It Never Ends

[Depression = 72% of members]

Wow.  Despite the passage of time, and putting all of this well behind me, I am still contacted by my ex. 

-Messages left on my phone, until I removed my voice mail.
-SMS messages, despite her number being blocked.
-Ominously, email messages, despite her address being blocked.
-Lastly, and most distressingly, I saw her milling about my condo last month.  This despite moving and leaving no trails behind me. 

When I was still in the throes of BPD, I would look at all of this attention in a flattering way, as it would confirm-in my head-that we would be reunited and loving once more.

Now I see all this with a shudder of horror, and want nothing to do with her.

Everyone, I have been in your shoes.  Take the advice that was given to me that changed my life for the better:

Leave, and never look back. 

The quicker you do this, the quicker you can get back to enjoying a sane and happy life again.

[blanchard]

Wow.  Despite the passage of time, and putting all of this well behind me, I am still contacted by my ex. 

-Messages left on my phone, until I removed my voice mail.
-SMS messages, despite her number being blocked.
-Ominously, email messages, despite her address being blocked.
-Lastly, and most distressingly, I saw her milling about my condo last month.  This despite moving and leaving no trails behind me. 

When I was still in the throes of BPD, I would look at all of this attention in a flattering way, as it would confirm-in my head-that we would be reunited and loving once more.

Now I see all this with a shudder of horror, and want nothing to do with her.

Everyone, I have been in your shoes.  Take the advice that was given to me that changed my life for the better:

Leave, and never look back. 

The quicker you do this, the quicker you can get back to enjoying a sane and happy life again.

[earlyL]

Thank you for this post - it is a useful thing to hear on an early stage of a break up. I keep going over if I want it to be fully over or if I still have some hope, and I have to admit each day I feel stronger in not ever looking back.

How long since you split - were they in contact the whole time or just recently?

LW

[SuperJew82]

Classic activity. I had the same. I know if I were to unblock her, I would see random text still come in... 2 NC months in. I can't fully block her emails, and I get a weird email every couple weeks... .I'm pretty sure she does drive bys or etc... .I just haven't caught her.

[SuperJew82]

Having never experienced the crazy charming campaign before in a relationship... .I thought the same thing. I was like:

" Wow, I'm soo important to her that it is making her go crazy... .she is texting me and promising this and that, and just refuses to let me go. - I must be very important to her and loved and it sounds like she is committed to making it work" I loved the idea I meant so much to someone.

I could not have been more wrong.

Now after a little time and education - She terrifies me and I dodge her fishing attempts like Neo dodging bullets. I read other posts and I consider myself lucky for getting out after a year and a half... .after 2 months NC, I am finally starting to feel at peace... .

[Lb3807]

I blocked everything, but he somehow found a way to call me still despite the number being blocked.  He would get mad and say he doesn't want to speak to me or be with me, I thought good, finally some peace.  I would block everything just to be safe and as soon as he realized I had my own life the calls and emails would start rolling back in.  He couldn't stand the idea of me being around anyone else (even just friends) and would stop at nothing to make sure he knew where I was and who I was with.

I am still dealing with trying to get the break up to stick, but it can be really tough to break free.  It's good to know none of us are alone in our experiences.

[SuperJew82]

That was my downfall. I was strong enough to hold my ground and say " this isn't acceptable, you are out" . I was never prepared for the massive efforts she used to get me back. This happened maybe almost a dozen times in our 1.5 year relationship.

I never had to fortify all my communication methods, keep my car in the garage, worry about someone using my work email.

I would have been done 3 months into the relationship if she would not have tried to manipulate me. I could have saved myself from the lying, gaslighting, confusion, cheating, etc... .I'm 2 NC months in and doing great so far. My therapist role played some tactics pwBPD use to make sure I was ready to deflect them. I know she is arranging her web of guys as she is online dating. I feel so sorry for those guys. I sometimes wish I could send them a message of warning, but this not my burden anymore. She will continue making her path of destruction, but I will not be in that path.

[SuperJew82]

What blanchard said:

Leave and never look back... .

Smartest advice I have ever read on this forum.

[blanchard]

Thank you for this post - it is a useful thing to hear on an early stage of a break up. I keep going over if I want it to be fully over or if I still have some hope, and I have to admit each day I feel stronger in not ever looking back.

How long since you split - were they in contact the whole time or just recently?

LW

-Years have passed.
-Nary a peep for over a year, then it came in dibs and drabs. All of it deflected

-From my experience: if you can muscle your way through one of their hovering attempts in complete NC, they will quickly move on to another target before long, and you will drop off their radar completely. 

-You will get past this, and when you do, you will find that-depending on the breadth and horror of your BPD experience-your personality has been recalibrated... .for the better. 

[blanchard]

That was my downfall. I was strong enough to hold my ground and say " this isn't acceptable, you are out" . I was never prepared for the massive efforts she used to get me back. This happened maybe almost a dozen times in our 1.5 year relationship.

I never had to fortify all my communication methods, keep my car in the garage, worry about someone using my work email.

