Setting Goals for Therapy

[vortex of confusion]

I found a therapist and I am going to have my first appointment this week.

I am trying to figure out how to approach it. The last time I sought help, it kind of blew up in my face. I think part of the reason was that I didn't have any clear goals and I was very, very angry. The person that I talked to was not very experienced. I feel like she made up her mind about my situation without really giving me the space to vent and work through my feelings. She lambasted me at the end of the session and I was left to pick up the pieces of being emotionally steamrolled by her.

So, what I am wanting to do is figure out how to test the waters and make sure that this new therapist is experienced enough to deal with my situation. I know I have a lot of hurt and anger and frustration.

I have been trying to think about the areas that I need the most help with and I am thinking that my biggest problem is feeling a bit stuck. Ex has been out of the house for a year and he hasn't really argued with me about anything with regards to the kids or finances. In a lot of ways, I have a lot to be grateful for even though the end of our relationship was so dysfunctional and hurtful.

I feel like I am stuck with regards to feeling rejected. I have a difficult time being around him and when I am, I find myself making snarky comments. I don't know how to deal with that pain in a constructive manner. I helped ex move and I found myself saying stuff like, "Where are all of those women that you said inspired you? Where are those women that you said were so much better than me? Why aren't they here helping you?" I know it is really juvenile of me to say things like that to him. I am having such a hard time processing the feelings of rejection. I am having such a hard time dealing with how much it hurt for him to brag about those other women in the way that he did.

When I kicked him out last year, he went and stayed with his mom for close to a month. When he came back to town, I was hoping that maybe he would have missed us and would come back with a different attitude. Nope, he came back and found a place to live rent free. And, he had to tell me that he found the love of his life and tell me all kinds of wonderful things about her and how she inspired him and a bunch of other crap. He even had to show me her picture at our family Easter celebration last year.

As I type out the above, I wonder if it is best to start at the beginning and work my way forward or if it is best to start in the here and now and work my way backwards. I have 20 years of history with ex and it is difficult to sort it all out. When I just focus on the hurtful stuff, it feels like I am painting him black and making him sound like an overly abusive jerk.

So, does anybody have any advice or input to help me prepare for my first appointment?

[Sluggo]

Vortex,

I started going to a divorce group workshop that is put on by our church.  They spoke about the 5 stages of grief- denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. I had thought I was in the depression stage at first.  But the more I thought about it, I am still in the denial stage.  I was the one that moved out.  However I relate to what you said... .hoping that she would change, be kinder, etc.  I am 13 months out of the house and I still have not accepted it and still think maybe she will change (although I know that wont happen).    I mention that as it seems that I am reading that in between the lines of what you wrote.  I also hear bitterness which could be anger that has been stored up and not released.  Talking with the T may help you identify the loss and express that anger.  My therapist said just last week... .  you need to show your anger.  Until you show your anger you will stay in the denial stage. Anger can help us separate ourselves from the relationship.   

My preference would be to start at the beginning as I am more a linear thinker-  start with when I first started seeing problems and the escalation, then go over my role in the mess, her role in the mess, my background, her background, where I am at now and what I am struggling with... .or help him identify for you what he sees that you need working on. 

Good luck and would love to hear how it goes. 

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you Sluggo!

I think I have let go of the idea of him changing. I know that any changes he makes will be temporary. I also know that I cannot ever live with him again or be anything more than a friend to him. There has been way too much stuff transpire. I can barely look at him some days.

There is definitely a lot of bitterness. Thank you for pointing out the possibility that it could be anger that has been stored up and not released. I know that there were lots of times over the years when I would swallow my anger and upset to keep the peace. I would talk myself out of being angry or upset over things. It is weird that the longer he is out of the house, the more clearly I see things and the more anger and hurt come up. I think my snarkiness is a "safe" way for me to let that anger out.

Hmmm. . .I am thinking about when the problems started. In all honesty, the problems started on our wedding night 18 years ago when he wanted to watch PPV porn instead of consumating our marriage. But, I dismissed that because we were both really tired. My part was that it bothered me but I didn't really speak up about it. For the first couple of years, he chose porn over me. After he lost his job for looking at porn, things seemed to change.

I would say that there was about ten years in the middle when things seemed pretty good. I think that underneath the "good" I was hurting because none of the stuff from the beginning of our marriage was ever addressed. The rejection that I felt wasn't addressed. He stopped looking at porn and became the "perfect" husband. I got sidetracked having babies and dealing with toddlers and I stopped talking about any of that stuff. I became the "perfect" wife and mommy. I was in complete denial about how I felt about the stuff that happened at the beginning. I went to a few 12 step meetings and said something about that and was asked why I didn't speak up or do something back then. I have asked myself that question time and time again. I was young and dumb and naive.

