My sister is undiagnosed with BPD, I am a caregiver for our 90 year old father.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello Everyone, Thanks for being here to help. Here is my story.

I am in my 50's and my sister is in her 60's. Our father is 90 and a WWII Vet. My Mother suffered with Alzheimer's and passed away a few years ago.  My Brother passed away two years before my Mom as he suffered for years with MS.

After my Mom died I decided to move in with my Dad to help him, he was doing as well as could be expected but very down and trying to cope. He was happy to have me move in. The problem is that my Dad and I get along great and are similar in personality so it works out great. The only time we every have issues is when he invites my (BPD) sister over. She has a live in boyfriend who is useless and fights with my sister at every turn even when they visit. The just take and do nothing to help.

I told my Dad that I want to cut off ties with them after the last "crisis event" which was not a crisis at all but my sister flew into a rage and her boyfriend was calling and blaming my 90 year old Dad. What happened is my sister called and wanted to go to Church with us because our Dad sais the Rosery and it is quite impressive to hear a 90 year old man say the Rosery with such command and conviction. My sister being the drama queen she is did not show up so we left for the church. I sent a Google map to the church for her just in case she needed it and texted her that we had to leave or Dad would be late to lead the Rosery. She and her boyfriend never showed up. She flew into a rage that we abandoned her and left her and she didn't want to go that early and that we should have waited for them. So for months after this incident she would call my 90 year old Dad and yell at him, call me all kinds of names and rant about this incident "crisis".

I told my sister that unless she tried to get some sort of help for this anger and behavior I couldn't have any relationship with her. I tried everything and am, outside of my Dad, the only one in the family who would even talk to her.

So months went by and she continued to call my Dad, the calls turned back to the same as usual, like this never happened.

My Dad gets in the middle and starts to tell me that I need to be the bigger person and visit with her, when I tell him I cant take the rollercoaster ride anymore he starts to tell me how I'm just like her and I'm just being sensitive. It kills me because I know he wants his daughters to get along but I just cant take it any longer. I am depressed, gained over 100lbs and have had a surgery on my foot that is still an issue and very painful. I am basically the only one who takes care of my Dad, he basically takes care of himself, but I do all the shopping, laundry, household things as well as make sure he has what he needs for anything he may want to do. 

So my sister tells my Dad that she has two bracelets that my Mom (who died around 5 years ago now) wanted me and my other sister to have, but she lost the one I was supposed to have. The BPD sister mails a bracelet to my other sister living out of state. My sister out of state sends me a picture and I know it's a bracelet the BPD sister took out of my Moms jewelry box when she was sick before she died. But the BPD sister claims she and our Mom went to purchase these two bracelets just to have for us when she died. I know it is a lie and so does my out of state sister. But my Dad sees this as a my BPD sister
extending the olive branch and so he blames me for not just getting back on the roller coaster. I restated that nothing has changed and BPD sister has had over a year to try to get some sort of help for this kind of behavior but refuses. He gets mad with me and then we are upset and we both just try to get over it. All the while my sister is in his ear telling him how she if afraid when he died that she will not have any family. She plays on his emotions then he takes it out on me.  He is in total denial.

After this last incident her using my sadness about loosing our Mother to hold this bracelet over me then when my dad says to send it and she all of a sudden lost it. I cant do it any more. I am depressed because it is interfering with my relationship with our Father. I tried to meet him half way when he wanted BPD sister to visit with her boyfriend, The night before they were to come over my Dad tells me they are coming over and can I just stay in my room if I don't want to see them. I told him I would go to a movie because I wasn't going to hide in my room for anyone. I didn't have any time to make plans and so on that Sunday I took Dad to church, dropped him off at the house, went to a movie that I had to wait two hours to start. I couldn't walk around at the mall or anything because I'm still having issue with the surgery I had on my foot. So it was a bad day for me and I wont do it again unless I have some notice. I am just so sick of my Dad putting me in this position. I talk to him about it and he knows she has problems but feels like I should just take it because she is sick. After all this and my emotional breakdown talking and trying to explain to my Dad, he casually mentions that he wants to invite them to church with us. I calmly answered if they want to make plans to come pick you up and take you to church that would be fine with me. But he knows they wont do that because that would mean that they have to go a little early. I love my Dad and don't want to move out because we get along so well other than this issue. Any advise on  now to balance this? I love my Dad and want to help take care of him in his own home as he did for my Mother, but my Sister is making this impossible.

[Snoopycarol]

Hello Everyone, Thanks for being here to help. Here is my story.

I am in my 50's and my sister is in her 60's. Our father is 90 and a WWII Vet. My Mother suffered with Alzheimer's and passed away a few years ago.  My Brother passed away two years before my Mom as he suffered for years with MS.

After my Mom died I decided to move in with my Dad to help him, he was doing as well as could be expected but very down and trying to cope. He was happy to have me move in. The problem is that my Dad and I get along great and are similar in personality so it works out great. The only time we every have issues is when he invites my (BPD) sister over. She has a live in boyfriend who is useless and fights with my sister at every turn even when they visit. The just take and do nothing to help.

