Still Not Moving On

[JJacks0]

It's been 7 months since she broke it off without turning back, after 7 years.

In some ways it seems like forever - I honestly can't remember the specifics of our arguments. I can't remember the way I spoke to her on a regular basis. This bothers me, because as many on this site have questioned, I still wonder at times if it was me all along... .if there's really nothing wrong with her. In reality I know that it was both of us, but with hazy memories, it's difficult to determine to what degree. This weighs heavy on my mind. I wish I had clearer memories that would help me determine my role and what I need to change. After 7 years, I can't believe how foggy it all seems.

And in some ways it seems like just yesterday. I honestly cannot believe she's been gone for 7 whole months. Another part of me is still so used to her, so accustomed to worrying about her and having her, that I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. It's so surreal. I think a big part of me still denies it. I think part of me believes that this is just a bump along the way and she'll be back. And in some ways I really do hope that's true, despite all the knowledge that I have and all the dysfunction that our relationship brought. I cling to hope.

In reality I have conflicting emotions. I want her and I'm afraid of her. I have vivid dreams about her frequently, and they all typically feature a common scenario. She and I are back together and I'm thrilled... .but also scared. I always know that something's different. I trust her even less. I'm insecure. But there's also that euphoric feeling that I think most of us here miss. 

I'm not communicating with her. I'm not doing anything to try to get her back. It's been 3 months NC, rapidly approaching 4. I don't anticipate her reaching out. It's not like her to. I'm not sitting around sulking. I'm taking 7 classes, graduating in May, and working 4 nights a week. I socialize in any remaining time and stay busy. But no matter what, I still have this stupid subtle hope underneath it all. I have no interest in dating, no one else does anything for me. I still idealize her in my memories. Even when I force myself to remember the bad, it seems manageable, even tolerable as long as I also get the good. This ridiculous, everlasting hope. I just don't know how to shake it.

And that's why I can't say I'm moving on.

[Lucky Jim]

But no matter what, I still have this stupid subtle hope underneath it all. I have no interest in dating, no one else does anything for me.

Hey JJacksO, Suggest you shift the focus from her to yourself.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  If you seek to recycle, why not acknowledge it?  Plenty of us have done it.  If you did recycle, what makes you think it would go differently?  Those of us who have done it, including me, generally wind up in the same place, except with more pain.  Perhaps you can try to be grateful for moving on.  It's a big weight off one's shoulders, in my view, to be out from under a BPD r/s.  What have you always wanted to do, but couldn't because you were in a long-term r/s with a pwBPD?  Now is the time to do it.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Perhaps you are confusing moving/making progress with having visible results you can point toward.

I once had a job where the company was expanding and they were building a big ~4 story office building, and I watched the progress every day. It went like this:

Big muddy hole in the ground. There was some heavy equipment moving the dirt, I guess. This went on for a long while. I guess they eventually finished moving the dirt around... .

BAM. They poured the slab in a day!

Bit more work; forget what it was. Maybe just letting the concrete cure?

Zoom! Structural beams went in, and there was a skeleton of walls and floors, all four stories in a few days.

External walls and window started to show up... .

Just sits there for weeks, while the interior is finished, no real visible progress again.

Finally, they come in with trucks of lawn to unroll, and the mud around the building is GONE, and two days later they have a grand opening picnic/party for all the employees with outdoor furniture, etc. And the building looks like it was always there.

We had a good construction crew. They were making good progress the whole time. And there were periods when from my perspective looking at it, I didn't see the difference from day to day. And periods with sudden visible jumps that couldn't happen without the slow tedious crap.


Take a look back at where you were--maybe go back and read your posts when you first showed up here... .or even your posts from three or four months ago when you were figuring out how to deal with her breaking it off.

I bet you will see that you have grown and changed.

And I'm pretty sure that right now you are chipping away at stuff you need to work on so you are ready for the visible leap forward you will make next.

[lovenature]

Hi JJ

You actually are moving on even though it doesn't appear so, I had the same feelings as you around the same time out NC; the fact that you are having trouble remembering a number of things and questioning how it really was is showing that it is fading and you are moving on in reality.
Your feelings are normal, recovery isn't linear, don't ever forget why you have hurt so much and tried so hard to get better-trust your gut, and the many others here who have lived it.