Is abuse really this "impossible?"

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

I've escaped exactly about a handful of abusers, I've learned that more than the average non abused world likes to admit, that the world is silent to victims of abuse, they claim to be "outraged", "in disbelief such atrocities are possible" and say "never again".

In a way isn't this very thinking what keeps abusers in power and victims with no one to believe them? Abuse has skewed my trust, and taken my automatic assumption of everyone as good. I watch for signs, and when I see them I move away. When I don't see them, I relax, but always have a little vigilance inside me.

I feel like people have to really see abuse at its worst and stop looking away, narcissists don't have to be monsters every single second to be abusive, they can abuse while having a simple conversation , they can abuse while being a good neighbor, they can abuse while also making normal parent mistakes.
There is a black and white approach to abuse, well it only happened once, or its not bad enough to say anything yet?  There were instances where I was brought near to death as a child, but once it was over, and I wasn't dead, I had no choice but to go on... .was that bad enough for them? to whom do we owe the definition of abuse? the police? lawyers? social workers?
If we say it is bad enough, it is... .just like abusers say with stone cold faces "I didn't do it"

Abuse isn't black and white, and people have to stop excusing behavior as "not bad enough" and only pay attention when it is outrageous.

I escaped, but the idea that abuse is "inconceivable" and a mother /father would "NEVER" do this or that... .is exactly what caused my abuse to go on for 20 years.

This is more of a rant, but I truly believe there is a part of society that upholds abusers, and victims have to fight in silence for years due to the "inconceivability" of their experience.
It happens every day, and it progresses.

sorry for the rant.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi  DontGiveUpOnMe   

It can feel good to rant/vent.  It's a good way to help us work through our emotions.

I'm sorry about you history of abuse. How are things going for you now?  I read in your prior posts that you were thinking about moving in with an older couple who appeared to reach out to you and offer support.  Did that work out for you?

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Hello, I suppose it is helpful, but I am also trying to point out something that I think is systemically wrong with the approach to abuse. Thank you for reading. Things are somewhat better, but unfortunately the years of abuse don't seem to just disappear. Also, I am not completely out of the woods with the main abuser.

I decided to whether on my own without the couple, with time they started demanding to know details of my life. I am taking it day by day, but the storm of my past comes to knock me into trances often, attempting to deal with that is something I've been trying to make sense of, and sense of how 20 years of abuse by different perpetrators can go so long without any justice.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey DontGiveUpOnMe: 

link=topic=306427.msg12847719#msg12847719 date=1487644428]
I decided to whether on my own without the couple, with time they started demanding to know details of my life. I am taking it day by day, but the storm of my past comes to knock me into trances often, attempting to deal with that is something I've been trying to make sense of, and sense of how 20 years of abuse by different perpetrators can go so long without any justice.

Have you spoken to any authorities where you live about whether any type of legal charges can be made in regard your abusers?  What type of abuse (s) are you talking about, physical? sexual? mental?  

This is a safe place to share, when you are ready.      If you don't want to share here, talking to someone over the phone on an abuse hotline, might be helpful.  :)o you live in the US?

[Sarah girl]

Thank you for your post. I agree with you 100%. Often, these kinds of statements minimize and invalidate the trauma and impact abuse can have. I am so sorry you had to live through these horrors. I'm glad you are working to get away from the abusers - it shows a lot of courage. 

[Kwamina]

HI DontGiveUpOnMe,

Welcome back. Like Sarah girl, I can relate to the sentiments you expressed in your post. I think you make a very good point that people who are abusers, don't have to look and behave like abusers all the time. In fact, to outsiders they might not show any obvious signs of their abusive nature.

Factors that I believe also play a role here are the fantasy beliefs or images in societies, for instance about mothers and that all mothers are loving and behave accordingly. The reality can unfortunately often teach us otherwise yet accepting this reality can be very hard. This can also be why some people might find it very hard to believe others' accounts of abuse and may even go as far as to discredit them. Sometimes people have been through abuse themselves but might be unwilling or unable to confront that reality so instead deny it. This can also explain why they might choose to invalidate other people's experiences of abuse, because if they were to acknowledge them, they likely would also need to acknowledge their own pain and history of abuse and that just might be too much for them. This is sad though, because we cannot heal anything that we don't acknowledge.

I am taking it day by day, but the storm of my past comes to knock me into trances often, attempting to deal with that is something I've been trying to make sense of, and sense of how 20 years of abuse by different perpetrators can go so long without any justice.

Perhaps you will find this thread helpful in which we talk about healing from trauma and dealing with emotional flashbacks:
Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Taking it day by day seems very wise to me, also considering these words from Pete Walker:
"Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."

Take care

The Board Parrot