Setting boundaries and comforting during darkest moods

[scobberlotcher]

Hi, new here.

Background: My wife and I got married after a short engagement and have been married just over a year. She disclosed her diagnosis early on in our dating. We started couples therapy shortly after getting married and both see individual counselor. She's working through DBT with her therapist but has yet to join a group. We live in a semi-remote area, she doesn't drive and most of the groups are an hour drive away and way out of our way. I've seen some progress in the time we have been married. My wife's mother (likely un-diagnosed BPD) pushes all her buttons and while my mother in law is far away, that relationship is really tough for my wife. My wife doesn't work, we both realize it would be a mixed blessing at best and I'm OK with her not working. It's a source of angst for her, she feels a lot of societal pressure to be in the workforce. My wife is never physically violent with me and turns most of her venom inward.

I just read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which was really helpful and validating. I found the website via the book. The book really helped me understand my wife a lot better. In truth a lot of it resonated for me from her point of view with her mom (her mom as bp in that context). There were a lot of little things that were helpful to me to understand her a bit better.

I found the chapter on setting limits helpful, but a bit vague. Probably because I myself never had great boundaries. More than how to set boundaries I am looking for what to set as boundaries.

We recently set some boundaries around shopping because compulsive shopping is a coping mechanism for her and it was causing some real problems. Now we add a set amount of money every day to our personal spending limits. She calls it our allowance. She agreed to try out this system, and it's been a success so far. I've noticed she tends to spend all the money she has and doesn't delay gratification well. This way she has money every day and doesn't have to try to save when that's such a terrible struggle for her.

Now I am looking at other boundaries I should be considering. She's very sensitive to my needs, to the point of neglecting herself. I'm a homebody and she gets cabin fever. So unless I suggest going out she will avoid bringing up the subject with the consequence of feeling bad and more risk of a melt-down. When I do suggest it she second guesses me and tries to meet my needs before her own. I'm looking to balance her needs with mine.

My other area of concern right now is the melt-downs. I accept they are a feature of our life together. She's prone to jealousy and splitting which turns into an inner dialog that's really terrible. As an example; recently she heard me say an ex sang well. Because she doesn't sing as well (I do really love it when she sings though) she felt worthless and those worthless feelings reminded her of other reasons she feels worthless, like not working. She ended up in downward spiral. She felt that she didn't deserve me and that I would be better off with someone else. She told me she would help me find somebody that would be better for me. When she is really feeling bad her own intelligence is a liability. She twists things I say and even things from my past before I met her into reasons to hate herself. I've been focusing on empathizing with her feelings and that helps a lot when she is just regular sad or unhappy. I wonder if anyone has good strategies for when things are really bad. I don't want to be her therapist, and at the same time I want to intervene when things are going downhill but I don't know what good approaches look like.

Thanks for reading.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi scobberlotcher ,

It sounds like you are approaching things from a really good place. Boundaries really are the key to keeping things in line. Many of us nons have difficulty in boundaries. It's important to remember that when setting boundaries, you are not putting limits on the other person. That is just control. Instead you are setting boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate, such as how you are treated. For instance, when my H begins to yell at me, I will tell him that I don't like to be yelled at and I'm going to go take a walk until things calm down. He can continue to yell all he wants, I'm just won't be there to listen to it. THere's a REALLY good book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It has helped me understand how to figure out what boundaries to set and what isn't a boundary. Of course, as a couple, the two of you can set boundaries together, such as with the spending. My H and I also get an allowance every 2 weeks. I can make mine last, save it back for larger items, but my H is incapable for saving his. He quickly spends his every week.

The best thing to do when you pwBPD is dysregulating is to validate. LIsten. But don't fix it. It's imortant that they learn their own coping mechanisms when they are having problems. For my H  I ask him questions to try to lead him to the correct response. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. WE have a lot of workshops listed on the right side of the page that can help you navigate through a relationship with a pwBPD. To start with, here is one of our workshops that may help you determine how to support and not enable:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0