Help Is my ex-friend BPD or NPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm hoping someone can help me make sense of the hell and emotional turmoil I'm currently in. I've had a relationship with a p/wBPD before so not sure if this is the same or different. I think this is more covert NPD?

A few weeks ago my best friend cut me out after an argument (albeit my fault, I snapped).

There's quite a bit of backstory to our very intense friendship so I'll try and be as concise as possible.

I first met this friend 3 years ago in work. I was outgoing and happy, always organising social events, inviting her to drinks, just pretty much the life and soul of the workplace. That's not to say I didn't have my own issues - people pleaser, fixer, etc (pretty sure my father is a Narc). This girl was new to the country, incredibly shy and reserved and didn't really seem to be very happy, just very very quiet, didn't speak much. She seemed sweet enough and I thought I could make her feel good. I've always been a natural fixer and care-giver and I instantly swept in and thought I could make her feel better, feel welcome and not lonely.

I was really surprised that someone like her would move across the world. She told me that she'd come here because she'd 'run away' from her ex boyfriend because she'd be married with children by now if she'd stayed. She told me that she broke up with her bf over Skype after being here 1 month.

She lived with several other girls from her country but always made out like she didn't enjoy their company, how she didn't like the person she was when she was with them (parties, drinking, sleeping around). The group of girls loved drama and constantly ___ed about each other and played games from what I could see. Someone was always the target and the rest would ___ about them. It was exhausting and I remember thinking I couldn't live like that. I put in all the effort to be her friend but she was very receptive. She loved spending time with me, said that she'd never had a friend like me before and how much she loved me. She was very tactile initially. I was always boosting her, supporting her, making her feel important, good about herself and loved (which in turn made me feel good). At the start our friendship didn't feel too one-sided. She told me that she felt the friends she lived with were jealous of her - one in particular was very jealous because a guy they were friends with was in love with her and not the friend. She told me that the friend assaulted her one night after she confronted her about it. I remember being so shocked that this girl I'd met had assaulted my friend.

She also told me about other friends who were jealous of her looks. She used to comment that she'd be so pretty if she had a different nose. I clearly fed this ego and told her how beautiful she was, that he nose was cute and not to even think about a nose job. She liked to say that everyone thought that she looked like Taylor Swift (only similarity was blonde hair) and was constantly pinning wedding things on Pinterest (baring in mind she wasn't dating). She would slate her best friend from home (that I've never met) and tell me that I was the best friend she'd ever had, that she'd never been able to spend this much time with somebody before.

We formed what I thought was a very strong bond and she told me about her family's mental health problems - Dad would often give them the silent treatment growing up and leave for weeks on end and return and act as if nothing had happened - and still does it to this day. Mum is very controlling and lives her life through her, aunt is schizophrenic and younger sister is extreme bi-polar. She said that up until she was 5 she thought her name was "Princess" because her mum placed her on this pedestal and worshipped her and made her feel so special.

She started getting a little possessive. She didn't like it that other friends of hers had started messaging me independently of her, inviting me to things. One time, I was at a party she held and a friend of a friend put his arm around me and said to everyone that he thought he was in love with me - to which she turned around, pulled me away from him and yelled, "No! She's mine! We're together!" I didn't think too much of it at the time. I liked it tbh.

After about 9 months of friendship I let one of the other girls in work move in with me because she was having trouble with her boyfriend. She was at her wits end and broke so I said she could stay. She was staying in with me, sleeping in my bed with me, until she could find somewhere to live. Clearly, I have MUG written on my head. I soon became aware that my friend was (I think this is using it in the correct term) triangulating me with this work colleague who was staying with me. I found out that they were texting one another about me, bad-mouthing me, calling me a liar, fake and a number of other awfully hurtful insults - all the while the one was living with me. I'd noticed my friend was being distant but she denied it. Then when I saw the texts one day on the other friend's phone, I was heartbroken. I text my friend and asked her to meet after work the next day. I calmly told her that I knew about the texting and that I couldn't understand how she could say all of these things about me, considering what good friends we were and that she and the other colleague weren't even friends, how I thought we were. She apologised, asked me to forgive her and blamed the other girl, saying she'd manipulated her into believing terrible things about me, she'd manipulated messages, etc.I'm kicking myself now for not cutting all ties then. She and the work colleague stopped texting after that and they didn't speak again. I was happy about it - I didn't want the other girl in my life so much, although I was still pleasant to her in work. I was friendly but pleasant hellos was as far as it went. I'd felt betrayed that she could have done that whilst living in my house with me rent free. I believed my friend when she pointed the finger at the other girl. I forgave her because I wanted her in my life and carried on being the friend I always had been - supporting her, worshipping her, loving her, looking after her when she was sick, etc.

