Hi Roberto,
Hang in there. It's not an easy road. These breakups are so toxic they take longer to get over than most, mostly because of all the push pull and drama you've likely become addicted to without realizing it.
I'm two years out this May. The first three months NC was a struggle but now I'd never contact her nor respond if she dared contacted me. I know no good could come from talking to her. I do not trust her and never will again. To me, she is a symbol of all my hurt and how long it's taken to get to this point.
I'm not the same person I was in that relationship. I'm much more aware.
My ex has been with her gf for two years now. For a long time I hated this woman, now I feel pity for her. I remember wanting to die my ex talked to me so badly. She left me over 13x and I kept taking her back. The end of our relationship I was pretty checked out. I didn't care anymore. She betrayed me so many times I didn't love her at all.
That's when I realized I was addicted to the drama and the push pull. She always came back, until she didn't and that turned out to be a great blessing.
Keep yourself healthy and busy. Go to the gym, join a hobby group like meetup or a bowling league. Surround yourself with people. When my grandfather died my grandmother said she joined a lot of groups where she knew no one. She did this because strangers couldn't hurt her.
That always stuck with me.
My grandparents had a very loving relationship and it took me awhile to understand her reasoning.
I finally got it.
It's very hard for people who have not been in a relationship with a BPD to understand why it takes so long to get over them. Close friends and family get frustrated. I am truly surprised I have anyone left after talking about my ex ad nauseum months after my relationship ended!
When it was finally over I did join groups and spend time with strangers. No one wants to be the downer talking about their ex to strangers! That's what helped me. For an hour or two I was bowling or doing something fun with others, not thinking about my ex or talking about her.
Just something to consider. The added benefit was inner some great people and eventually my current gf who is awesome sauce!
Things do get better but it does take time and effort.
Thanks for your great post!
PW
