The long and winding road- almost over

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, next month marks the 3rd anniversary of where all of this craziness began. And in 11 days, it could all be over.

We got our eval back last week, and had mediation yesterday.

The eval was not perfect, but not bad.  We really hoped the evaluator would force BPDex into some kind of psych testing, or recovery or something, but did not.  She just stated that BPDex seemed like a committed and caring parent who worked hard to be a good mother.  She did not see any need for additional therapy because she is already seeing two therapists and a DV advocate.  Both therapists and advocate are all through the place she went to when she filed her first false DV order that was dismissed 3 years ago out of spite. 

The eval stated there was no signs or evidence of DV. 

We got to see in black and white what she was accusing my BF of.  That was a crazy read.  Holy cow!  She claims he is a drunk, porn addicted, possible child molester.  It turns out, according to her tale, that when they were in a relationship, and he said were some very good times, that she claims she took their infant to the doc to have her checked for signs of molestation.  The doc said there were not.  So, this whole "abuse" thing she has been working on for a VERY long time. 

She robbed their shared business in the middle of the night, and opened a similar business with all of the furniture across town.  She refuses to take her name off the lease but has never paid for anything before or after the robbery.  The Eval states that the fact that my BF is still maintaining the business and the mother is not profiting from it even though she is "Part owner" (her name is on the lease, that is ALL, she is not even on the LLC)  The eval states this proves "financial abuse on the father's part"  WTH?  What is the expectation?  She robs him, literally cleans the place out in the middle of the night without notice and has never asked him to be bought out or anything, she refuses to discuss it.  Is he expected to just write her checks because her name is on the lease?  That statement made zero sense to me. 

The weird part is, the whole eval reads like she was leaning towards siding with the mother until you get to the recommendations.  The evaluators recommendations were exactly what we have asked for! The only thing she added was a mutual restraining order and suggested that my BF take an alcohol assessment to ease the mother's mind because she is convinced he is a raging alcoholic.  She thinks if he gets an alcohol assessment, it will put the subject to rest once and for all.

Yesterday they had mediation. Was set for 2.5 hours, took nearly 6 hours.  BPDex agreed to nearly everything.  We followed the advice of this board and added a bunch of randomness we did not care about, so she got to say no to those things and feel like she won something, but at the end she said yes to almost every single thing we asked for. 

She did NOT want the mutual restraining order, which kind of shocked me, since a restraining order seemed like her end game for the last 3 years.  Maybe it was because it was mutual?

The only thing she came to the table with was she wants that alcohol assessment.  She would not agree to anything unless he agreed to that.  So he did.  He has to do that in 60 days and follow the recommendations of the assessment.  We are not worried about it, he is not a drunk by any means, it is just one more expensive invasive thing we have to do.  BF did make it so she has to do it too though.   

Now, they have a 7 day waiting period, and sing it next week.  This is the crappiest part.  IF, after all of that work, she changes her mind and doesn't sign, the next day we are due to turn in all of our witness lists and evidence to the court. 

I'm wondering, after all of those hours of mediation, if there is a chance she is just going to back out and take it to court at the last minute? 

I can TOTALLY see her convincing herself she was "bullied into agreeing to stuff she is not comfortable with" or something. 

If she signs, it is all over.  We finally have the res time we've always wanted, we finally have the clear and concise rules for everything, we finally can go pretty much No Contact without it being an issue.  Fingers and toes crossed! 

[hell0kitty]

Well, next month marks the 3rd anniversary of where all of this craziness began. And in 11 days, it could all be over.

We got our eval back last week, and had mediation yesterday.

The eval was not perfect, but not bad.  We really hoped the evaluator would force BPDex into some kind of psych testing, or recovery or something, but did not.  She just stated that BPDex seemed like a committed and caring parent who worked hard to be a good mother.  She did not see any need for additional therapy because she is already seeing two therapists and a DV advocate.  Both therapists and advocate are all through the place she went to when she filed her first false DV order that was dismissed 3 years ago out of spite. 

The eval stated there was no signs or evidence of DV. 

We got to see in black and white what she was accusing my BF of.  That was a crazy read.  Holy cow!  She claims he is a drunk, porn addicted, possible child molester.  It turns out, according to her tale, that when they were in a relationship, and he said were some very good times, that she claims she took their infant to the doc to have her checked for signs of molestation.  The doc said there were not.  So, this whole "abuse" thing she has been working on for a VERY long time. 

She robbed their shared business in the middle of the night, and opened a similar business with all of the furniture across town.  She refuses to take her name off the lease but has never paid for anything before or after the robbery.  The Eval states that the fact that my BF is still maintaining the business and the mother is not profiting from it even though she is "Part owner" (her name is on the lease, that is ALL, she is not even on the LLC)  The eval states this proves "financial abuse on the father's part"  WTH?  What is the expectation?  She robs him, literally cleans the place out in the middle of the night without notice and has never asked him to be bought out or anything, she refuses to discuss it.  Is he expected to just write her checks because her name is on the lease?  That statement made zero sense to me. 

