Update after a long time

[kells76]

Hey guys, sorry it's been a long time (since last year maybe?) -- I want to let you know where we're at and give a big Thank You to the crew (especially ForeverDad but everyone else, too). I also want to encourage those of you who are stuck in all the crap to KEEP GOING and get all the help you can, both here and in person and for your kids. It can get better!
(BTW, I'm Stepmom, and DH is girls' dad, for those of you who don't know me)

Things are looking up... .FINALLY! Both kids have been seeing a counselor since last fall. We weren't sure about Counselor at first since Mom picked her out. The deal at the start was that if we used her as C, we all (Mom included) agreed to follow whatever she recommended in girls' best interests. Counselor took it slow for a while but the payoff has been MAJORLY worth all the time and effort and tears.

So a couple of weeks ago C told DH that she wanted all the parents to work on positive communication and goal-setting together. DH had mentioned to C before about our marriage counselor so C suggested we use him for these sessions (long story but MC knows all about Mom & Stepdad's antics, personally). C agreed that she'd talk to MC before doing these goal sessions. I was kinda leery of going through all that again but DH made the point that this was kinda huge, getting the kids' counselor to talk with our MC about the whole situation, and if agreeing to work on positive goal setting together was what it took, we should try.

C and MC talked last week and oh boy was it a relief. They are totally on the same page about what they have both seen (MC on dysfunctional family systems: "It's not like it's rocket science". All the Karpman triangles, parent-child coalitions, role-reversal, role-playing, parentified golden child... .ALL of it. She sees it ALL. And so now Mom is stuck in a double bind of her own making -- she was playing the role of "Good Mom" by taking the kids to a counselor she herself chose and telling the counselor how all she wanted was for the kids to have a good relationship with their dad, with whom they had some communication issues. And now the counselor is telling Mom what a great job DH is doing, what amazing work, and now C is working on all Mom & Stepdad's problems with the kids. Mom is stuck with confronting (hopefully) the fact that all these problems stem from the intense dysfunctional negative narrative that she & Stepdad spun for years.

To be fair, C says that Mom & Stepdad are acknowledging some of their roles in this. I have a lot of skepticism left -- are they just "playing roles" again? Like, what a Good Mom would do is acknowledge whatever C says, so Mom is just playing along? Nothing I can change there, though. Mom will do what Mom will do, and all I can work on is myself.

Long story short, there's a lot of professional supervision on the situation now. There's still a long way to go but after all the spite and vitriol and tension, then all the legal stuff, this is what matters -- that the kids get the help they need to get out of the dysfunction. So to those of you still in the thick of legal crap, or at the start of realizing you need to go there, do what it takes in that process to get professional counseling help for your kids (and you).

And thank you so much to ForeverDad, DreamGirl, panda, Nope, bravhart1, and everyone else who has helped me (and DH) through all this. I'll never forget all that you've done for us and I hope to be able to come back and pass that along too.

[Panda39]

Hi Kells76,

So happy to hear all of your good news.  I appreciate the update. It really does help the kids when those professionals get involved.    Not to mention very validating for you and DH when the professionals are seeing what you are seeing.

I agree with you as miserable as things can get, keep your focus on the kids and their best interest and don't give up!

Thanks for sharing your update and keep up the good work. 
Panda39

[kells76]

Thanks panda! Hope you guys are hanging in there.

And you're really right about focusing on the kids no matter what. A key moment for us was when the decision was basically "does DH pursue the CS modification or not". Which Mom was being a real pill about. He prob would have gotten a favorable modification but Lawyer was like, you're getting the counseling for the kids finally, plus a detailed PP, plus PT coordinator. Think hard about what you really want. And to DH's credit those were the things he wanted more than fair $. So in the end the $ is just $ and if Mom wants to whine about it while getting that much that's up to her. The kids and counseling are way more important.

[ForeverDad]

This calls for... .

Follow the "Quote from" link back to my prior post.  Evidently we can no longer post links to images.  Hey, if the front door doesn't open, try the side door.

[kells76]

Thanks foreverdad 
And of course big Thank Yous to livednlearned and david too. I haven't forgotten all your help and I don't think DH and I would be where we are now without you guys.

[david]

Good to hear things are getting better.

[bravhart1]

Glad things are improving, sounds like dad is finally getting some quality time with the girls now too. I'm very happy things are going well.

Thank you for the mention, I hope anything I've learned and shared has helped others, otherwise what's it all about, right?

I just keep focused on the end, what the kids will come to realize about what we tried to do for them, and protect them from. It's not always easy, especially as a step mum, but I have to believe we were called into these kids lives for a reason.

Here's to a great 2017 for us all!

[PinkieV]

I checked in today to post my own update. Congratulations on your progress, it's a great feeling, isn't it?
Hopefully there will be some long-lasting effects.