She went back home for the summer ('15) and came back and was looking for places to live. She didn't want to live with the girls from her home country anymore so was looking for places to live near me. She'd booked some viewings but she couldn't find anywhere that she liked when she viewed them so I suggested that she could sub-let a room in my house from one of the boys I lived with who was never there. That was that and she moved in with me that day.

At the start of our friendship I was always the social one in work (she was the wallflower) and I was always organising work drinks and social occasions. Pretty soon after her moving in with me, we stopped going to work drinks. She usually didn't want to go. Instead of letting her go home alone, I would walk home with her too and we'd do our own thing. If we ever did go she would text me in the pub after one drink asking could we go, which were always did. Other friends became frustrated and I lost a few friends in work because they thought I was changing for her. One good friend told me he couldn't be around me anymore because he hated her so much. Others told me I didn't seem as happy any more - which I couldn't see at the time. My family also said the same thing, that she was sucking the life out of me and isolating me from friends. They all told me I was changing for her. I felt confused because I thought I was happy, she was my best friend, I loved her, so I ignored them. I told them that she was different with me, and not rude and quiet and boring (what they all used to say about her). When it was just us, she was funny, sarcastic and talkative. I stopped playing sports for two teams because of the time commitment - because I didn't want her to be on her own for several nights a week or for a day on the weekend. I felt such a tremendous amount of pressure being her only friend/family in the country. But I loved her so I tried my best to make her feel good, put her first and made everything about her. I'm clearly a codependent. 

Soon, the girls from her home country stopped inviting her to social things with them, which upset her a great deal. She would see pictures of them on social media and get upset that she wasn't being invited anymore. She made me feel like the reason was me. She told me that they must have just assumed that she was busy with me and that that's why she wasn't getting invited to things anymore. I apologised and said that if I was the reason then that was silly, that I was always nice to them and invited them all to things and that she'd been over to see them without me. She didn't stop me worrying that I was the reason. I asked her if there'd been a falling out and she assured me that no, there was no fall out but the last time she saw them she made it clear that she wasn't excited to be there and spent the afternoon talking to their boyfriends instead of them.

I was invited out to dinner by a mutual friend who asked me not to bring my friend because she didn't particularly like her and wanted to spend time with just me. She told me that she thought it was a mistake living together, that she was controlling me and I didn't seem as happy anymore and she was isolating and manipulating me. I pretty much ignored this advice because, I didn't want to hear it, I thought I knew better, and thought she didn't know either of us that well. I went home (as soon as I could) because I knew she'd be on her own and when I did get home she was on her bed in tears. I was heartbroken to see her cry, it killed me. She told me that she was crying about falling out with the girls from her country because she didn't know why they'd cut her out. I comforted her, told her that they were clearly jealous of her and that she didn't need fake friends, she had me. I do remember thinking at the time that I wasn't sure if this was manipulating me.

Everything I did, she came to. Every friend I met up with, every family member, every coffee, every function or meal, she came to. She and I lived together, worked together and travelled together during every holiday, just us. She even came to my family for Xmas last year.

It was after that Xmas that I heard her bad-mouthing me on the phone to her sister, saying I'd been too generous at Xmas and that I'd made her feel uncomfortable, that when she finally left to go home she wouldn't miss me that much. I was gutted to hear this conversation, but decided to say nothing. I just ignored it and carried on as normal. I tried to be cross with her but I couldn't. I loved her. She'd text her friends from home in our mutual what'sapp group about meeting up and they didn't respond. They then pretty quickly started leaving the group. That was the last she heard from them. She unfollowed them on social media and so did I, out of some misguided sense of loyalty.

She dyed her hair to match mine - she'd always been a blonde her whole life and suddenly she wanted to be a brunette. She was buying clothes and shoes that I had. She became interested in art because she knew how much I loved it. She would start listening to the same music I did too. People would comment that she was starting to look like me and said she was following me around.

Our friendship was slowly becoming more and more one-sided - it was a slow erosion. She stopped being very tactile, she stopped telling me anything nice. Our friendship consisted of me doing all the supporting, all the giving, forgiving and making all the sacrifices and always putting her first. But nothing was good enough. She wasn't particularly grateful for anything I did - she just seemed to expect everything - and didn't seem to appreciate me at all. Her birthday was coming up and I was worried about her being upset because I would have been her only friend in the country (even though she'd been living here for 3 years at the time). I didn't want her feeling unloved and lonely so I booked a weekend in Norway (where she'd always wanted to go) as a surprise. I paid for flights, hotels, present, everything. She and I went to Norway after work on Friday and she seemed happy. She was happy to be away for the weekend but didn't really say thank you - not that that's what it's about.

