Hi Esvee and
I'll relate what you wrote to my understanding of this disorder. Hopefully some of what I write will be helpful to you.
When I met my friend ( and colleague) about 4 years ago, we clicked instantly and she became very close to me and my family. At the beginning, she idealized me and I always felt that I am being treated as someone I am actually not.
I understand that your relationship with your uBPDfriend and colleague is not romantic. But what you write: "click[ing] instantly" and "became very close [quickly]" sounds a lot like the seduction phase that people experience with their BPD significant others.
And then within a year, the discord started.
And the up and down nature of your relationship sounds very much like "a pattern of intense and unstable relationships... .often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)" which is one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.
She started feeling that I am not being there for her enough, I don't understand her enough, and that I am not the person I projected to be when we met.
For people with BPD (pwBPD), how they feel in their interpersonal relationships may be dictated more by the dynamics of their disorder rather than the dynamics of the relationship. After all, you have probably not changed so much over these four years. But the way she perceives you has probably changed many times over the duration.
I felt as if I am always walking on eggshells with her. At any given point of time, it was impossible for me to judge her mood. There were days she used to be elated and then there were days that she used to be depressed for no specific reason. It was impossible for me to be myself with her. I had to watch my words and actions because I had no clue what would affect her.Her mood swings took a toll on me and my family.
We have had several break up and make up cycles in the past. We are currently on a break up cycle and I am wondering if I should go and talk to her or allow the relationship to end here.
Another criteria for the diagnosis of this disorder is "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." If you talk to her about allowing the relationship to end, chances are she will perceive that as "abandonment." I understand that it is more considerate to communicate your intentions. Just understand that that she may react poorly no matter what you say.
Best wishes,
Schwing
