Dumped, Went No Contact, Can't Move On, Should I Try To Get Her Back?

[MiserableMostly]

Hi - I've been posting on the ':)etaching' forum for a while. I've been trying to detach from my exBPDgf, but now I'm 90 Days out with No Contact and it's suddenly become very difficult for me to let go. Whereas before I had her blocked on almost everything, now I've unblocked her. All of her social media is private so I can't see anything but I've been doing very unhealthy things like stalk her friends Instagram accounts to see what she likes, and ruminate about what she's doing based on when she signs on to GChat. My therapist believes that my inability to move on is due to the fact that I believe we're still going to get back together and that I might consider breaking No Contact even if just to get a wake up call that she's not going to be able to give me what I want. So basically what I want to know from this forum is: If I was to pursue re-opening a relationship with my BPDex, what steps would I have to take at this point?

Long story short, we worked together for about two months on a project... .then we dated for about four months. I went home for Thanksgiving and that triggered her fear of abandonment, for three weeks upon my return she devalued me. Until finally she felt so overwhelmed that we had to take a break. Six days into the break I call her and she broke up with me. She had already gone on a couple of dates at that point... .I don't know with who. There's an NPDex in the picture as well who she was texting the entire time we were dating. It's possible she's with him now, I have no idea what she's up to though.

She was adamant about remaining friends and in contact. Assured me that it wasn't unlikely that we'd get back together. I took that as textbook manipulation just to string me along in case her current person didn't work out. I pushed for No Contact, told her not to take it personally, that I needed it to process this. She was cordial and supportive of that saying I need to respect your process. And she did. She hasn't contacted me since then. Just pfff gone out of my life forever. It honestly makes me angry that I haven't heard anything from her. I thought that she would have reached out to me by now. I told her I would leave the door open for communication in case her mind changed. I guess it hasn't.

Some things that people on the other board suggested was 1) that she has totally devalued me because she knows I care about her and still want her. As long as I care about her she won't want me back. OR 2) She is still with the replacement and is infatuated with him, not even thinking about me OR 3) My own theory is that the thought of me triggers feelings of shame or whatever negativity and so she is physically repulsed by the though of contacting me.

So, it's been 90 days. We haven't spoken. Is there anything I can do at this point?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Whose idea was NC?

Do you want to save the relationship?

[Mutt]

She was adamant about remaining friends and in contact. Assured me that it wasn't unlikely that we'd get back together.

A pwBPD don't live in the past or in the future, they live in the present moment, what that in mind, she probably meant what she said but how she feels can change.
 

Just pfff gone out of my life forever.

Nobody can be certain that their exes will be out of their life forever, I'd also like to add to what I said about a pwBPD living in the present, you mentioned that she devalued you for three weeks, it can awhile for a pwBPD to return to their emotional baseline.

Your T asked a good question, are you done with the r/s? We can't tell you what to do, we can help you with making your decision by offering advice.

[MiserableMostly]

No Contact was my idea. Mainly because that's how I tend to deal with all relationships. I feel you can't be friends with someone you dated unless you don't talk for a long time. She didn't want to do No Contact, she wanted to be friends right away... .but that was too hard for me at the time especially since it seemed like I was being replaced.

"Saving the relationship" seems a bit much. That relationship is over. It ended over 90 days ago. I would consider this an entirely new relationship whatever that entails. But, I want to try again knowing what I know now about BPD. Even if it blows up and I get confirmation that this just will never work. I miss her, even thought she probably doesn't miss me. I did things that exacerbated this break up because I didn't know what I was dealing with. I don't think I'll ever have an amazing relationship with her but I want to try bringing her back into my life and see what is there if anything.

[Mutt]

I like your idea with resetting the r/s and starting over. That's the silver lining with a r/s with a pwBPD it teaches you about where you need self work in r/s's, for example my exuBPDw  taught me that how I talk can be invalidating and hurtful to others, she also taught me that I don't always have to be right and to accept things just as how they are. You probably already know this but the lessons are on the right side of the board, you can carry these r/'s in different areas in life and not just with a pwBPD.

[MiserableMostly]

What can I do at this point? It's been 90 days. Is it even worth trying? What do I even do?

[Mutt]

If it were me, I'd remain open to the idea if and when I hear back from her and keep busy with other things in life, do some self work, learn about BPD and the tools, taking care of myself, connect with family and friends etc... .You can do both and if you meet someone else then you've gotten better at r/s's if you do the work. It's win win.

[once removed]

What can I do at this point? It's been 90 days. Is it even worth trying? What do I even do?

hey MiserableMostly,

kudos for seeking advice on reestablishing the relationship, you dont have to do this alone.

i think its a very helpful attitude to consider the prior relationship over, and anything to come as a new relationship. doing things the old way is probably not a winning formula.

it sounds like the first step to take is to reopen the lines of communication, and since you asked her not to contact you, the onus is on you to reopen those lines and reach out. is that something you want to do?

[Meili]

I was going to ask the same thing that OR asked, but a bit differently: Are you ready to try to re-open the lines of communication and to accept the outcome no matter what it is?

What can I do at this point? It's been 90 days. Is it even worth trying? What do I even do?

I reached out to my uBPDexgf after six weeks of NC initiated by me. She was receptive to talking and trying to be friends. She, eventually, was open to the idea of trying to start a new r/s.

Also, after 10 years of NC with my dBPDexw, (she contacted me out of the blue), I've been able to repair that relationship and we've become friends.

How did you and your ex normally communicate? Many people find it easiest to send a simple text message or email just saying hello and letting their ex know that they are thinking about them or a specific memory that they shared together.