I would have been done 3 months into the relationship if she would not have tried to manipulate me. I could have saved myself from the lying, gaslighting, confusion, cheating, etc... .I'm 2 NC months in and doing great so far. My therapist role played some tactics pwBPD use to make sure I was ready to deflect them. I know she is arranging her web of guys as she is online dating. I feel so sorry for those guys. I sometimes wish I could send them a message of warning, but this not my burden anymore. She will continue making her path of destruction, but I will not be in that path.

You sound as if you are through the worst of the post-BPD relationship buffeting.  One is elevated when they finally decide to turn their back on these horribly frivolous and life-wasting BPD escapades.  I have every confidence that this a mistake that you will never repeat. 

[marti644]

Blanchard, I feel the same way.

I have been NC for just over a month now and have got some stalking evidence. Strange repeated calls one morning, invites to my social media accounts that look as if they were made by a four year old version of someone I used to know, and attempts to goad me by posting sad "mourning" quotes on twitter. I have her blocked on my accounts but monitor her behaviour to see what I might have to expect that week. It's funny how devastated I was when I realized she was cheating on me repeatedly. Now all I want is for her to find someone else so she won't torture me anymore, although I don't wish her games on anyone. I am repelled by her more and more as the days go by.

As you said muscle your way through NC. I set strong boundaries immediately of NC and made it quite clear, in a very polite way, I did not have any interest in knowing her, being friends with her or keeping communication. This led to me being turned black of course but after the initial drama there has been NC. Although I fully expect attempts to reconnect they are likely to be lessened by the strong boundaries you set. Don't give an inch. They don't give anything to you don't give anything back.

I say "I'm free" almost every morning when I wake up now and breathe a sigh of relief. Time is so healing and drains the toxins.

[SuperJew82]

I agree. They see us as toys that they can pull our strings and get a response. If they figure out that nothing happens when they pull our chords... .well ... .we become an uninteresting toy, and they will move on and find something that is more entertaining. You would be surprised how effective NC is.

[marti644]

It's funny. Before the last time I ever talked to my BPD-ex in person to settle up ending our relationship I texted her in the morning saying I wasn't sure us meeting was a good idea. I didn't want to fight (code for I didn't want to be called names by her). Her response was "are you insane?", "do you think I am some sort of toy"? Never really thought about her saying that till now. I always knew her attacks were projections of what she saw herself as but the further I get away these projections become clearer. Very disturbing.

[SuperJew82]

Yes, I learned that I could use her projection to figure out what she was up to. If she became suspicious of me cheating and started looking through my facebook and my phone ( which I gave her permission to, but didn't think she would actually compile a list of all my conversation for her to analyze - nothing interesting was in them ) - she was messing around with one of her sideguys she kept around.

She accused me of being addicted to pills that my doc prescribed. She would say all these negative things about how my doctor was irresponsible for prescribing them to me etc... .( I refill my Adderall 3 out of 12 months a year - I would later catch her stealing them from me, and she would buy hers off of the street ) She would always make me feel like I had these problems.

Projection is something that all borderlines seem to do - and it's an easy way to read them once you understand what is happening.

To these emotional sociopaths, we are just play things. Just as a cat will paw and play with a caught mouse while it still has life in it, so will the emotional sociopath keep us around for their needs. Once they kill the mouse and the mouse doesn't react to their actions anymore, they move on and find another source to get their fix. They never had any real feeling for the battered mouse.

[AustenJ]

SuperJew82-

So are you saying there is always a price to be paid for BPD ?

I think we can bank on that!

sorry

[Tottie]

Superjew you are spot on with the cat metaphor. I actually confronted my ex borderline girlfriend with that metaphor and she was laughing and was proud of it. Sick people

[Ragnar1982]

I actually broke off during a recycle to be with somebody else. I told her this, and she went off the deep end. Raged at me on the phone for an hour and a half, and I just sat there and took my medicine. I told her at the end of the conversation I was going to block her because we have been down this road lots of times before. Since then I have had countless messages from her friend on FB, emails from my ex, and even a message from her 15 year old daughter. They go from sweet, to rude, to threatening. This has been going on for almost two months. The recycle attempt was only two weeks ago. I am only on day 3 of NC, but if history proves right, she won't go another day or two without saying something through email. Even though I was pretty firm with her a few days ago that she needs to move on. Very rarely was I replying to her emails, but she sent something threatening and I felt compelled to say something. I don't want her hurting this way, and as sick as it is, I do think she loves me. We are just too broken with all that has happened. Her response to my email was that she agreed she needed to move on, but I've heard that before. Either way, I guess the point is that they will keep trying to break down the barrier. I miss her a lot, but remind myself that the relationship I have with someone else is much more normal. Sometimes I don't think she wants me, but just wants the control of breaking up things with my new relationship.

[blueblue12]

Ragnar, feel for you. I on the other hand was left by my ex wife, she decided she was done, decided we should sell the house and get divorced, after a ten year spell, then proceeded to treat me badly for the entire last year, I stupidly (before knowing anything about BPD) tried, and tried and tried to fix the relationship! She was in the meantime living a single life, going out all the time, staying out, but she would say she was staying with her mum, or a girlfriend.