When things started to unravel, all of that stored up pain and hurt came out. I think that really interfered with my ability to work on our problems. And, it didn't help that his way of working on our problems was, "Let's see other people" after 15 years of marriage.

The beginning and the end seem to eclipse the good parts in the middle.

I will try to report back about how it goes. Thank you for your reply. I am trying to gather my thoughts so I can get the most out of therapy.

[Sluggo]

Vortex,

I am so sorry to hear that your wedding night you had that happen.  He chose the $1 cheap plastic white 'pearls' instead of the authentic genuine Tahitian pearls.  I can only imagine how that might of hurt.   

Yes I have done a great job of having a plan B with my wife's behavior also.  If she canceled a date night we had set up, I would say to myself well that is ok that will give me time to get the bills done, when she told me (and I agreed) that I could not go to my son's football that night I would think of something else I could do instead.  That way it kept me from being disappointed and angry.  I was just trying to manage and survive.

When you went to those meetings I am sure you were just trying to understand and survive and manage.  I would not be hard on yourself for that.   

good luck on meeting!


 

[vortex of confusion]

I can only imagine how that might of hurt. 

For years, I tried to tell myself that it didn't hurt. For years, I tried to tell myself that I was wanting too much or was unrealistic with regards to my expectations of marriage or a physical relationship. The truth is that it hurts. It felt like the ultimate rejection. It might not have been so bad if he hadn't continued to pile on the rejection. Because I was so young, it was something that I wasn't really comfortable talking about. I tried to talk about it with a few female friends but it just didn't go very well. The consensus seemed to be that boys will be boys and I just had to deal with it and not take it personally. I had one person that I tried to talk to about feeling rejected because my husband didn't want to be with me physically and preferred porn or self pleasure. The response I got was, "Oh, mine did that too. I didn't care because that meant that he would leave me alone."

I thought my pain and hurt were a result of me being overly sensitive.

That way it kept me from being disappointed and angry.  I was just trying to manage and survive.

At some point, the disappointment and anger and resentment became too much for me to handle.

[vortex of confusion]

I wanted to give a brief update on how my first session went.

I think it went really well and have another appointment scheduled in March. I really liked her approach. We will start at the beginning and work our way forward. The goal will be to put the past behind me so I can live in the present and move forward. This session was just to get an idea of who I am and what is going on. The one thing that did come up that I will be glad to address is why did I allow myself to be treated that way for so long.

And, the other thing that came up that I need to work on is having compassion for myself. I have all sorts of compassion and understanding for ex as well as others. I don't tend to extend that same level of compassion to myself. I am feeling really positive about working with somebody to help me on a more personal level.

[Sluggo]

Vortex,

That sounds like a great session.  I can hear your hope.  It gave you a plan to manage and a goal to achieve.  Without any goals, any path will get you to where you end up.  But with direction and goals you will be able to see the progress and have the encouragement to keep you going and get to the end that you want to see. 

I have gained so much from the time I have spent with my T.  He keeps me honest, challenges my codependent thinking patterns and shows what a healthy pattern of thinking really looks like. 

The goal will be to put the past behind me so I can live in the present and move forward.

I really like that.  That will help begin the purging of all the anger and neglect you have endured over the years. 

I need to work on is having compassion for myself

Which leads into self loathing.  Self loathing is so damaging but it is very tempting to start down that path.  Sometimes it can feel good to self loath as I have all this anger and I am unable or unwilling to direct it to the person I need to.  So I can direct it at my self and pushes me down a spiral. 

I am feeling really positive about working with somebody to help me on a more personal level.

  I have found a lot of comfort in journaling right after my appointment.  i use a program on my phone and desktop called Private Diary.  It is a free app but it allows me to talk to text where I can really open up.  If I feel like typing it I can do it easily from the desk top.  I like going back to see the progress I have made... .especially on those hard days. 

Great job and keep up the hard work. 

[vortex of confusion]

He keeps me honest, challenges my codependent thinking patterns and shows what a healthy pattern of thinking really looks like. 

That is the one thing that I think I want most. I want to be able to identify what a healthy pattern of thinking really looks like. I feel like my thought processes are healthy. The problem is that my normal meter is pretty broken. I suspect that as I progress a lot of things will start to make more sense. There have been so many times in my life when my gut would scream that something wasn't right and I would go along with it anyway because I let other people like my mother or my ex convince me that I was being selfish or that I was crazy or messed up in the head.

