Help getting back into her life

[Shedd]

Hey all,

So my BPDexgf has finally put in her two weeks notice at work. I am happy because that means I will be able to get over her sooner without seeing her, but I am also sad because I don't think I will ever see her again.

I am debating saying goodbye.  My last shift with her may be on friday unless I pick up Monday because I'm going on vacation.

I really want her back in my life not as a gf but a friend.  Since we are no contact right now I'm not sure I should say goodbye.  What would you do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

  Shedd

I don't recall if you're NC to protect yourself and heal, or if she instigated it. If it's for you, and you want to say good-bye and then go back to NC, that may not be a bad thing.

If you decide to take that route, then you should do so with zero expectations. The good-bye should be for no other reason than because you want to say it.

Also, it is probably best that you keep it short and simple.

Are you prepared for whatever response that you might receive?

[AustenJ]

Dear Help-

Why do you want her in your life as a friend? Why don't you want her as a girlfriend any longer? Which of you instigated the no contact?

You sound very conflicted in your comment that you want her to leave so you can get over her yet you want to continue to be friends... .

In my experience, it's impossible to be just friends after a romantic relationship... .I don't really want to hear about how she got drunk and had intense, intimate relationships with a bunch of different guys... .if a borderline has discarded you as a lover, I think it's very difficult to maintain a friendship... .you continue to be a trigger for her negative emotions whether you are a lover or just a friend... .my BPDexgf is unable to maintain friendships, let alone significant other relationships... .

I know early on after getting discarded, I would reach out to my ex who I work with under the guise of just being friendly... .but I would always be emotional after each of these encounters as it reminded me the hopes and dreams I had lost... .so I always felt worse after these encounters... .

At this point, I would be ecstatic if my ex quit her job and moved on so I would never have to see her again... .

Think hard about why you want to say goodbye... .sounds like you have already said goodbye by going no contact... .if you are looking for some kind of closure, you may never get it... .

[Meili]

In my experience, it's impossible to be just friends after a romantic relationship... .I don't really want to hear about how she got drunk and had intense, intimate relationships with a bunch of different guys... .

These things are easily mitigated, in a friendship situation, by defining and maintaining boundaries that are healthy for you. If you don't want to hear about her getting drunk and being intimate with others, don't allow the conversation.

By defining and maintaining boundaries, we are in control of what we allow into our lives. I have many friends from whom I don't want to hear stories about their drunken, sexual exploits. I just leave the conversation or change the subject. The same applies with a pwBPD. It's just like any other friendship.