Officially overwhelmed

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am overwhelmed so completely that I woke up in the middle of the night shaking and feeling like I was about to have a panic attack.
In some ways, I feel as though things must be coming to a head but I've felt that before and then the cycle continues.
My nephew has been staying with us off and on for the last month. He is struggling so much with his Mom's illness. She has been abusive and cruel to him - even going so far as to tell him she didn't want to be his mother any more, packing up his stuff and then dropping him at his grandmother's. He was crushed and threatened to hang himself. My mother was horrified and called us and for the last month, he's been spending more time at our house where there is structure. He has an intake meeting for some supports this week but they can't come fast enough. On Saturday, he watched his mother get pushed down a flight of stairs and he called us to come get him. She has, as usual, been spending time with shady people and needed to get her wallet back. She, luckily, left him in the car (he's 15) and went to get her wallet. No one really knows what transpired but she was pushed down the steps of this house. There must have been some sort of altercation inside because she is also charged with assault and trespassing (there were many witnesses inside the house but no one outside).
I have no idea about what happened but I would imagine with her explosive behaviors she probably wasn't the calmest when she went to get her wallet. When the family went away at Christmas she almost got herself arrested at the airport for being abusive to the staff. My nephew saw that, as well.
Every time her behavior becomes so erratic, we get called in to come and fix it and my husband and I just can't do it. We feel so helpless. We do what we can for my nephew but the constant roller coaster of emotion is taking its toll on him. And me, as well. It's all we talk about. My husband and I bicker because I'm supposed to have solutions I don't have. 
She is supposed to be going for treatment for the eating disorder that is co-morbid with her BPD but she refuses to go. She doesn't answer the phone calls when they call her and has convinced my mother that she can do it on her own.   Last I heard there was maybe a plan to go to a meeting for treatment today, but who knows.
She's so good at manipulating that my Mother can no longer see the choices and responsibility that my sister has for her own actions. She defends my sister even when her choices are clearly wrong.
My sister has never really held a job and my mom supports her financially, as well.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I work in the inner-city at a high stress job and can't seem to keep myself moving forward at work. I was starting to look at beginning my masters degree but that can't happen if there is this much chaos.
I'm officially overwhelmed.

[dramaqueenjs]

I am overwhelmed so completely that I woke up in the middle of the night shaking and feeling like I was about to have a panic attack.
In some ways, I feel as though things must be coming to a head but I've felt that before and then the cycle continues.
My nephew has been staying with us off and on for the last month. He is struggling so much with his Mom's illness. She has been abusive and cruel to him - even going so far as to tell him she didn't want to be his mother any more, packing up his stuff and then dropping him at his grandmother's. He was crushed and threatened to hang himself. My mother was horrified and called us and for the last month, he's been spending more time at our house where there is structure. He has an intake meeting for some supports this week but they can't come fast enough. On Saturday, he watched his mother get pushed down a flight of stairs and he called us to come get him. She has, as usual, been spending time with shady people and needed to get her wallet back. She, luckily, left him in the car (he's 15) and went to get her wallet. No one really knows what transpired but she was pushed down the steps of this house. There must have been some sort of altercation inside because she is also charged with assault and trespassing (there were many witnesses inside the house but no one outside).
I have no idea about what happened but I would imagine with her explosive behaviors she probably wasn't the calmest when she went to get her wallet. When the family went away at Christmas she almost got herself arrested at the airport for being abusive to the staff. My nephew saw that, as well.
Every time her behavior becomes so erratic, we get called in to come and fix it and my husband and I just can't do it. We feel so helpless. We do what we can for my nephew but the constant roller coaster of emotion is taking its toll on him. And me, as well. It's all we talk about. My husband and I bicker because I'm supposed to have solutions I don't have. 
She is supposed to be going for treatment for the eating disorder that is co-morbid with her BPD but she refuses to go. She doesn't answer the phone calls when they call her and has convinced my mother that she can do it on her own.   Last I heard there was maybe a plan to go to a meeting for treatment today, but who knows.
She's so good at manipulating that my Mother can no longer see the choices and responsibility that my sister has for her own actions. She defends my sister even when her choices are clearly wrong.
My sister has never really held a job and my mom supports her financially, as well.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I work in the inner-city at a high stress job and can't seem to keep myself moving forward at work. I was starting to look at beginning my masters degree but that can't happen if there is this much chaos.
I'm officially overwhelmed.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi dramaqueenjs   

I'm so sorry about all the drama and problems with your sister.   Sounds like you mom is playing the role of a rescuer.