Her younger sister came on holiday with us for a week in Poland and she was without doubt the rudest person I've ever met. Suddenly, my friend was doing everything she could to please her sister. It was a side I'd never seen to her before - I'd never seen her put someone before her.  Her sister was rude non-stop and gave us the silent treatment for hours at a time. My friend told me that she was worried she was spending too much time with her father, that she was noticing his behaviour in her. She told me her sister loved money - and during that week we spent with her on holiday my friend used our joint money to pay for everything. We'd been on so many holidays, just the two of us, that we'd started taking out an equal amount of money and pooling it in one wallet. So on this holiday the three of us went but only my friend and I took out money. Her sister didn't pay for a thing all holiday, not one single thing. It did annoy me that I was expected to pay for her sister but I said nothing, reminded myself that I love my friend and that she was more important than money. Conversely, she would let me pay for everything when it was just us. If we were with my family, my sisters, she'd sit back and let everyone else pay.

Her mum and sister came over two months later and they stayed in my room (with the en suite) and I stayed in with my friend. I was generous, giving, kind and everything I usually am. I wanted them to like me. Again, I noticed how my friend changed to please them. They walked all over her and were rude to her but she just kept coming back for more. Her mum was even rude to me one day - snapping at me when I'd offered to drive her closer to the door (she needed a hip replacement) - she snapped at me, saying that she was perfectly capable of walking. I said nothing, again, because I reminded myself that I loved my friend and that she was more important to me. My friend apologised and I told her not to worry, that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her.

At the end of the holiday with her family, I decided to give them some space and met up with two friends for a drink. When I returned home, they were all up in my room (where the mum was staying) bad-mouthing me for being too generous. They didn't realise I was in but they were turning all of my goof qualities into negatives. It was really upsetting. I sat downstairs and said nothing and when my friend came down it was clear that I'd heard. We didn't argue but I did tell her a few home truths - that I was upset that she was continually bad-mouthing me when I didn't deserve it, that was the last thing I'd ever do to her. I asked her if she knew what loyalty was because if you're friends with someone that's not what you do. I told her it also made me feel uncomfortable when she'd bad-mouth her friend from home (her long-standing best friend she'd told me about). I said that kindness, loyalty and trust are the key foundation stones for me in any friendship. I remember saying to her that I clearly cared about her more than she cared about me - and she replied no, I care about you just as much as you care about me, I'm just different. You're good at showing it. You have friends who love you and show you they care about you. I'm not a good friend." I told her that I didn't feel she had the same capacity to love people that I do.  She cried and agreed to try and be better. She insisted "I won't do it anymore!"

Towards the autumn she slowly became more and more reclusive and depressive. Her mum manipulated her into going home for Xmas (just gone). She guilt-tripped her (her words) saying she had enough money to travel around Europe but not enough to go home. Her mum also purposely told her the wrong date of the hip operation so that when she innocently text her asking how she was, she replied saying that she was fine and in recovery. My friend cried and said that her mum has purposely done that to make her feel bad about not being at home. Her family all wanted her home. They didn't understand why she was still living in Europe. My friend told th

[Seb86]

I'm hoping someone can help me make sense of the hell and emotional turmoil I'm currently in. I've had a relationship with a p/wBPD before so not sure if this is the same or different. I think this is more covert NPD?

A few weeks ago my best friend cut me out after an argument (albeit my fault, I snapped).

There's quite a bit of backstory to our very intense friendship so I'll try and be as concise as possible.

I first met this friend 3 years ago in work. I was outgoing and happy, always organising social events, inviting her to drinks, just pretty much the life and soul of the workplace. That's not to say I didn't have my own issues - people pleaser, fixer, etc (pretty sure my father is a Narc). This girl was new to the country, incredibly shy and reserved and didn't really seem to be very happy, just very very quiet, didn't speak much. She seemed sweet enough and I thought I could make her feel good. I've always been a natural fixer and care-giver and I instantly swept in and thought I could make her feel better, feel welcome and not lonely.

I was really surprised that someone like her would move across the world. She told me that she'd come here because she'd 'run away' from her ex boyfriend because she'd be married with children by now if she'd stayed. She told me that she broke up with her bf over Skype after being here 1 month.

