Help me understand. Is this an abandonment issue?

[Olinda]

My wife has BPD traits.  We've been together six years,  married one and a half.  One issue that never goes away and is triggering is the fact that at night i basically can collapse and fall asleep immediately.  Often,  I'm so tired that it's a struggle to stay up until ten.  But my wife before meeting me would only go to sleep after one am.  She needs a wind-down period of at least half an hour.  She gets upset when I do my bedtime routine in five minutes,  lay down and am basically almost asleep.  Granted she sleeps in 2.5 hours longer in the morning than I do.  She gets upset when I'm unavailable after ten. 

It would be fine with me to have me go to sleep then her come in to the bedroom later when she is ready.  But that is not acceptable. 

Do you think she feels abandoned when I can fall asleep and am unavailable?

Any ideas for how to smooth the transition?  I've tried being very clear that my "off switch" is going to flip in about half an hour.  I've made it clear I'm not rushing her.  What should I do?  The drama every night is just getting to me... .

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[WifeInOz]

Hi there!

  YES! This definitely sounds like an abandonment issue. My husband who is Borderline, demands we are BOTH upstairs at 9PM for bedtime; no phones, no laptops etc. I think its also about control, for I think borderlines always feel the need to be in control for they feel so "out of control" in their head. I dont have any solutions I can think of for you , sorry , but I am here for support!

All the best and I hope someone else has some solutions for you.

[Tattered Heart]

I believe it could be an abandonment issue. My H used to get upset if I went to bed early. I honestly don't remember what I did to get him to see that I wasn't abandoning him. What would happen if you began to prepare her for what time you wanted to go to bed ahead of time? Maybe you could have discussions about what time you need to leave the house in the morning and that means going to bed at a certain time.

Another thought is that when it's time for you to go to bed, what if you asked her to go to sleep with you at the same time? This would tell her that you want her next to you while you sleep and that you are not rejecting her in lieu of bed. It would also put the choice in her court. She would be the one choosing to stay up later or go to bed earlier. If she tells you she has to finish her routine first, then maybe you could say something about you will go on to the bedroom while she finishes. Then ask her to briefly wake you for a good night kiss if you fall asleep before she gets in there.

My husband is also bothered if I want to stay up later than him. He frequently falls asleep on the couch while we are watching TV. I will suggest that he goes to bed so he can be more comfortable. If I want to stay up, he wants to know what time I'm going to bed and what I'll be doing while he is asleep. I'm pretty sure he worries that I'm going to use that time to communicate with other men when I'm actually just reading a book. Most of the time he stays on the couch, but when he does go to the bedroom, he will wake up frequently to come check in on me.