My nephew has been staying with us off and on for the last month. He is struggling so much with his Mom's illness. She has been abusive and cruel to him - even going so far as to tell him she didn't want to be his mother any more, packing up his stuff and then dropping him at his grandmother's. He was crushed and threatened to hang himself. My mother was horrified and called us and for the last month, he's been spending more time at our house where there is structure.

Sounds like your nephew could use some stability. Might things go easier for your nephew if someone gets custody of him and he is left in a stable environment?  Perhaps there would be less drama with that situation.

I hear that you are very stressed.  Panic attacks are no fun.  I've experienced them in the past.  You need to take care of yourself and your relationship with your husband.  Do you have some things you do to manage stress?  Perhaps some form of exercise, mindfulness, meditation or breathing exercises?

You may want to consider setting some personal boundaries to protect your health and well being and that of your marriage.   Perhaps someone needs to get legal custody of your nephew and restrict visits with his mom until she stabilizes.  Has child protective services ever been consulted?  Is your nephew's father in the picture?

[dramaqueenjs]

My nephew's father is somewhat in the picture but is now engaged with a set of twins and a second set due and second now.
Years ago protective services were called on my sister but my mom covered things up and so no supports were put in place. I'm hoping that the meeting to provide supports and counselling for my nephew on Friday will help trigger some services for them.
We are happy to provide some stability for my nephew. He does pretty well here and we work on homework and learn together and then go and shoot some pool in the basement or go do other fun activities. We have negotiated a plan with him for school that involves a reward for not skipping classes for a week and should he meet that goal, we will negotiate another plan. The problem is every time we make progress, my sister starts to panic, takes him back and then the cycle starts all over.
I'm a dancer and an athlete so I run to try to burn off the stress. The benefit to the stress my sister is causing is that my run times are pretty darn fast right now.
The good news that has happened since my first post is that my sister went for an intake meeting about treatment for herself and has a follow up next week. I am cautiously optimistic that she will follow through but have to keep some boundaries.
It's hard. I feel like I'm parenting my nephew (which is fine - he's a kid) but also the rest of my family. Everyone seems to expect me to be able to just fix things. I don't know how to explain that I don't have the answers they think I do.
BPD is exhausting to deal with. I'm doing my best to support my family but I always wonder just how long it will be before the switch gets flipped and I'm the "bad guy" again. Somewhere along the lines, my mother has forgotten that she has TWO children. I either get forgotten, vilified or used as a surrogate spouse when she's lost. My mother tries so hard to protect my sister all the time that I worry it does more harm than good.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey dramaqueenjs 

I feel like I'm parenting my nephew (which is fine - he's a kid) but also the rest of my family . . .I'm hoping that the meeting to provide supports and counselling for my nephew on Friday will help trigger some services for them.

I hope the meeting goes well. If somehow, you could get your nephew to stay with you until he graduates high school, it might make things easier for you in the long run. All the back and forth and drama with your sister is crazy making behavior.

I'm a dancer and an athlete so I run to try to burn off the stress. The benefit to the stress my sister is causing is that my run times are pretty darn fast right now. 

  Good for you   Exercise is a great way to tame stress.

  My mother tries so hard to protect my sister all the time that I worry it does more harm than good.

  I think you are right.  Enabling is counter productive.  I'm sorry that your mom isn't there for you. It has to be frustrating to see your mom be so consumed by issues with your sister.

I hope things go well with the Friday meeting.  Let us know how it goes.  Keep running and dancing.