I lost it and am disappointed in myself and frustrated

[WitzEndWife]

So, last night, my HwBPD was going through a bout of depression. We live with my parents and drive to work together. He snapped at me in the car and I asked him what was wrong, and, after saying "Nothing" for five minutes, he finally admitted to feeling depressed. His depressed persona definitely gets under my skin because it's this whole, "Poor me, I'm worthless" drama, which usually kicks off a few days of pathetic behavior, often leaving him bedridden and unshowered for days.

We got home and my mother had made dinner. She made vegetables and pasta specially for him because he is vegan. He ate a paltry few spoonfuls and then left the table and disappeared into the other room for hours.

When I finally went to bed, he came in, fretting and complaining about how my mother overcooked the vegetables. He went on and on and on. This is not the first time he has complained about her and her cooking. He often sees my parents as the enemy, either because they "take away" some of my love and attention, or because he has his own abandonment trauma from his childhood.

I flashed with anger. I told him, " I don't want to hear it anymore." He said that he didn't care, and then said that he felt stifled because he couldn't complain. I tried to compose myself and told him that he was allowed to complain, but that I was sick of him complaining to me about my parents. He was relentless, and, even through this conversation, was still complaining about her cooking. I got mad again.

I said, "She's trying to be nice to you." And he said, "Is she though? Then why won't she cook vegetables the way I like them?" I told him that maybe her perception of her cooking them wasn't aligned with his. I told him that I would just tell her not to cook dinner for us anymore, and that I would cook. He said, "No, I don't want that." I told him that I would order out. "No, then we won't have any money." I got mad again.

"It sounds like you just want to complain," I said. "Nothing she ever does is right. You just want to be angry with her." He said, "No, I'm sad to see food go to waste, all of that broccoli... ." I said, "Oh, please. This isn't about wasting food. You HATE her and you don't want to be a family with my family!" I could feel my cheeks flaming. He said, "That's NOT it! It's just that... .it doesn't matter what people say their intentions are. Here I just feel useless, not needed, and misunderstood. You know where I feel needed? [his mother's address in Canada]." I said, "Sounds like you've made up your mind then. You're unhappy here and there's nothing we can do to accommodate you." He said, "I never said that! I told you what I needed! If you would stop babbling like an idiot and listen for once, maybe you'd know!" I flamed. "Oh, I'm an idiot then? Yeah, we're all just morons, plebs, incompetents, in your eyes! We just aren't capable of doing anything!" Him: "Shut up! I'm about THIS close to just getting a hotel room." Through clenched teeth, I said, "Fine, I'm listening. What do you want?" He said, "I just feel uncomfortable here. I just don't understand how a woman who is college educated can be SO clueless. It's the influence of suburbia on her brain." (He looves to blame "suburbia" for all of my parents' perceived flaws as well). He said he wanted us to leave their house. I said, "I'm not leaving until I have some of these debts paid down. I just bought you a $2k computer, as well as took you on a long weekend vacation, and I need to pay that and everything else off before I can think about leaving. I know you HATE my parents and you're unhappy, but I'm not forcing you to stay with me." He said, "Fine then! I guess I'll pack up my stuff and leave tomorrow." I said, "Okay, that's YOUR decision, not mine." He said, "You said you wanted me to leave." I said, "No, I didn't say that. I said that you were free to go if you weren't happy."

Then things paused and cooled for a few minutes. And then he picked back up complaining about my mom's cooking, talking on and on about the fatty oil she used. I was really annoyed. He said, "It doesn't even bother you as much as it does me." I said, "Because I know she's being nice. She doesn't have to cook for us. Eating vegetables with a little oil on them every once in a while won't hurt you." And then he said, "And that's why you're not losing any weight." That was it. That was the one.

As someone who has struggled with eating disorders and body dysmorphia my entire life, and has gained some weight recently, that one wounded me to the core. I melted down and cursed at him, and shouted, "How DARE you shame me?" It made me feel horrible and judged and awful. I raged and cried. He said, "Honestly, I feel like I can't even talk to you anymore because everything just sets you off." I said, "YOU are being cruel!" He gaslighted me, as he usually does, and said, "How come you can't just be normal?" I said, "I am normal, and I'm allowed to be upset when you're cruel to me!" Then he tried to shut down the conversation and go to sleep, pretending like he didn't just set the pot to a boil.

I'm frustrated that I got upset and lost it, and that I didn't handle this thing without getting whipped up. I got about 4 hours of sleep last night and I'm still upset today.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Aurylian]

Ugh.  So sorry to hear about that conversation.   .  My BPDw can be that way as well and it is so frustrating--especially when the projection starts.

One of my tools that I used when things were darkest was to journal such events and follow up with WISHD (What I Should Have Done), then write down a healthy response.  After writing the same WISHD several times it would start to sink in when the behavior came back up.

Could you have taken a time out and taken a walk when you first noticed your anger building?  Don't be hard on yourself.  It is a very difficult task and it took me many iterations before some of my actions became automatic.