She lived with several other girls from her country but always made out like she didn't enjoy their company, how she didn't like the person she was when she was with them (parties, drinking, sleeping around). The group of girls loved drama and constantly ___ed about each other and played games from what I could see. Someone was always the target and the rest would ___ about them. It was exhausting and I remember thinking I couldn't live like that. I put in all the effort to be her friend but she was very receptive. She loved spending time with me, said that she'd never had a friend like me before and how much she loved me. She was very tactile initially. I was always boosting her, supporting her, making her feel important, good about herself and loved (which in turn made me feel good). At the start our friendship didn't feel too one-sided. She told me that she felt the friends she lived with were jealous of her - one in particular was very jealous because a guy they were friends with was in love with her and not the friend. She told me that the friend assaulted her one night after she confronted her about it. I remember being so shocked that this girl I'd met had assaulted my friend.

She also told me about other friends who were jealous of her looks. She used to comment that she'd be so pretty if she had a different nose. I clearly fed this ego and told her how beautiful she was, that he nose was cute and not to even think about a nose job. She liked to say that everyone thought that she looked like Taylor Swift (only similarity was blonde hair) and was constantly pinning wedding things on Pinterest (baring in mind she wasn't dating). She would slate her best friend from home (that I've never met) and tell me that I was the best friend she'd ever had, that she'd never been able to spend this much time with somebody before.

We formed what I thought was a very strong bond and she told me about her family's mental health problems - Dad would often give them the silent treatment growing up and leave for weeks on end and return and act as if nothing had happened - and still does it to this day. Mum is very controlling and lives her life through her, aunt is schizophrenic and younger sister is extreme bi-polar. She said that up until she was 5 she thought her name was "Princess" because her mum placed her on this pedestal and worshipped her and made her feel so special.

She started getting a little possessive. She didn't like it that other friends of hers had started messaging me independently of her, inviting me to things. One time, I was at a party she held and a friend of a friend put his arm around me and said to everyone that he thought he was in love with me - to which she turned around, pulled me away from him and yelled, "No! She's mine! We're together!" I didn't think too much of it at the time. I liked it tbh.

After about 9 months of friendship I let one of the other girls in work move in with me because she was having trouble with her boyfriend. She was at her wits end and broke so I said she could stay. She was staying in with me, sleeping in my bed with me, until she could find somewhere to live. Clearly, I have MUG written on my head. I soon became aware that my friend was (I think this is using it in the correct term) triangulating me with this work colleague who was staying with me. I found out that they were texting one another about me, bad-mouthing me, calling me a liar, fake and a number of other awfully hurtful insults - all the while the one was living with me. I'd noticed my friend was being distant but she denied it. Then when I saw the texts one day on the other friend's phone, I was heartbroken. I text my friend and asked her to meet after work the next day. I calmly told her that I knew about the texting and that I couldn't understand how she could say all of these things about me, considering what good friends we were and that she and the other colleague weren't even friends, how I thought we were. She apologised, asked me to forgive her and blamed the other girl, saying she'd manipulated her into believing terrible things about me, she'd manipulated messages, etc.I'm kicking myself now for not cutting all ties then. She and the work colleague stopped texting after that and they didn't speak again. I was happy about it - I didn't want the other girl in my life so much, although I was still pleasant to her in work. I was friendly but pleasant hellos was as far as it went. I'd felt betrayed that she could have done that whilst living in my house with me rent free. I believed my friend when she pointed the finger at the other girl. I forgave her because I wanted her in my life and carried on being the friend I always had been - supporting her, worshipping her, loving her, looking after her when she was sick, etc.

She went back home for the summer ('15) and came back and was looking for places to live. She didn't want to live with the girls from her home country anymore so was looking for places to live near me. She'd booked some viewings but she couldn't find anywhere that she liked when she viewed them so I suggested that she could sub-let a room in my house from one of the boys I lived with who was never there. That was that and she moved in with me that day.

