Hello from Nevada

[Working Out]

Hello.

My borderline girlfriend broke up with me day after Valentine's because of numerous issues we/I had.
We have been hanging out alot, not as much as we use to obviously and I'm working on.
I have completely changed the way I eat, I am paying attention to her more, listening to her more and realizing what went wrong in our relationship.

I am reading a couple of books on BPD which I should have paid more attention to when I was in the relationship with her and I am feeling like such a fool that I hurt her by not understanding.

She has told me that she wants to see these improvements I have been making last longer than a month so she can then decide to forgive and let me come back. I'm falling more in love with this girl every day so I hope she does.

I joined this group as another support tool so if she takes me back (which is looking very likely) we can have a long and successful relationship.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi,

Welcomes and hello  

How long were you together and what caused the break-up?

Is she diagnosed BPD?

What are things like when you hang out?

Glad you posted.

LnL

[Meili]

I want to join LnL in welcoming you.

I hope that you are able to have the relationship with her that you want.

This place is great for support. Reading the threads of others, you'll likely see that you are not alone in your experiences. If you share more of your own story, we can probably support you better.

It's great that you're reading and learning about BPD. There are links to some really good articles in the sidebar to the right that will hopefully help you better understand and give you the foundation for tools that will help your situation.

I look forward to reading your posts and learning more about what is going on in your relationship.

[Working Out]

Hi,

Welcomes and hello  

How long were you together and what caused the break-up?

Is she diagnosed BPD?


What are things like when you hang out?

Glad you posted.

LnL

She is diagnosed and attends weekly  therapy.
Together a 14 months and she broke up with me because I lied to her about spending money on junk food repeatedly. She is a fitness and health buff and wanted the same for me. I'm doing so much better now and she sees this.

Things are pretty good when we are hanging out besides my emotions getting in the way when I suddenly realise we are no longer a couple and I can't hold her hand or kiss her. When she goes home at night and there is no goodnight kiss and I have to sleep alone. That is hard.
We are getting closer emotionally now that we are communicating better and I am falling more in love with her than ever before. All I want to do is love support her.

[Working Out]

So tonight after our gym session I told her I am still working on my self and will continue to do so but next Friday I'd like to take you on a date, no commitment just a date and we can continue hanging out as just friends until then. She said yes

[livednlearned]

Nice!

One quick note about hiding your love for junk food  

People with BPD have no boundaries. So, part of loving you means that she expects you to become like her. Sort of a merger fantasy -- which may feel wonderful when you're on the same page, but hellish when you aren't. And being on the same page about everything is not sustainable, so the crash is inevitable.

You want to get back together with her and that's understandable. The key going forward is to help her tolerate the distress she feels when you are not behaving exactly like she wants (or demands).

There are skills you can learn to help with this. Some of this we do with words (validation) and some with actions (assert boundaries).

It takes a lot of strength to be in a BPD relationship -- she is going to lose respect for you if she is able to crush you with her emotional dysregulations. Losing respect will lead to devaluation.

The key is to know your values, your boundaries, and be able to weather her storms without making things worse.

It's a balancing act  

Her breaking up with you is probably about something much more powerful than whether or not you scarf down ho-hos in your car

LnL

[Working Out]

Nice!

One quick note about hiding your love for junk food  

People with BPD have no boundaries. So, to part of loving you means that she expects you to become like her. Sort of a merger fantasy -- which may feel wonderful when you're on the same page, but hellish when you aren't. And being on the same page about everything is not sustainable, so the crash is inevitable.

You want to get back together with her and that's understandable. The key going forward is to help her tolerate the distress she feels when you are not behaving exactly like she wants (or demands).

There are skills you can learn to help with this. Some of this we do with words (validation) and some with actions (assert boundaries).

It takes a lot of strength to be in a BPD relationship -- she is going to lose respect for you if she is able to crush you with her emotional dysregulations. Losing respect will lead to devaluation.

The key is to know your values, your boundaries, and be able to weather her storms without making things worse.

It's a balancing act  

Her breaking up with you is probably about something much more powerful than whether or not you scarf down ho-hos in your car

LnL

I never really learned to validate or stand my ground with her 2 things she said I need to work on.

For example if I want a big ol' bowl of ice cream and she has a fit how can I calm the situation down?