The weird part is, the whole eval reads like she was leaning towards siding with the mother until you get to the recommendations.  The evaluators recommendations were exactly what we have asked for! The only thing she added was a mutual restraining order and suggested that my BF take an alcohol assessment to ease the mother's mind because she is convinced he is a raging alcoholic.  She thinks if he gets an alcohol assessment, it will put the subject to rest once and for all.

Yesterday they had mediation. Was set for 2.5 hours, took nearly 6 hours.  BPDex agreed to nearly everything.  We followed the advice of this board and added a bunch of randomness we did not care about, so she got to say no to those things and feel like she won something, but at the end she said yes to almost every single thing we asked for. 

She did NOT want the mutual restraining order, which kind of shocked me, since a restraining order seemed like her end game for the last 3 years.  Maybe it was because it was mutual?

The only thing she came to the table with was she wants that alcohol assessment.  She would not agree to anything unless he agreed to that.  So he did.  He has to do that in 60 days and follow the recommendations of the assessment.  We are not worried about it, he is not a drunk by any means, it is just one more expensive invasive thing we have to do.  BF did make it so she has to do it too though.   

Now, they have a 7 day waiting period, and sing it next week.  This is the crappiest part.  IF, after all of that work, she changes her mind and doesn't sign, the next day we are due to turn in all of our witness lists and evidence to the court. 

I'm wondering, after all of those hours of mediation, if there is a chance she is just going to back out and take it to court at the last minute? 

I can TOTALLY see her convincing herself she was "bullied into agreeing to stuff she is not comfortable with" or something. 

If she signs, it is all over.  We finally have the res time we've always wanted, we finally have the clear and concise rules for everything, we finally can go pretty much No Contact without it being an issue.  Fingers and toes crossed! 

[DreamGirl]

Fingers criss-crossed. 

Hope for the best, hell0kitty. Expect the worst - going to trial- but hope for the best.

The worst wouldn't be all that terrible anyways.

I'm surprised too that she didn't agree to the mutual RO. Unless her attorney advised her being that ROs can restrict you from certain things (jobs, hunting permits, gun purchases, etc.). 

I'm really, really happy for you. 

[hell0kitty]

STILL waiting for her to sign.  She has until this Thursday, then we have to go to court.  Placing bets?  Good thoughts and vibes appreciated! 

[DreamGirl]

STILL waiting for her to sign.  She has until this Thursday, then we have to go to court.  Placing bets?  Good thoughts and vibes appreciated! 

I don't take sucker bets. 

Fingers and toes crossed.

Lots of love and light.

[livednlearned]

Financial abuse?

WTH.

Hope things go your way. Would be nice to see more people here experience normalcy. 

[hell0kitty]

We heard from the mediator late last eve.  The due date to sign is Noon tomorrow.  Turns out the mother called her and wanted to add several more provisions and she wants to take back some of what they agreed to.  

Basically, the mediator stated that they already went over their allotted time, so if they don't sign by Noon tomorrow, or work it out between themselves they need to go in front of the judge.  I'm hoping since she has a new baby and a new unemployed husband and her well ran dry of free attorneys and what not, that she will just give up and sign.  Part of me wishes I could just be on vacation on some tropical island right now and not come back until Friday when it is either over or we know we are preparing for trial. 

Sucky suck suck. I wish there was a little emocon of Animal from the Muppets having a meltdown, because that is what this waiting is making me feel like.

[DreamGirl]

Boundary set.

It's up to her now.

My stepkids' mama did the same thing - wishy washy right up until the 11th hour where she actually signed.

I've seen that kind of pattern around here before.

Even if you do go before a judge, I think your case is pretty solid... .

It will all be OK in the end. 

[ForeverDad]

You already have a decent agreement.  Don't let H feel guilted, obligated or pressured into agreeing to change anything substantial.  Be aware that once he starts agreeing to changes, the boundary is broken and she will feel emboldened to demand more changes.  With that pending agreement, H is in a relatively strong place.  In other words, card game terminology, Let It Ride.

Remember the F.O.G. - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

[hell0kitty]

You were all so right.  You will love this.  I told you it had to be done by no later than 12:00, right?  At 12:40 she responds to the mediator and says "I agree to all of this."

And that is that. It is done.  I had no idea the level of stress this last three years have given me.  When I read that sentence, I burst into tears of relief.  It is so hard to explain.  I am not a crier, I mean seriously, I don't even cry at funerals, and especially do not cry at the office, but I opened it at work, and saw the end right there and was so overwhelmed with this feeling of relief.

I could not have done it without you guys.  Seriously.  The advice you have given from how to write our legal documents to how how to negotiate with her given her disorder.  SO Many of the tools and advice given here have been invaluable through this process.  In many ways I think we relied more on the board that our own attorney for guidance because you all just know and understand. 

Thanks you thank you thank you 

[ForeverDad]

[DreamGirl]

Did I hear there was a dance party to celebrate?

Count me in!

[livednlearned]

I'm so happy for you! 



When I was awarded full custody, it felt like a big iceberg finally melted and moved out of my head.