BPD Adulting: Setting a Boundary With Work

[WitzEndWife]

I need some help sorting out how to set boundaries around work expectations. From what I gather, my uHwBPD is high-functioning, EXCEPT when it comes to work. Throughout his life, he worked random freelance gigs, and had one full-time job as a columnist for his home town's newspaper, but he doesn't have a degree, nor has he ever really been a responsible adult. Before he met me, he had been living with his mother in Canada. We met in the U.S. while he was here trying to apply for a special visa. He moved in with me shortly after we started dating, which isn't my usual M.O., but he assured me that I could kick him out if I didn't want him there anymore.

At first, he paid his way, but, very shortly after we were living together, I started buying groceries for both of us, and then paying for meals out, and then buying him clothes, and so on. He claimed to be trying to look for cash gigs online (he wasn't able to work here), but he couldn't find anything legitimate. A year and a half later, we got married, and, because his visa case wasn't moving forward (due to other people being hard to locate and dragging their feet), we applied for a marriage visa. That's still going through the system, but he did get a work permit.

For half of our relationship, he has been claiming to want to go into real estate, but has taken no action towards that. My sister even bought him a real estate book for Christmas two years ago, and he has yet to read 1/2 of it. He claims that he is worried that he will put all of his time and energy into something that won't pan out. However, he won't make efforts to do anything consistently that will.

He has taken up Ubering part of the time, which is something, even though he is using my car (his car is too old). Every once in a while he will make a video for his YouTube channel or will write a blog (both of which usually instantly get a lot of hits). He is incredibly smart and talented, but he won't apply himself consistently.

I've grown incredibly resentful about this situation. It feels like he is a child who expects me to pay for his lifestyle, and he has expensive tastes. He thinks we can justify this because I have a good job. He enjoys going out to eat, spending top dollar on car parts, purchasing pricey clothing and shoes, and buying expensive luxury items at he grocery store. When I push back, he accuses me of complaining, or he uses some kind of manipulative reasoning to justify the spend.

He's also extremely sensitive about the whole job situation. I have given up even lightly touching on the subject, as he rages or gets extremely down on himself when I do. I've read on these forums that it is important not to enable and to place adult expectations on a partner, but how do I set that boundary?

Do I say, "You have to get a job, or we're through"? Or is there a way to wean him off of expecting so much from me?

I guess, for my part, I'm playing into his victimhood and manipulation tactics. The last few times I've mentioned the work thing, it's been like this:
Me: I just want to feel like both of us are contributing to this partnership.
Him: I've been Ubering every day! Sorry if that's not enough money for you! I'll just work all night too then.
Me: That's not it, but the Ubering puts a lot of wear and tear on my car. If you want to Uber full time, let's look into trading your car for something you can Uber in.
Him: No! I'm not going to Uber full time, I'll look into getting something else.

And weeks go by with little-to-no action.

I feel like I'm being had, and I'm bearing a huge burden. This feels just as challenging as getting him into therapy.

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[Grey Kitty]

Boundary enforcement protects you from the consequences of his actions.

If you are trying to get him to act differently rather than protect yourself, it becomes something else (controlling and ugly, most often.)

You can't make him get a decent job. You can't make him apply himself. None of that.

You can, however, protect yourself from the financial consequences of him not having income by not supporting him.

Stop paying for him to go out to eat with you. Stop paying for his clothes.

Perhaps you can insist that if he Uber's in your car he owes you a mileage depreciation rate for the driving he does? Or tell him you aren't OK with him using your car that way.

Do you have joint accounts, or individual bank accounts and credit cards, or a mix?

[WitzEndWife]

We have a joint savings account, but our other accounts are separate. I did that to protect funds from his impulsive spending habits. If we had a joint checking account, we'd undoubtedly be broke each month. He burns through money as soon as he has it, mainly because, obviously, he knows that he won't be homeless or starving if he doesn't.

I guess I can push back on eating out together and buying things that aren't absolutely necessary.

[Grey Kitty]

I guess I can push back on eating out together and buying things that aren't absolutely necessary.

I wouldn't call what I suggest "pushing back" exactly, as there isn't really a right or wrong answer in a global way--just what feels right or wrong for you today.

It is OK to feel generous and want to support him in a comfortable or even luxurious way... .if you feel good about providing this for somebody you love.

It is also OK if you don't want to support him financially, and to spend the money you earn on yourself, for future plans, or things you enjoy today.

It really comes down to your values, how you feel about it. If you are feeling resentful, that sounds like a hint that you are supporting him too much.

OTOH, if you are feeling sad, mean, or guilty, that probably means you aren't being generous enough.

If you are feeling both at once, you are probably supporting him too much, and being manipulated / in the FOG... .

[WitzEndWife]

That's a really good way to look at it. I definitely feel like I'm supporting him too much. I think that it helps with him to be very clear on what I need. For example, if I said, "I need you to pay for your dental bill every month," it would help him to make that a priority. However, if I just said, "I need you to help pay bills," it's very vague and overwhelming sounding to him, and he feels inadequate.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm glad it is helping you find clarity.

For example, if I said, "I need you to pay for your dental bill every month," it would help him to make that a priority. However, if I just said, "I need you to help pay bills," it's very vague and overwhelming sounding to him, and he feels inadequate.

I'd suggest a slightly different approach. Telling him what you need him to do comes off a bit controlling. And what happens if he says "You are right, I need to... ." but then just doesn't pay it. Then what do you do? Ultimately, it is his choice to pay a bill or not.

This is important, because if you don't pay his dental bill, that leaves him with two choices--pay it himself, or not pay it, and face the consequences of it not being paid. (Collections, perhaps?)

Instead, tell him that you won't (or can't) pay his dental bill, and you are leaving it for him to deal with.

There may well be a conversation about how much he is contributing to household expenses, and what kind of work he can do to improve it... .but in the end, he's done really badly in that department for most of his life. Expecting that a conversation with you will change a life-long pattern isn't very realistic.

[WifeOfProbableBP]

I have a similar situation going on. I decided to move in with my parents for a while. He wants me to come back home. I have decided that one of my conditions for moving back in with him will be that he puts as many bills as possible in his name. Right now, they are all in my name. I know longer cover his share if he is late on a bill. I just let him worry about the late fees. The problem right now though is that they're in my name, so it looks kind of bad on me. However, I am not living there right now, and if the utility company shuts off the electricity because he didn't pay his part, he will have to deal with cold showers and late fees.