At the start of our friendship I was always the social one in work (she was the wallflower) and I was always organising work drinks and social occasions. Pretty soon after her moving in with me, we stopped going to work drinks. She usually didn't want to go. Instead of letting her go home alone, I would walk home with her too and we'd do our own thing. If we ever did go she would text me in the pub after one drink asking could we go, which were always did. Other friends became frustrated and I lost a few friends in work because they thought I was changing for her. One good friend told me he couldn't be around me anymore because he hated her so much. Others told me I didn't seem as happy any more - which I couldn't see at the time. My family also said the same thing, that she was sucking the life out of me and isolating me from friends. They all told me I was changing for her. I felt confused because I thought I was happy, she was my best friend, I loved her, so I ignored them. I told them that she was different with me, and not rude and quiet and boring (what they all used to say about her). When it was just us, she was funny, sarcastic and talkative. I stopped playing sports for two teams because of the time commitment - because I didn't want her to be on her own for several nights a week or for a day on the weekend. I felt such a tremendous amount of pressure being her only friend/family in the country. But I loved her so I tried my best to make her feel good, put her first and made everything about her. I'm clearly a codependent. 

Soon, the girls from her home country stopped inviting her to social things with them, which upset her a great deal. She would see pictures of them on social media and get upset that she wasn't being invited anymore. She made me feel like the reason was me. She told me that they must have just assumed that she was busy with me and that that's why she wasn't getting invited to things anymore. I apologised and said that if I was the reason then that was silly, that I was always nice to them and invited them all to things and that she'd been over to see them without me. She didn't stop me worrying that I was the reason. I asked her if there'd been a falling out and she assured me that no, there was no fall out but the last time she saw them she made it clear that she wasn't excited to be there and spent the afternoon talking to their boyfriends instead of them.

I was invited out to dinner by a mutual friend who asked me not to bring my friend because she didn't particularly like her and wanted to spend time with just me. She told me that she thought it was a mistake living together, that she was controlling me and I didn't seem as happy anymore and she was isolating and manipulating me. I pretty much ignored this advice because, I didn't want to hear it, I thought I knew better, and thought she didn't know either of us that well. I went home (as soon as I could) because I knew she'd be on her own and when I did get home she was on her bed in tears. I was heartbroken to see her cry, it killed me. She told me that she was crying about falling out with the girls from her country because she didn't know why they'd cut her out. I comforted her, told her that they were clearly jealous of her and that she didn't need fake friends, she had me. I do remember thinking at the time that I wasn't sure if this was manipulating me.

Everything I did, she came to. Every friend I met up with, every family member, every coffee, every function or meal, she came to. She and I lived together, worked together and travelled together during every holiday, just us. She even came to my family for Xmas last year.

It was after that Xmas that I heard her bad-mouthing me on the phone to her sister, saying I'd been too generous at Xmas and that I'd made her feel uncomfortable, that when she finally left to go home she wouldn't miss me that much. I was gutted to hear this conversation, but decided to say nothing. I just ignored it and carried on as normal. I tried to be cross with her but I couldn't. I loved her. She'd text her friends from home in our mutual what'sapp group about meeting up and they didn't respond. They then pretty quickly started leaving the group. That was the last she heard from them. She unfollowed them on social media and so did I, out of some misguided sense of loyalty.

She dyed her hair to match mine - she'd always been a blonde her whole life and suddenly she wanted to be a brunette. She was buying clothes and shoes that I had. She became interested in art because she knew how much I loved it. She would start listening to the same music I did too. People would comment that she was starting to look like me and said she was following me around.

Our friendship was slowly becoming more and more one-sided - it was a slow erosion. She stopped being very tactile, she stopped telling me anything nice. Our friendship consisted of me doing all the supporting, all the giving, forgiving and making all the sacrifices and always putting her first. But nothing was good enough. She wasn't particularly grateful for anything I did - she just seemed to expect everything - and didn't seem to appreciate me at all. Her birthday was coming up and I was worried about her being upset because I would have been her only friend in the country (even though she'd been living here for 3 years at the time). I didn't want her feeling unloved and lonely so I booked a weekend in Norway (where she'd always wanted to go) as a surprise. I paid for flights, hotels, present, everything. She and I went to Norway after work on Friday and she seemed happy. She was happy to be away for the weekend but didn't really say thank you - not that that's what it's about.

Her younger sister came on holiday with us for a week in Poland and she was without doubt the rudest person I've ever met. Suddenly, my friend was doing everything she could to please her sister. It was a side I'd never seen to her before - I'd never seen her put someone before her.  Her sister was rude non-stop and gave us the silent treatment for hours at a time. My friend told me that she was worried she was spending too much time with her father, that she was noticing his behaviour in her. She told me her sister loved money - and during that week we spent with her on holiday my friend used our joint money to pay for everything. We'd been on so many holidays, just the two of us, that we'd started taking out an equal amount of money and pooling it in one wallet. So on this holiday the three of us went but only my friend and I took out money. Her sister didn't pay for a thing all holiday, not one single thing. It did annoy me that I was expected to pay for her sister but I said nothing, reminded myself that I love my friend and that she was more important than money. Conversely, she would let me pay for everything when it was just us. If we were with my family, my sisters, she'd sit back and let everyone else pay.

