five years out / no contact / saw his image today / almost threw up

[letmeout]

Five years out of the marriage but I recently heard that he remains on his smear campaign trying to convince himself and everyone else that I was the one who was BPD and I did the bad things that he actually did. 

It never ends for them I guess... .

I hadn't been on this board in a while, but seeing his photograph online today almost made me vomit so I decided to come in to get a booster shot. 

I maintain no contact and haven't seen an image of him in a long time, so I wonder why I had that reaction?

I did some EMDR therapy in November to desensitize some trauma that his abuse caused that keeps interfering with my life.  Maybe that is why I had such a strong reaction to seeing his face?

[Dutched]

I don’t know if I can give you a booster shot, I’ll try.  
Being out for some longer now and I recognise what you say.  

Rewriting history almost seems a very typical trait.
Justification in order to coop with themselves, to suppress emotions, to sooth their inner turmoil, to confirm for themselves that we were the persecutor, etc., etc.  You know.
Confabulation is common for pwBPD, as that ‘feelings becomes facts’.

I recognise your reaction seeing his photo, had it similar seeing exw in person after a while
I was surprised to see how exw looked, pale, dead eyes, very ordinary dressed.

A few yrs. ago that exw waved at me (sitting there with her bloke, so feeling strong), so I approached her…
In fact I was shocked to see her. A mirror of that bloke (named Onslow – UK tv-series-  by her intimae), eyes dead, no sparkling, no joy to see, although sitting next to her ‘the best ever happened to me’.  

Seeing now and then some intimae, the subject pops up for a minute of course, more as these intimae now recognises her behaviour.
Some recent photos shown to me are that what I predicted. Exw is attached with a bloke almost 70 (exw mid 50), can’t break up as she will completely, lose her masks, lives as make believe, still that dead eyes and a perfect match (by appearances, seemingly with a rude/offending way of expressing too as that bloke ) with her mirror.
More, so thin, as the girl I once met when she was 17yrs.old, not the woman that I lived with.  
Seeing her next to her Michelin puppet shaped man, It was daddy's girl, nothing more.

Maybe as seeing her live and on pictures during these yrs., I could see her deterioration. Maybe therefore my reaction was not as strong as yours was
It is not the woman I thought I knew, it is just a woman that perfectly fits to that old bloke.
In retrospect, never the woman that fitted me.

It reminds me however of all that woman destroyed (is see it that way) as also kids are heavily affected by all.
Then, I get the reaction you mentioned.

[talks to angels]

Letmeout LOL I have the same reaction. Think its our gut repelling evil.

[letmeout]

LOL talks to angels. That must be it! He was pretty nasty looking in his photo; really aged badly and by the look in his eyes I could tell instantly that he is still sick in the head. I think it was that evil look in the eyes that made me almost