I need help building boundaries and letting go

[KimCoco]

I used to think "I need to learn how to be a better support system for my pwBPD!" But I actually think I need to stop trying to "save" her, stop trying to be the hero that handles life for her.

The trouble is, she is very sensitive, her feelings get hurt very easily and even if I try to extract myself gently so that she's forced to take care of herself, she sees that as abandonment and like I'm being cold. It started as a bit of a running joke, that she loves to be nurtured and taken care of because that's how her Mom was with her Dad, but I actually think there are other reasons. The more I do (drive, handle our money, soothe her when she's anxious, keep in touch with her family, cook, clean, shop, mow the lawn etc etc etc) the less she does, and the more dependant she gets.

Am I right to think I need to stop doing everything for her? Or is that a reality of living with a pwBPD? She's started DBT but I need to know what I can do to help her, and not hinder her progress.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Focus on yourself, how you feel about these things, not "what she needs".

If you feel unhappy, or resentful when you do things for her, that is a clue you are doing too much, and you could stop doing those things.

If she becomes critical about how you do things for her, stop doing those too.

Both these are focused on how you are feeling about it, not "what she needs"

If you feel happy, loving, and generous doing something for her, that's a clue that you are doing it for the right reason.

You listed a bunch of things you are doing for her. The right answer may not be the same for all of them; For example, keeping in touch with her family for her seems like one of the least healthy ones. OTOH, cooking and cleaning is something you have to do for yourself much of the time, so cook food and she can join you for a meal. And clean the house, or at least parts of it that you use, to a standard that works for you.

[KimCoco]

If you feel unhappy, or resentful when you do things for her, that is a clue you are doing too much, and you could stop doing those things.

If she becomes critical about how you do things for her, stop doing those too.

Both these are focused on how you are feeling about it, not "what she needs"

If you feel happy, loving, and generous doing something for her, that's a clue that you are doing it for the right reason.

Such simple but effective advice, thank you! It's quite easy now to see which tasks I enjoy - definitely "homemaker" things like chores and cooking. The grey area for me is less "fun" things like taking the rubbish out - neither of us like doing it, but because it causes my partner anxiety, I do it because her reason is more 'valid' than mine. Though if I'm not around, then she can do it herself with minimal fuss.

I don't allow myself to feel unhappy or resentful, because she didn't choose to have borderline. I have the capacity to suck it up and do it, she doesn't - so that tends to be the way it goes.

My partner never criticises how I do chores but there seems to sometimes be a discord between what she THINKS she does, and what she actually does. Is this common?
For example, she'll tell me that she ALWAYS washes her dishes and never just puts them in the sink, because she can't handle dishes in the sink. If I point out that there are currently some of her dishes in the sink, she'll say "well I haven't been that good this week, but usually I always wash them". I don't care to argue about it, but is this a symptom of BPD?

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds a lot like projection to me. It kinda goes like this.

She left dishes in the sink.
She feels bad/guilty/ashamed/etc. about leaving dishes in the sink.
She doesn't have the capacity to deal with the guilt/shame/etc.
She projects it onto you.
Then she deals with her negative feelings about dishes in the sink by throwing them at you.

"You always leave dishes in the sink; I never leave dishes i the sink... ." etc.

I doubt she's aware she's doing it. Although she does (at some level) know she did leave the dishes in the sink and does feel ashamed/guilty about it.


Not arguing about it is a win--it would create more stress and conflict between the two of you, and it really doesn't matter.


Aside: My wife and I came up with the "perfect" way to share washing dishes. I had to wash all dishes on odd days. She had to wash all dishes on even days.

Here was the perfect part about it: Dishes for the day aren't "done" until they are all washed. So if yesterday (the 1st) I hadn't finished washing up the dinner dishes by bedtime, and we got up and made breakfast, I was responsible for breakfast dishes even though today (the 2nd) was her day. And all the dishes until I caught up.

What was really cool about it was that there was no reason to nag the other person to do "their" dishes. The longer I put it off, the fewer dishes my wife would have to do, so why would she nag me?

Also it made it 100% clear to both of us who was responsible... .and it then became easy for one of us to be generous and offer to do the other's dishes, if the other was stressed/overworked/whatever.

[KimCoco]

That sounds like such a good dish washing system! Hopefully we can try it. Although my partner has a lot of things with dishes - they have to be rinsed before they go in the sink, there can't be any food particles anywhere, she won't stick her hand in dirty dishwater to pull the plug out, she hates washing other people's dishes etc.

Having said that though - that's what she SAYS. In practice, she actually does all those things with minimal fuss, if she forgets to think about what she's doing.

It might be hard to get her to agree initially but I'll give it a go!

[isilme]

I envy your dishwashing solution.  He used to do them time to time, but I'm faster, and he worked as a dishwasher in a restaurant for a while and that ended that.  I used to get really upset about it,

I gave up and rationalized that if I lived alone, I'd do all the same chores I do now (kinda all of them).  There would be fewer dishes, less trash overall, and fewer towels, and only my clothes would be unfolded instead of his and mine (he DOES do his own laundry... .most of the time), but I'd still mow the lawn, mop and take care of the pets.  And doing chores gives me a chance to be "busy" and get out of the room if he is cranky and I need a "break".   

So I figured that a big part of the cleaning conflict comes from the fact I am more likely to feels stressed about a messy home. His mom is a hoarder.  He did not grow up with "clean as you go".  When I cook, I am cleaning, too.  The kitchen is often cleaner after I cook than when I started.  Not so for him. 

So I accept that if I want something done, I need to just do it, and if H feels any guilt over it, that's his problem.  I am not a nagger.  It makes me feel ugly, it does no good.  I know since I never ask him to do anything, save take out the trash once a blue moon or change a light bulb I can't reach (and I make sure to say thank you if he does it when asked and especially when not asked), he pretty much keeps quiet about things I can't keep up with as much as I think he'd like. 

Also, there are areas that are definitively HIS, and I do not touch those save to stack things neatly on top if they are in my way (clearing a table for guests).  I clean what I feel is mine or relatively communal.  HIS items are his, and just get piled or put in boxes if I can't stand it anymore.  Eventually, he will freak out and run around like crazy to clean. 

Anyway, regarding the OPs question - yes.  You stop doing things you do not think you should be doing.  Start with a few.  See if you can successfully stop, and ignore the painful comments and looks, and once the new normal is established, move to a new behavior to modify.  Otherwise you just exhaust yourself and enable your pwBPD to exepct even more form you. 

[Olinda]

I feel you, OP.
It's hard for me to let criticism/negativity directed at me roll off my back and not affect me. My love language is words of affirmation, which means that those critical statements are the exact opposite of what I need to feel loved.

I don't want to have to walk on eggshells and be a caregiver instead of a wife. I want to be myself and be loved for who I am.

This is such a struggle.

isilme, i get it that if I lived alone I'd have to do it all but I don't f*&^% live alone and I don't want to be the only one doing the dishes, making the bed, tidying up, etc. I'm so tired of it.

argh. Extremely frustrated today. Thanks for letting me vent.