Hi qawifem,
I'm having a rough day of nothing but fatigue, fogginess and emptiness. I thought I might come here for support from people who might really directly relate to it.
It's been a few weeks since I had one of those now.
But they still happen from time to time.
I write this as someone who - once, not so long ago - considered ending his own life, because the grief, the emptiness, the shame and the guilt were boundless.
I'm not saying it stops hurting - cause it doesn't - not for me.
But it becomes much, much less intense. With time.
And we become much, much better at caring for ourselves.
And
coping... .coping with days (or weeks) like the one you've described.
What are you doing for self care?
Have you tried keeping a gratitude journal?
One technique I learned early in the recovery process, was that the searing pain we experience in the grieving & recovery, can be eased by gratitude.
Rumination can overwhelm you, like a computer virus. Gratitude journals were and continue to be my personal antidote.
.
.
On days live the one you've described, I recognised that living 'a happy life' on those days was not my goal.
My goal on those days was just to survive.
Because no matter had bad the thought or emotion - it will pass. Always.
And knowing that makes it easier somehow - so you just keep on surviving.
And you keep surviving. And somewhere along the line, you realise that you are living. And that you have been living.
And you can't really tell where you stopped surviving and began living again. But you know it's happening.
And then you have a really sh**ty day. But you've survived worse. And you'll survive this too.
Now... .the pain is incomparably less intense. The ruminations are fleeting.
But I know exactly what you are going through. Because I've been there.
When you come out of a disordered relationship -
at first, all you can do is survive.
I'm just not sure where to turn to at the moment. I don't see my therapist for another week, and I still need to call the nurse in her building for medication consultation. I've been doing so well lately, but I still fall into these terrible depressive spells of feeling nothing but apathy and guilt and no passion for anything.
This is completely normal.
This is actually part of the recovery process.
But the guilt - the guilt is something you must recognise is something you are feeding yourself.
What happened was
not your fault.We can examine our behaviours in these relationships.
We learn and grow immensely, despite and probably because of, the overwhelming pain and grief.
But if you have acknowledged this was a disordered relationship - you must also acknowledge that what happened was
not your fault.My depression was extra strong when I was with my ex. You could say that my 7 year relationship (4 years dating) with him just made any pre-existing neuroses stronger. But even now that he's out of the picture I'm still haunted by lingering heartbreak and insults and good days that may not have even be as good as I thought they were. I had an awful dream last night where I was living next door to him and we were weirdly back together but not. It felt absolutely terrible and like everything I don't want.
The dreams are something to do with processing. I've had them with all past partners - disordered or not.
They will fade. But I still experience them from time to time.
Actually, I had one last night, which is quite odd, as my present state of mind, would be best described as a process of disassociation.
It feels as though the relationship never happened. I don't know that person anymore and wonder how much I ever did know her I suppose.
I still have the memories and the pain to prove it was real.
I've lived with the memories of her over twice and nearly thrice now as long as I ever actually knew her. Strange.
I feel like I'm in high school again, where I'd get home from school and sleep for hours until dinner.
This is a good sign. Your body is healing from stress.
If you need rest - then rest!
Can you see yourself externally? In the third person?
Can you see what that woman has been through?
Emotional trauma and psychological warfare... .does she not deserve some rest?
I did the exact same thing today after my internship. I guess I just need any possible words of relating or encouragement that this won't last forever, even if it feels like it will... .I really hate feeling this empty and drained on and off from emotional trauma. I feel like I can't be a good friend or daughter this way and I wish memories and scars from my ex weren't cut so deep.
I suppose before I could resume being a good friend or son, first I had to be good to myself - a thought process which was anathema to me at the time.
Can you relate to that sentiment?
When you're drowning in guilt and shame - it seems repugnant and narcissistic... .doesn't it?
I won't lie - The memories and scars don't disappear. I don't believe they ought to either.
Like I said - the pain becomes vastly less intense.
But much like touching a naked flame - your Central Nervous System warns you not to repeat that, through pain.
The same applies with disordered relationships - as you come through the recovery process, your healthy relationship detecting abilities are going to be massively enhanced in the future as a result of these memories and scars.