Her mum and sister came over two months later and they stayed in my room (with the en suite) and I stayed in with my friend. I was generous, giving, kind and everything I usually am. I wanted them to like me. Again, I noticed how my friend changed to please them. They walked all over her and were rude to her but she just kept coming back for more. Her mum was even rude to me one day - snapping at me when I'd offered to drive her closer to the door (she needed a hip replacement) - she snapped at me, saying that she was perfectly capable of walking. I said nothing, again, because I reminded myself that I loved my friend and that she was more important to me. My friend apologised and I told her not to worry, that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her.

At the end of the holiday with her family, I decided to give them some space and met up with two friends for a drink. When I returned home, they were all up in my room (where the mum was staying) bad-mouthing me for being too generous. They didn't realise I was in but they were turning all of my goof qualities into negatives. It was really upsetting. I sat downstairs and said nothing and when my friend came down it was clear that I'd heard. We didn't argue but I did tell her a few home truths - that I was upset that she was continually bad-mouthing me when I didn't deserve it, that was the last thing I'd ever do to her. I asked her if she knew what loyalty was because if you're friends with someone that's not what you do. I told her it also made me feel uncomfortable when she'd bad-mouth her friend from home (her long-standing best friend she'd told me about). I said that kindness, loyalty and trust are the key foundation stones for me in any friendship. I remember saying to her that I clearly cared about her more than she cared about me - and she replied no, I care about you just as much as you care about me, I'm just different. You're good at showing it. You have friends who love you and show you they care about you. I'm not a good friend." I told her that I didn't feel she had the same capacity to love people that I do.  She cried and agreed to try and be better. She insisted "I won't do it anymore!"

Towards the autumn she slowly became more and more reclusive and depressive. Her mum manipulated her into going home for Xmas (just gone). She guilt-tripped her (her words) saying she had enough money to travel around Europe but not enough to go home. Her mum also purposely told her the wrong date of the hip operation so that when she innocently text her asking how she was, she replied saying that she was fine and in recovery. My friend cried and said that her mum has purposely done that to make her feel bad about not being at home. Her family all wanted her home. They didn't understand why she was still living in Europe. My friend told th

[Seb86]

My friend told them that I was the reason she was still here. She then told all my family and friends that she loved being here and was going to apply for citizenship and stay here. She and I were going to move out of the house we were in and get our own place. The two guys we lived with said that they didn't like her and couldn't live with her anymore, that she made no effort and was rude. We were sick of the parties so we agreed we'd move out of the house by the end of the lease on Jan31st. The one guy in particular and her didn't like each other. There was no love lost between her and the one housemate. They said they wanted me to stay just not her. I said not to tell her that (I didn't want to hurt her feelings) so I said we were looking at moving out anyway. We did some viewings but nothing caught our eye in December.

She went home for Xmas (just gone) for two weeks. She came back on NYE a completely different person. I left my friends and family on NYE to pick her up from the airport to spend it with her so that she wouldn't be on her own. Everyone tried to tell me to stay, not to leave, but I wouldn't listen. I didn't want her being on her own. So it was such a shock to see the person that came back.
She was crying to the point of being sick, she was homesick and she told me that was going to move home. I was really shocked to hear this. I said that she'd changed her mind very suddenly, that I thought she was getting citizenship. She said that she'd been feeling it for a while and that she'd made up her mind. I was really upset and felt rejected - I was her only friend, her family, her support system wrapped up into one... .and I wasn't enough. I tried and tried, I sacrificed my own time, my own wants and needs to put her first, to make her feel loved, but it wasn't enough. I said I understand - lets just make the most of the next 6 months. It would be hard to say goodbye but let's have a brilliant 6 months. I said we can still be mates, meet up, go on holidays.

Over the next two weeks she and I were arguing a lot. I felt upset, that she was pushing me away and keeping me at arms length. She was acting so differently and treating me like I was a stranger. I felt so frustrated that every effort I made was met with rejection and silence and tears. Her brother and his gf were moving over to live for two years - so she asked if we could all live together. I didn't particularly want to but I knew it would make her happy, especially if she was feeling homesick. So, the older brother and gf moved over on the Friday in the middle of January. She told the guys we lived with the day before they arrived that her brother and gf were going to stay. I remember thinking how she'd told them was really rude - that she should have asked if it was ok and given them plenty of warning, but she didn't. I was really embarrassed about the way she told them.