Something like:

Hey! I know that it's been a while, but I was at that restaurant that we used to go to and it made me think of you, so I wanted to say Hi.

After initial contact is made, it's best to stay away from talk of the old relationship unless she brings it up. The idea is to be friendly and keep things light.

Make sense?

Some people find it helpful to post a draft for others to comment on. I don't know if that's something that would work for you or that you'd be comfortable doing. I just wanted to let you know that we are here to support you if that would be helpful.

[MiserableMostly]

So many people have told me its on her to reach out to me. But I know that I could reach out to her and it would be fine. But yeah I don't think I'm prepared for the results emotionally. I'm pretty confident she'll respond cordially like a friend. But I might get hooked back in to waiting for the next text which would be very bad. If she doesn't respond at all (which is unlikely based on what I know about her and how she's dealt with others) that would probably send me into a tailspin. The best reaction I could hope for would be some kind of psychotic anger that makes me see she's truly crazy, but she's not that type of BPD.

So I don't know if I'm ready for the consequences of me messaging her. I think I'll probably wait a little longer and see if she reaches out to me. I suppose that's still a possibility. And maybe in the meantime I'll grow more and be more prepared.

But if I were to message her it would probably be just a picture of something that reminds me of her or something we shared. No words.

[livednlearned]

it's suddenly become very difficult for me to let go.

Is something going on right now that might explain this?

What is different now?

[MiserableMostly]

I think it's because I anticipated a reach out on my birthday and it didn't come. So I was probably holding onto that as hope. And now I'm basically started the grieving process anew.

Also after my birthday I unblocked her on everything. And although all her social media is private I was able to look at what she was liking on Instagram and Facebook and see when she signed onto GChat and that set me back because it gave me new information to ruminate about.

Finally, whereas before and leading up to my birthday I've been doing an excellent job of maintaining a busy social calendar, I started to get tired because it was a lot of effort. And this week I have so much work to do that my social calendar is empty. It's amazing how quickly that dries up if you don't put in massive amounts of effort.

[livednlearned]

I understand. Feeling alone, or feeling lonely, can really bring a recent break-up back front and center. All the feelings we don't really want to feel come flooding back.

Feeling needy (how she might interpret it) is likely to be off-putting, unfortunately. It's confidence and strength that are attractive.

Since there was a difficult event recently, and a hard one at that (birthdays are tough!), can you give yourself a time period to grieve and maybe even sit with the feelings? Lean in, as they say?

Then regroup when you have your sea legs back under you.

Reaching out to her at at time when you are vulnerable and in need of reassurance could make things risky for you, and send signals to her that you're back only because you're lonely, and not because you want her, if that makes sense.

People at BPD tend to be extremely intuitive and hypersensitive to emotional cues.

LnL

[MiserableMostly]

Yes, I agree with everything you've said. I'm not ready to reach out. It kind of helps on both levels. One maintaining No Contact is good for the sake of me perhaps getting over my ex. But two, maintaining No Contact also avoids me presenting myself to my ex in a way that is unflattering.

I don't think I'm in a position of strength here either way. The break up shattered me. And she broke up with me I resorted to pathetic attempts to get her to change her mind. I didn't beg. But I reacted very emotionally and squirmed. I'm sure she took some pleasure in seeing that she had that much power over someone. I'm sure in her mind I'm pathetic and weak anyway.

So it's really a no win situation. I can't do much other than work on myself and become someone who is not pathetic and weak. I think if she reached out to me now I'd have to be totally honest and say, 'I'm really sad that we're not together. I wish we could be. But I'm not ready to be in a relationship with you. And I don't want to be friends.'

I'd like to also be able to add, 'I wish we could be together. I think you're the most amazing person in the world. Some of my best memories are with you. I cherished every moment we spent together. I miss you every day. I wish we could be together or even be friends. But you didn't treat me right. So now we can't be.'

Both those scenarios involve me not keeping her in my life. If I can work on myself enough to not need her, I wonder if I'd be able to accept that. She didn't treat me right. She dumped me and replaced me. It's a Catch-22 anyway. What kind of person would want to get back together with someone who treated them so poorly? A weak, pathetic person in her mind, I bet. So why would she want that? Maybe as a temporary fix if she's lonely. But it would be short-lived.

So what can I do? It feels like nothing. If I stay away, I don't get her back. If I go back, I also don't get her back because she'll think I'm a loser for coming back.

[MiserableMostly]

One more thing - throughout our entire relationship she was obsessively texting her NPDex. It was emotional cheating. She never got back together with him I think, and didn't physically cheat but she was obsessed with him. They dated on and off for two years and he cheated on her three times. She said she was addicted.

Seemed like now she has the utmost respect for this person. Why? Because he treated her like garbage. And she thinks she's garbage. So she respects him. Not only because she wants his approval but because she knows he's right.

I, on the other hand, treated her like she was the most amazing person. She knows she isn't. So she thinks I'm stupid and pathetic. She has no respect for me. And that showed once she began the devaluation phase.

It's totally twisted and backwards thinking. But it begs the question... .what does that make me? I am putting her on a pedestal and treating her with the utmost respect. Just like she did to her NPDex. She treated me like garbage. Does that mean I agree with her?

[Meili]

So what can I do? It feels like nothing. If I stay away, I don't get her back. If I go back, I also don't get her back because she'll think I'm a loser for coming back.

You can become the strongest, most attractive you that is possible. If you do that, perhaps she'll become attracted to you and want to come back all on her own.