I Packed What I Could Into My Car & Ran Away

[Bellerie]

We were together nearly 5 years. His greatest skill was manipulation. He was both verbally and emotionally abusive, possessive and got a thrill from being physically aggressive. He talked about getting a gun to protect what was his and gave me the whole, "If I can't have you no one can". I finally put two and two together and created an exit plan after I felt my life was becoming more and more endangered each and every day. He said we needed to communicate more and when I would communicate with him, I talked too much. When I stopped talking, I had an attitude and was being a brat. He accused me of cheating before and after work. He accused me of every and anything.

After the relationship ended, I found out that he told family members lies, including that I was molested by a male family member (which isn't true). He managed to alienate me from many friends but thankfully not family! It ended when I called the cops... .again. He finally broke up with me after many attempts to break up on my end and he assured me that we would not resign our lease. When he found out I gave my 60 day notice, he flipped out on me! He destroyed our apartment, threatened me, stole from me, was physically aggressive with me and "packed" my stuff for me. He told me to leave and he was going to make me leave.

He manipulated the situation and met the cops in the parking lot (I didn't know that). He told them lies, in which I found out after talking to my mother (she called the cops from another state and they spoke with her). He hid my keys, wallet and items that I could not leave without (after he screamed to the cops that I needed to leave and many other choice words). The cops advised me to file an injunction and advised me to leave (bc my mom told them she'd find somewhere for me to go). I left with one shoe, a few items and a dog. That night he told the cops I was upset over a love quarrel... .What love quarrel? This was over a lease renewal! After an attempted restraining order failed, the following day, I had a cop escort me to get some things and I fled to another state.

I feel safe now, but the harassment and control still continues. I've blocked his number and he contacts me from numbers on the internet. I haven't spoken to him since the day of the incident. In the messages, it goes from begging me to come back, to it's my fault. He wanted me gone and that was my way out. I'm not mourning the relationship because that ended emotionally for me months before the incident. I am struggling to gain my sanity and peace of mind back. I used to be so confident but I looked in the mirror and I don't recognize the woman I see anymore. The things he has said and done haunt me every day and I second guess myself. He beat me down emotionally and it was becoming physical. I left my jobs and I was almost done with my bachelor's degree :'( But I knew if I went back to that apartment, eventually I'd pay for the entire incident...

I guess I'm looking to tell my story and seek advice from those that have relationships with someone w/ BPD. I know I've made the right decision! I landed a great job five days after moving, thank God and I want to enroll in school where I am! I am so thankful, but I need this mental nightmare to end so I can pick up the pieces of my life.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S,  Bellerie! 

Although you may feel like you don't recognize the woman you see in the mirror, clearly she is a complete bad-as$!  She has confidence and courage and willingness in spades.  Leaving this r/s is proof you have those traits (and then some). 

I hope you will acknowledge this wholeheartedly and repeatedly as you walk through your new daily life!

Which is not to suggest that the abuse didn't have an impact.  No doubt it did and your emotional and mental wounds need tending to, for sure. 

I just hope that you will let BOTH be TRUE.  Because both are true.  You went through a lot, lost confidence, sanity and peace of mind.  A N D ... .you are a bad-as$ for getting out.  For having stayed in school while you were in, for almost being done with your Bachelor's, and for getting OUT.  You are wounded AND strong. 

My ex stalked me for a solid 10 months until he got locked up for an incident unrelated to our relationship.  The book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker gave me a strategy (no response) and confidence that I could "do it."  It was hard and scary, and I was full of doubts that no response was the right response, but I stayed the course and it finally seems, 2.5 years later and he's now out of prison, that he finally let go.  I was so grateful for that book,  bpdfamily, and my family that helped me stay the course and get through it. 

Although I did not pursue a restraining order, I did document every single contact he made in the event that I needed it down the road.  I would definitely encourage you to do so as well.  Hopefully you won't need it, but I'd suggest you do it just in case.

Congrats again.  You can so do this.  Because you ARE DOING THIS!   

XOXO
RML

[heartandwhole]

Hi Bellerie,



I'm very sorry that you had to literally run from your home in order to resolve the problems in your relationship, and that your ex. is not letting go. That is such a difficult position to be in. I can fully understand why you wanted to get away and start over. I commend you for having the courage to make a move, as difficult as it was.

I guess I'm looking to tell my story and seek advice from those that have relationships with someone w/ BPD. I know I've made the right decision! I landed a great job five days after moving, thank God and I want to enroll in school where I am! I am so thankful, but I need this mental nightmare to end so I can pick up the pieces of my life.

You have found a great place for support. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. And the site has tons of tools and resources that can help make things better for you. And things really DO get better, Bellerie. They have for me, and they can for you, too. 

Do you have family, old, and maybe new, friends to lean on as you rebuild your life? It helps so much to have a good support system around you. Have you thought of going to some therapy sessions? It really helped me sort out what I had been through after my breakup.

Keep writing, it really helps to share. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Bellerie]

ReclaimingMyLife,

Thank you so much for the supportive words and for the encouragement! I'm sorry it took me this long to reply, as I couldn't find the reply button . As for your situation, I'm happy that he has finally moved on, even though you said it has took unrelated prison time and 2-1/2 years. Not to mention 10 months of stalking  ... .I could only imagine! It's been a few weeks but 10 months is crazy!

But overall, I want you to know that you have truly inspired me to look at this situation in a different way. It's also comforting to talk with people that understand BPD, as I've noticed many people don't understand because they weren't in a relationship with someone who had BPD themselves.

Thank you again, and I hope you had an awesome week!

[Bellerie]

heartandwhole,

Thank you so very much for your words of strength and encouragement! You are absolutely right. Just posting to this site and reading the stories of others has already began to help me better understand the situation for what it is. Since I moved, once I get acquainted to my new job, I plan to seek counseling and therapy. Once again, I want to thank you because it makes me feel better to talk to people that understand BPD. My friends and family are supportive but I can tell they don't really "get it" because they didn't have a relationship with someone with BPD. I also hope you had an awesome week!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

But overall, I want you to know that you have truly inspired me to look at this situation in a different way.

Good for you!  Because you ARE a badas$.  Already!  Getting out of a BPD and/or abusive relationships is hard.  But you did it. YOU GOT OUT!

A Course in Miracles says a miracle is a change in perspective.  And that any one of us can have a miracle anytime if we are willing to see things differently.  Sometimes I have to work really hard to see it differently, but if I stick with it I can always find the miracle.

This has been very helpful and healing in my life.  Which is NOT to suggest that we disregard the original perspective and/or the wounds that were created and need healing.  Instead, both can (and are) true.  We can be wounded and strong.  Scared and moving forward. etc. etc. 

Keep up the good work!

XOXO
RML