[WitzEndWife]

One of my tools that I used when things were darkest was to journal such events and follow up with WISHD (What I Should Have Done), then write down a healthy response.  After writing the same WISHD several times it would start to sink in when the behavior came back up.

Could you have taken a time out and taken a walk when you first noticed your anger building?  Don't be hard on yourself.  It is a very difficult task and it took me many iterations before some of my actions became automatic.

The journal is a great suggestion. I have done that in therapy myself regarding my self esteem issues, and it was really helpful. In this situation, I think my instinct to shut it down was the right thing, but I let him continuing to rant lead me to respond in anger. I could have responded compassionately with, "You sound really frustrated, and I'm sorry you feel that way, but I am really tired from a long day and it upsets me when you complain to me about my mom's cooking. Can we discuss this another time when I feel like I can be a beneficial listener?" It might have upset him still, but I could have set that boundary, and then gone into the other room if he kept ranting.

[Tattered Heart]

Take a deep breath. What happened happened and it can't be taken back. But that's ok. Sometimes we lose our cool. Sometimes we are pushed to the edge and we let loose. Do not beat yourself up. Today is a fresh start.

Cry it out. Look at where things in the conversation started to go wrong and if possible, try to find some way that you could have responded differently that still honors you so next time this comes up, you can be prepared. Then when you are ready, apologize for whatever part you are sorry for, but don't apologize for the things you aren't sorry for.

Are there any boundaries you can begin setting when your H complains about your parents?

[livednlearned]

Complaining about parents/inlaws is a time honored tradition  

Especially living together under one roof. It's hard, you're in a tough spot!

It sounds like the BPD piece to this is that he felt bad, and wanted you to feel the same way. Or, that he was looking for confirmation that you and the world hate him as much as he hates himself. Overcooked vegetables! See? No one likes him.

For him, he got validation that his view of reality is correct. It worked.

Curious what happened for you after he left the table and before you went to bed?

[WitzEndWife]

Are there any boundaries you can begin setting when your H complains about your parents?

Hmm, I'm wondering what that would be. I don't want to be invalidating, but I also don't want to validate his absurd accusations or constant nattering. It feels like setting boundaries is going to be hard with this one, unless I just refuse to hear the complaining altogether. Total question marks here.

[WitzEndWife]

Complaining about parents/inlaws is a time honored tradition  

Especially living together under one roof. It's hard, you're in a tough spot!

It sounds like the BPD piece to this is that he felt bad, and wanted you to feel the same way. Or, that he was looking for confirmation that you and the world hate him as much as he hates himself. Overcooked vegetables! See? No one likes him.

For him, he got validation that his view of reality is correct. It worked.

Curious what happened for you after he left the table and before you went to bed?

He's been needling me to leave because being with them is obviously triggering for him, so this is just another way to project his discomfort.

After he left the table, I sat and talked to my mom for a little while. He had disappeared into the bathroom, something he does for privacy. I didn't see him until I was already in bed and winding down.

[livednlearned]

He's been needling me to leave because being with them is obviously triggering for him, so this is just another way to project his discomfort.

After he left the table, I sat and talked to my mom for a little while. He had disappeared into the bathroom, something he does for privacy. I didn't see him until I was already in bed and winding down.

I wonder if his real issue is exactly what you said earlier:

He often sees my parents as the enemy, either because they "take away" some of my love and attention

Could you check in with him before dinner, give him your undivided attention and lots of validation, and ask him how he's feeling, make light of the overcooked veggies coming his way, tell him you look forward to being with him after you sit down to eat with your family?

Or, let him know the veggie thing is something you want to figure out, how about cooking together one day a week -- even if you don't do it, just letting him know you get that this is an issue.

With my BPD loved one, I try to head her off at the pass like this because the triggers are often firing on all cylinders when it's a situation that involves divided attention in a group where she feels like the odd man out.

[Healthy88]

I don't know that you want to completely shut down communication by saying he isn't allowed to share anything negative about your parents. Maybe a healthier boundary would be that you are willing to discuss anything once to see if a solution can be found, but only once, whether the issue can be resolved or not?

I also agree, you shouldn't beat yourself up. He was relentless and determined for you to feel his anger and frustration. He succeeded and probably felt a lot better. Today is a new day. Try to forgive yourself and start fresh. Maybe take a little time to yourself this weekend to recharge?

[waverider]

I'm frustrated that I got upset and lost it, and that I didn't handle this thing without getting whipped up. I got about 4 hours of sleep last night and I'm still upset today.

You are human and you are allowed human reactions. This wont be the last time you "loose it", learn to accept that and dont beat yourself. The difference is you probably do it less than you use to, you recognise it when you do and recover from it better.

Learn the lesson of identifying the trigger and have a more preconsidered reaction next time... Once you have that covered he will move to a new trigger. That is how the disorder rolls,you will always be playing catch up... So you have to allow yourself a margin for not "getting it right"

If it makes you feel any better I yelled at my pwBPD this morning when she found a new trigger. Been a while since I have lost it, so it was timely reminder my emotions still worked... things recovered pretty quicky once i saw the dynamic.

Its what you do most of the time that defines you.