I let the brother and gf stay in my room again - so that they could have the en suite and not annoy the boys by sharing a bathroom. We went to some viewings for the 4 of us but nothing was any good. I said what a pity there wasn't a space in the house we were in because we loved the house so much. She then said that what if we got rid of the one guy (the one she hated). She said we could tell the landlord what a nightmare roommate he was, which was true, he was a total nightmare (drugs, leaving the door open, the gas burning all night, upsetting the neighbours). On the Tuesday she went next door and got the neighbours to email the landlord asking the one guy to leave. She put this plan in action to get him kicked out of the house so that her brother and gf could have his room. I felt uneasy about this and a huge amount of guilt and told her about that as we went to bed.

The next day, we were walking to work and I was feeling frustrated and picked a fight with her. It was all my fault. I just bottled it all up until I exploded. I was really cross - it was the first time I'd ever lost my temper with her. I was upset and just let her have it, how selfish she was, that she wasn't the only person in the world and to think about other people for a change. I said I wanted her, the brother and the gf out of the house. I walked out of her room, picked up some printing, and by the time I got back (literally 2 minutes later) she was done with me. She was cold, cut off and not listening to my apologies. I apologised, admitted that I'd picked a fight, felt frustrated and was out of order. I took all the blame and asked for her to forgive me. She said she'd think about it. I was kicking myself for reacting and wished I'd said nothing. It was the first time I'd lost my temper. I'm usually very calm, forgiving and understanding.

The next thing I know, it's 3pm and she sent me a text saying "I've moved out of the house. Please don't contact me". With that I was deleted and blocked from all social media (fb, Instagram, snapchat, what'sapp), and my phone number was blocked. She'd even deleted and blocked everyone she met through me (50 people), her family all deleted and blocked me and she changed her phone number. She'd moved out to live with her brother, who had been in the country for 5 days. I felt totally used. I was her only support, literally her only friend for years and then I get ditched when she didn't need me anymore.  I was distraught- I tried calling her but she blocked me. A friend from work text her saying I was distraught and please could she contact me - she simply replied 'no'.

She wasn't in work for the remaining two days of the working week. As much as I didn't want to go in, I did - I was barely eating or sleeping. Then, two days after our argument, I was called in by my boss and told that would be my last day - despite being a senior manager, more senior than her - and that I would be moving to another location with immediate effect and taking a huge demotion. I had only ever done extremely well in work so none of it made sense. I asked if it was about my friend but my boss said no. I'd won a big award in work a few months earlier that I didn't tell her about because I was worried she'd be unhappy/jealous/wouldn't be happy for me/wondering why she didn't get one.  She was back in work on the Monday and has apparently, been dragging my name through the mud since. I don't know what she's been saying or what she said to my boss to get me moved/ruin my career. She made our fall out incredibly public - which was not what I wanted at all. I felt embarrassed that everyone knew. I've always been really private about stuff like that. I grew up in a war zone so I'm used to hiding stuff behind closed doors.

A week later I sent her a simple sorry card to work, asking her to forgive me and how sorry I was, but she ignored it.

I bumped into her a few weeks later at a train station (about a week ago) and she was totally cold and emotionless. I asked her if we could talk - the lack of closure, the suddenness, the extreme reaction to one argument, the one time I messed up could she forgive me. She didn't care. She was cold, showed absolutely no empathy and seemed totally devoid of any feeling. Her eyes seemed soulless. She could see how upset I was, how distraught I was, how much weight I'd lost, how my life has changed dramatically and career are being jeopardised - she couldn't have cared less. I apologised again, said I wanted to be friends, that I loved her. But she didn't care. In fact, she told me she was happier without me, how everyone in work has been commenting that she seems a weight has been lifted off her shoulders now. I apologised, took all the blame and she left me with, "I hope you get the help you need."  I left feeling like I was this monster, who needs professional help, wondering why I was taking all the blame after only ever putting her first. The injustice of her being in work, playing the victim has really upset me.

She has since re-friended all the girls from her home country again (not sure how they'll react to that) and rekindled her 'friendship' (or lack of) with the colleague that was texting about me. So all the people that she stopped speaking to during our friendship. It's like she's trying to send me the message that she feels I stopped her from seeing them.

