When to leave?

[SettingBorders]

I am struggeling to leave my undiagnosed BPD boyfriend for two months now. We barely talk and we get along better this way. There are no discussions anymore, but neither there is closeness. We're living parallel lifes. It seems we've both resigned. Days go by ... .and nothing happens. Except he's stopped all the abusive behaviour.

I have made my preparations. I couldn't leave immediately due to some security arrangements, but I know the steps I'll have to take.

Doubts araise from time to time as well as fear. Then I am working through it for some hours or days and come to the same conclusion. This needs to be the end.

So, what am I waiting for? A bad argument? To be 100 % certain? For him to leave? Something detaining me from my plans?

What can I do to gain that final courage?

[Lalathegreat]

I really wish that the issues surrounding a BPD breakup could feel obvious, but I am in the middle of a break up myself and if I'm learning anything it's that nothing about any of it is clear or simple.

I hope that browsing these boards and reading the messages from other people in similar situations gives you the sense of being less alone in your struggles. I'm in a great deal of pain today, but the small amount of peace I have found has come from realizing that there are other people who are surviving and have survived the type of relationship that I'm grappling with.

[earlyL]

Hi to both of you,

It sounds like you are both in difficult situations, and I can totally relate to them. Although only you can decide what is right for you, I can share a little bit of my story and where I am at that might help. My ex told me she had feelings for someone else, that then transpired to be an affair (I found out by accident) for six weeks she stayed with me saying she wanted to make it work, but essentially we were waiting for the lover to get back (from getting married, I kid ye not). During those six weeks, I watched her basically break up with me. She was so distant and disengaged, I actually felt like I was supporting her through our break up then ready to be with the new love of her life. She never apologised, and she said some really hurtful things. I eventually ended it because she had stayed away for 5 nights, then told me she needed to move out but wanted to see other people - but we could date. I said no. She cried at me last week to say she was finding the break up so difficult (we work together, it is a nightmare) but four days later, she was at an event we were working on with new lover, they left together and let me watch. Although a different situation, I would say there is nothing you can do, except look out for yourself and do what is right for you. I wish that I had followed my gut instinct and left once I knew she had the affair. I stayed hoping to make it right, but honestly, I have never seen anything so cruel as someone discard you.

It is the hardest thing walking away, and I felt like I had made the worse decision, but 6 weeks on, I know I didn't. It hurts, a lot. I have many wobbles. I have cried non stop and I haven't slept a full night. BUT it is getting better, really slowly and I can see things clearer, which means I know in another 6 weeks I will be even better, this has got me through (plus therapy and loads of great friends).

I wish I could give you some magic advice, it sounds like either way you have a tough time ahead, this forum has been a saviour for me, keep posting, I find reading peoples stories incredibly useful. I hate seeing other people in pain, but there is something that makes it more bearable knowing you are not alone.

Let us know how you get on.

[chefwife]

Wow EarlyL you are really strong. What an awful thing to go through... .you made it through that 6 weeks and clearly and firmly established you weren't going to be treated that way and it is inspirational to me. It's good to hear the immediate steps after a breakup and the gradual healing that begins to happen. It's definitely helping me finally make that decision and try to move on. THank you for sharing that.

[SettingBorders]

I have always seen breaking up as an event but in my current situation (we're having a child) I find it is more like a process that only starts when I first pronounce "I leave". That terrifies me. I wish I was six weeks past that first event, too. I admire you for your strength, EarlyL, and aspirate some hope of what you say: time goes by and any bad moment will pass.

I wish that I had followed my gut instinct and left once I knew she had the affair. I stayed hoping to make it right, but honestly, I have never seen anything so cruel as someone discard you.

I did neither follow my gut instinct when things got really bad during pregnancy. Big mistake! Next time my gut instinct tells me somethings: I'll do it.

It is the hardest thing walking away, and I felt like I had made the worse decision, but 6 weeks on, I know I didn't. It hurts, a lot. I have many wobbles. I have cried non stop and I haven't slept a full night. BUT it is getting better, really slowly and I can see things clearer, which means I know in another 6 weeks I will be even better, this has got me through (plus therapy and loads of great friends).

What have been these first days been like for you? Was there any contact? I am so terrified of the first times we talk afterwards. But we have to, he'll want to visit his daugther.