was usually tha she is doing well, getting stronger and I am too controlling.

Well, I could never leave her. I was the enabler, the supporter, I did everything for her, paid bills, mortgage and cooked. I also organise and supported many other areas of our lives, so it was exhausting. At the end she left me and her detachment left me in a bad way. It was cruel and cold. She would look straight into my eye and be able to say hurtful things without any trace of empathy. So strange, especially when this woman used to idolise me, I was the best, for a time!

As you will find we all have similar stories and most of us get stuck in this rather cruel scenario without closure.

[Klahkmoum]

Hi Raul

Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry that you have suffered so much, and appreciate you sharing your story.

What has been the most helpful thing in trying to make sense of this since you split? Therapy? Friends and family? Reflection? I understand that our relationship was not a bad bubble and I've been making a sincere and concert d effort to understand my role in this. It challenging when I've been accused of emotional abuse and repeatedly told the reason for the end of the marriage is my fault.

Hence my confusion. I understand that objectively we both had a part to play, but I'm still conflicted by her side of the 'story' if you know what I mean.

Best

Klahkmoum

[Elliesue]

Hi Raul
Gosh only just posed my introduction then read your post.
Thank you for sharing. My experience is with a male partner but has so many similarities! The part where you say you joined in was particularly poignant for me as I kept doing it time and time again! I think it was a sort of fight back against the hurt and pain. I really just wanted him to stop the vile nasty names and demeaning comment !
Another issue for me is I could never get the response right and even though he's left still can't now!

Best EllieSue

[Claycrusher]

I still go through periods of deep doubt – does she really suffer from BPD?

Let me challenge you with a question or two, Klahkmoum:  Fundamentally, what difference does it make to you what her exact diagnosis is?  Who benefits more from an exact diagnosis; you or her?

If she is a pathological liar, highly manipulative, lacking in ordinary levels of empathy, lacking impulse control, and lacks respects for accepted cultural and societal boundaries, what causes her to behave that way is fundamentally of more value to her than you because accurate diagnosis can lead to effective management of symptoms. 

My BPD ex-wife went off an lied her way in to being diagnosed as a repressed lesbian with PTSD co-morbid with anxiety and depression.  That doesn't change the fact that she was a textbook example of bad BPD behavior during our relationship and it doesn't change the fact that she's apparently still highly symptomatic for BPD now.

What has changed is that I am no longer linked to a manipulative pathological liar who treated me a lot more like a tool than a human being.  I never did care about accurate diagnosis for my own sake, but for hers.  She doesn't care about it and now that we should have a Final Decree of Divorce on my birthday at the end of this month, I have no obligation to her to care about her diagnosis, either.  And I don't. 

What I did care about was being lied to over things great and small, her constant manipulative behaviors, her near total lack of empathy, and so on.  From my perspective, I did nothing to earn or deserve that kind of callous treatment.  What caused her to dish it out isn't my problem.  Being the recipient of it, however, certainly was.

Now, I won't be, anymore.  And whether she ever manages to manage the symptoms of BPD or not is now entirely her problem, rather than one I formerly shared with her.