I really don't think I am as far off base as they have led me to believe. That isn't to say that I am great or wonderful. It is that the more I talk to people the more I am hearing that I was perfectly justified at being upset over certain things. If anything, I wasn't upset enough. That is in direct opposition to hearing that I was overly sensitive. That is the funniest thing about all of this. When I share stuff with people they seem so dumbfounded. I let things go on for way longer than I should have. I was trying to be tough and not be overly sensitive. I was made fun of for being sensitive and being afraid of stuff. I learned to stuff that crap. If I swallowed my fear and did it anyway, things would be so much easier. If I said that I was afraid of something, you could guarantee that I would then be tormented with that very thing.

One of my sisters was afraid of loud noises as a kid. Nobody cared. They would make fun of her for hiding from the noise. As an adult, she hates fireworks. She lived next door to our family for a while. Dad took great pleasure in shooting fireworks at her house. And people wonder why she has been in and out of the mental hospital for most of her adult life.

Even now, as an adult, if I tell my mother no, she lays on a guilt trip.

I really like that.  That will help begin the purging of all the anger and neglect you have endured over the years. 
Which leads into self loathing.  Self loathing is so damaging but it is very tempting to start down that path.  Sometimes it can feel good to self loath as I have all this anger and I am unable or unwilling to direct it to the person I need to.  So I can direct it at my self and pushes me down a spiral. 

I haven't had too much trouble directing my anger at ex these days. I feel like I am almost too angry with him and make verbal comments every chance I get. I know that isn't healthy but at the same time I also don't think it is healthy to sit on all of the anger and swallow it. My family deserves a lot of my anger in my opinion. Expressing anger to them would be very, very dangerous. When I was in college and was dating a guy my dad didn't like, my dad told me that if I didn't break up with the guy, he would spend the rest of his days making sure my life was miserable. Needless to say, I cut things off with that guy. It wasn't worth the fight.

I have been thinking about self loathing and lack of compassion for myself. It is interesting for me to note that lack of compassion for myself doesn't translate into self loathing for me. I know the source of my lack of self compassion. It is a habit. I can identify all sorts of incidents during childhood as well as in my marriage when I would try to share and be shot down because somebody else had it worse than me and I should be grateful. So, I find ways to be grateful. I find ways to be happy with whatever I am given. If you give me bread crumbs, I will try to find a way to make it into stuffing that I can feast on. Give me lemons and I will make lemon aide. I tell myself that I don't need compassion or understanding. I am strong. I am creative. I can figure stuff out. It isn't because I have self loathing. It is because I simply don't need it. I have been told that through actions and words for so long that I have internalized it.

[Grey Kitty]

I can identify all sorts of incidents during childhood as well as in my marriage when I would try to share and be shot down because somebody else had it worse than me and I should be grateful. So, I find ways to be grateful. I find ways to be happy with whatever I am given.

In comparison lies madness is something I've heard attributed to Buddha. Often this is about comparing yourself to those who are smarter, faster, stronger, richer, more successful, etc, which leads you in a bad direction, and one you probably aren't susceptible to very much.

Invalidating your feelings, your suffering because "others have it worse" is another form of this. And you are seeing what direction it sends you, and that isn't healthy either.

Being happy with what you have, and being grateful for what you have *IS* a wonderful part of your personality. It is a strength, not something you want to change!

Using it in the wrong situation does get you into trouble. When life gives you lemons, go ahead and make lemonade. When somebody in your life gives you breadcrumbs... .keeping the whole loaf... .don't use this to create gratitude toward them for the stuffing you made for yourself from what they "gave" you.

[vortex of confusion]

Using it in the wrong situation does get you into trouble. When life gives you lemons, go ahead and make lemonade. When somebody in your life gives you breadcrumbs... .keeping the whole loaf... .don't use this to create gratitude toward them for the stuffing you made for yourself from what they "gave" you.

Thank you for this!

I do typically have gratitude toward them for what they "gave" me. After all, I wouldn't have been able to make the stuffing if they hadn't given me the bread crumbs. 

I think that might be an area that I need to work on a bit. I don't have to have gratitude for bread crumbs. It is okay for me to be upset if all I am getting is bread crumbs. It is okay for me to want part of the loaf.

[Sluggo]

When I share stuff with people they seem so dumbfounded. I let things go on for way longer than I should have.

that is is the ultimate litmus test... .  the reaction of my close friends when I started sharing this stuff that was going on in my marriage.  Hearing them say 'this is not normal', etc, etc.  That is when I knew I had to re-calibrate. 

Or another metaphor... .  as you probably have heard if you put a frog in cold water and turn up the heat they will not jump out as they do not realize it is getting hot... .so hot the will die.  However, if you put a frog in boiling water it will try to jump out.  Things in my relationship were like this and I was that frog getting heated up slowly and didn't even realize it or adjusted to it. 

However if at the beginning I was time transported to the end of my relationship and see how I was allowing her to treat me, I would have never entered into that relationship.