I told my Dad that I want to cut off ties with them after the last "crisis event" which was not a crisis at all but my sister flew into a rage and her boyfriend was calling and blaming my 90 year old Dad. What happened is my sister called and wanted to go to Church with us because our Dad sais the Rosery and it is quite impressive to hear a 90 year old man say the Rosery with such command and conviction. My sister being the drama queen she is did not show up so we left for the church. I sent a Google map to the church for her just in case she needed it and texted her that we had to leave or Dad would be late to lead the Rosery. She and her boyfriend never showed up. She flew into a rage that we abandoned her and left her and she didn't want to go that early and that we should have waited for them. So for months after this incident she would call my 90 year old Dad and yell at him, call me all kinds of names and rant about this incident "crisis".

I told my sister that unless she tried to get some sort of help for this anger and behavior I couldn't have any relationship with her. I tried everything and am, outside of my Dad, the only one in the family who would even talk to her.

So months went by and she continued to call my Dad, the calls turned back to the same as usual, like this never happened.

My Dad gets in the middle and starts to tell me that I need to be the bigger person and visit with her, when I tell him I cant take the rollercoaster ride anymore he starts to tell me how I'm just like her and I'm just being sensitive. It kills me because I know he wants his daughters to get along but I just cant take it any longer. I am depressed, gained over 100lbs and have had a surgery on my foot that is still an issue and very painful. I am basically the only one who takes care of my Dad, he basically takes care of himself, but I do all the shopping, laundry, household things as well as make sure he has what he needs for anything he may want to do. 

So my sister tells my Dad that she has two bracelets that my Mom (who died around 5 years ago now) wanted me and my other sister to have, but she lost the one I was supposed to have. The BPD sister mails a bracelet to my other sister living out of state. My sister out of state sends me a picture and I know it's a bracelet the BPD sister took out of my Moms jewelry box when she was sick before she died. But the BPD sister claims she and our Mom went to purchase these two bracelets just to have for us when she died. I know it is a lie and so does my out of state sister. But my Dad sees this as a my BPD sister
extending the olive branch and so he blames me for not just getting back on the roller coaster. I restated that nothing has changed and BPD sister has had over a year to try to get some sort of help for this kind of behavior but refuses. He gets mad with me and then we are upset and we both just try to get over it. All the while my sister is in his ear telling him how she if afraid when he died that she will not have any family. She plays on his emotions then he takes it out on me.  He is in total denial.

After this last incident her using my sadness about loosing our Mother to hold this bracelet over me then when my dad says to send it and she all of a sudden lost it. I cant do it any more. I am depressed because it is interfering with my relationship with our Father. I tried to meet him half way when he wanted BPD sister to visit with her boyfriend, The night before they were to come over my Dad tells me they are coming over and can I just stay in my room if I don't want to see them. I told him I would go to a movie because I wasn't going to hide in my room for anyone. I didn't have any time to make plans and so on that Sunday I took Dad to church, dropped him off at the house, went to a movie that I had to wait two hours to start. I couldn't walk around at the mall or anything because I'm still having issue with the surgery I had on my foot. So it was a bad day for me and I wont do it again unless I have some notice. I am just so sick of my Dad putting me in this position. I talk to him about it and he knows she has problems but feels like I should just take it because she is sick. After all this and my emotional breakdown talking and trying to explain to my Dad, he casually mentions that he wants to invite them to church with us. I calmly answered if they want to make plans to come pick you up and take you to church that would be fine with me. But he knows they wont do that because that would mean that they have to go a little early. I love my Dad and don't want to move out because we get along so well other than this issue. Any advise on  now to balance this? I love my Dad and want to help take care of him in his own home as he did for my Mother, but my Sister is making this impossible.

[Snoopycarol]

I am going to sit down again with my Dad to tell him that I need notice if they are going to visit and if he wants to do anything with them he will have to do it alone and drive with them. But I have been to upset and emotional to talk about if since this just happened. I'm trying to cope so I will be able to talk to him without getting upset. I would appreciate any tips on how to deal with my Dad.

Thanks

[Kwamina]

Hi Snoopycarol and welcome to bpdfamily

I am sorry you lost your mom and brother a few years ago. Losing close family-members can be quite difficult to deal with.

The situation with your dad and BPD sister is quite unpleasant and I can understand why this would bother you so. Reading your post I think it is important to set (and enforce/defend) firm boundaries, not only with your sister and her boyfriend, but also with your father. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you not to want to be subjected to verbal abuse. Do you generally feel comfortable setting boundaries with people? Do you feel comfortable setting boundaries with your dad?

With boundaries it is important to keep in mind though that they are primarily for protecting our own well-being and taking steps to do so, regardless of whether the other person changes or not. Whether your sister seeks help or not, is not something you can control, but what you can control is how you respond to her behavior and also to the pressure from your father. We have some material about boundaries that you might find helpful:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Boundaries - examples