I was told point blank, "move on, you are in denial, we are done, I love you but I am not in love with you" etc. my therapist put this way recently "The discardment time, is like the water on top is still, but underneath is turbulent, like an emotional reaf, the borderline hasn't got a rest, it's constantly not trusting what it sees, because they live in a world where you don't really believe that someone really cares about you, they will fight that person until they get rejected, it's a sabotage, you offer the rose and she offers you the knife, it's the opposite. you need to keep remembering that the borderline position adores you, but also hates you, it loves you, it hates you, she did love you, she did care for you, you are attracting to her, I don't believe that she used you, but she abused you, I have no doubt that she loved you, I don't think you need to question that, just the love has got a big crack in it, that's not your crack, that crack was there from when she was little, borderline don't use people, they abuse them. But why does the borderline lose everything? At the end of the day the borderline position is to harm themselves, not you, it's not about harming you, remember they are not physopaths, they are not anti social personality, and that's why you want to rescue them because they are actually very beautiful people, they got a lot of love to give at a price, the price is destruction, the borderline will build a building then blow it up, this is the problem, if you give the borderline a beautiful ring, they love it, its beautiful, they want it, when they get angry they will get a hammer and smash it or throw it in the ocean, who are they hurting? Them, but it looks like they are hurting the other person, they will blow up the building, police will come and look for the criminal, the criminal it's inside the house why do they do this? Not to hurt you, they feel they don't deserve it, so they behave in bad ways"

Meanwhile, in the last year, I was still the enabler, the supporter, mr nice guy, trying to put the pieces together to no avail. I mean in the relationship I was lover, husband, enabler, supporter, encourager, paid the mortgage, cooked, develop artistic opportunities, developed work opportunities, produced wonderful work, etc. At the end she went away to a conference and I sold the house and packed my bits, the wrote her a goodbye letter and left while she was still away.

Then she started to write sad texts and an email, saying "please don't say goodbye, you can't do this, my heart is shattered, please don't" pleading, got her mum to call me urgently, sending emails and texts, then her brother contacted me, then she started to tell my son to contact her! I went NC and have been for over 6 weeks.

It's crazy behaviour and it leaves you with the problem, no closure... .

[Ragnar1982]

Raul, thanks for that. I agree with you. We have been apart about 2 months now, with 2-3 recycling attempts in that time. The last time I took her back was in November. She promised me the moon and everything we always talked about, but about a month in, made no effort to see me for over two weeks. Lied to me about why she couldn't, etc. no regard for planning holidays either. Then she vanished for 4 days starting on Christmas Day. I responded to that by delivering her things to her place of employment and the craziness has ensued since. When they have us, they don't make time for us. When they don't, it's always about how wonderful things will be. It's flipping nuts!

[marti644]

Here's another way to look at it.

My "victim of love" always used to say that "I was her drug" and that "I kept her going through the day".

What happens when you get addicted to a drug? You need more and more and more and then it stops having any effects so you leave and find a different drug. But because you are addicted to the drug you go into withdrawal and come back. This is the BPD relationship.

Cold turkey is the only way for both partners to lose their co-dependence.

[bus boy]

Hi Blanchard, it never ends. Xw doesn't contact me to talk or co parent in a healthy co parenting manner she contacts to manuplate or belittle my parenting in some way. A few weeks back I posted how Xw assaulted 2 of my family members. I feel they do this to keep some kind of attachment, negative or positive. They hate to loose an attachment. I feel they do this bc they have no replacement or they are trying to keep up the fake mast for the new replacement so they keep us attached in some way so they can give us there ugly since we have seen it all ready. When the emotionally disordered gets overwhelmed they must explode so someone gets it. I have noticed it goes in 2 or 3 week cycles but it is getting less and less Bc slow but sure I am learning to detach, give less and less and keep my good energy for me.

[stimpy]

And I thought it was just me... .

Just as a cat will paw and play with a caught mouse while it still has life in it, so will the emotional sociopath keep us around for their needs. Once they kill the mouse and the mouse doesn't react to their actions anymore, they move on and find another source to get their fix.

I had this EXACT feeling the first time we had a big bust up. The cause of the argument was relatively minor and could have been diffused if she had just set me straight and re-assured me. The argument was on the telephone, and she just kept deflecting and evading, and it was as if I could hear her smiling at my growing level of exasperation. She was literally enjoying it. And I thought, yeah, just like a cat playing with a mouse!

Only when I went NC and stopped engaging in all the madness, did she finally disappear - after about a year of stalking... .

"do you think I am some sort of toy"? Never really thought about her saying that till now. I always knew her attacks were projections of what she saw herself as but the further I get away these projections become clearer. Very disturbing.

Had this early on too. First time we slept together, she described herself as a "a new toy I could play with". I literally didn't know what to say, and I think I just said, "it's not like that" At the time I knew this was disturbing, but by then I was sinking deep into the FOG.

Ohhhh the  , why did I stay... .