I'm just left feeling incredibly, incredibly low, like I don't have a clue what went on, how and why she could just discard me so cruelly, after everything I'd done for her - all the love, support and true friendship I'd shown her. I've been fighting back tears on a daily basis, not sleeping and still not eating well. I'm heartbroken by this whole experience and feel a shell of the person that I was before I met her. I feel like she stripped me of any happiness, drained me, bled me dry and ditched me when I wasn't any use to her anymore. And not content with that, she seems determined to muddy my name.

The way she's just ditched me and moved on (or back) to old enemies is nonsensical to me - which has led me here. A chat to other friends, piecing together some clues, has led me to think NPD, rather than BPD. She seemed so quiet and shy and needed a friend when we met - a world away from the cruel, cold stranger that stood in front of me last week. Any thoughts would be hugely appreciated.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Seb

Welcome to BPD Family   

Sorry to hear what you are going through.  I can't diagnose anyone as BP or NP but it certainly sounds like there are some intense feelings going on here that are unresolved.  Perhaps it is the case and perhaps not. 

Sounds like this all occurred recently.  Have you considered giving a period of time and then contacting her?  You could read a couple of articles from this site about how to improve communications with her before trying.

[Mutt]

Hi Seb86,



I'd like to welcome you to BPDFAMILY. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time  i'm glad that you found us, you're not alone. Many of us here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

I think that if she's BPD she's the quiet type that keeps the anger turned inward unlike some pwBPD that have their anger directed at others. Her mom may of been BPD with how she was putting her up on a pedestal, I can see how your friend is self absorbed but she doesn't give me the impression that she had a grandiose sense of self or attention seeking.

A pwBPD have a difficult time seeing people as an integrated whole and see you as either all good or all bad, good people have a bad qualities and bad people have good qualities, it sounds like she had her friends split black and now they're split white while you're split black. Granted, splitting occurs with both pwBPD and pwNPD. What do you think?

Have you talked to an MD or GP about your loss of sleep and loss of appetite?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Seb86

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through with you ex.   Sounds like a lot of pain and consequences.  It has to be devastating to have your relationship end and then to have her launch a smear campaign against you and for you to get a demotion at work. 

It's good to journal and share your experience.  It helps to work through your emotions. 

Perhaps you might want to check out the criteria for both NPD and BPD, and see what you think fits (NPD, BPD or maybe a little of both).  The criteria for NPD appears in the quote below.  After the quote about NPD, you will find links to the DSM definitions for both NPD and BPD.

DSM Definition: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
• Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
• Requires excessive admiration.
• Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).
• Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
• Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

DSM Definition: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
https://bpdfamily.com/content/narcissistic-personality-disorder
Borderline Personality - Symptoms & Diagnostics
https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-symptoms-diagnostics

It sounds like there was a lot of dysfunction in the relationship.  You can't count on anyone changing, so what you see is what you get.  Was this woman someone you could have seen yourself married to?  Considering her family history of mental illness, would you have wanted to have children with her?  Could you see her nurturing children in a healthy manner?

You might not be ready to look at information about enmeshment and codependency, but perhaps it is something to consider.  The quote below is from Workshop
Topic: 1.23 | Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence

WE TEACH OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US
In order for codependence to be part of any relationship, two things have to happen ~ the people-pleaser has to say yes a lot more often than no, and the other person has to not only accept this but also begin to expect it in the relationship. Once that dynamic is in place, it is difficult to break the cycle.

When you say yes consistently to another person, and when you accept any form of abuse as part of any of your relationships, you are essentially teaching the other people that it is all right for them to treat you that way. Although you might not be aware of it, you actually do have as much power and control as the other person does, because all of us can really only control ourselves.

It is only when you choose to give your power and control to another person that you begin to feel the sting of codependency, because the truth is that no one can disrespect you without your permission.

When we have a breakup, there can be a lot of pain to work through.  We can, also,  look at it as an opportunity to learn something about our self and to grow and improve.  You can find the entire workshop at the link above, when you are ready.

[Moselle]

Seb86,

It's a very tough thing that you describe. I can empathise with the confusion between covert Narcissism and BPD. So sorry you had to go through this. On the other hand, there can be a lot of learning and discovery from an experience like this

These disorders are so confusing and the definitions are changing as more research is done.

With cluster B disorders, there is a continuum of traits rather that a black and white definition. So there may be co-morbid combinations between all of them.

What's clear from your story is that you are a source of supply for your friend. Maybe you should listen to people who are observing you having changed.

These personalities have a way of attaching to us and taking our energy. I suggest you have a look at the detaching guidelines to the right. Where do you think know you are?

It may not feel like it, but supplying someone like this is a choice. We don't have to if we choose not to.