First Time Poster -- Looking For Guidance in Handling Long Distance BPD Mother

[Wildcat13]

Hello Everyone -- Happy I found this forum.

I recently discovered thru help of a therapist friend - that my mother's behavior towards me which, I always thought was due in part to me - was actually textbook BPD behavior.    Therapist friend pointed this out and gave me some suggested book reading (Walking on Eggshells, etc) which was very helpful in identifying it.

I live across the country (since I thru myself into work which then took me away), in my 40s, married  & I am still close with immediately and extended family - go home for major holidays, etc.  There hasn't been a blowup with my mother for sometime but this most recent one, realized I can't go thru this same cycle over and over again.

One of her sticking points is her belief I always choose family over friends.  The argument being, when I do visit home - I visit friends as well (whereas her belief is I am at home and should always be with family).  Or, if my husband and I have friends out to visit us, it should be family. 

Recently, she became enraged when she learned my husbands friends were coming out to visit us to attend an event in the area.  She had mentioned once (over a year prior) she would someday like to attend such event but obviously I didn't recall that.  From that - I will vilified.  I made a decision to exclude her & am a terrible daughter for doing so.

Then the Facebook postings began - posting (on her page) any and all meme's about choosing family over friends, not spending time with your parents etc., how disappointing children can be -- you name it.  I also found out thru family members she was spread the vitrol about me to them (the campaign of hate)

Obviously, I took a step back from her.  If she texted me, I would answer but otherwise maintained a bit of distance and boundaries. 

Cut to - today an absolute assault via email.  She presented herself as the martyr who raised me correctly (which she accused me that I've never thanked her for) but since I left for college my preference for friends over family was obvious.  She continued on that I clearly have now chosen not to speak with her or therefore include her in anything I do lately because she isn't 'cool' -- and, Her one fault in all of this-- that she never accepted my 'lifestyle' of how I do things. 

Here are my questions -- while now I know this is the BPD talking in so many ways, this attack is particularly stinging because what is based on is not true, out of left field, etc.    I know she 'feels' it is but to me the rational person - I can't keep getting attacked and then being put thru a bashing campaign.  And its infuriating she cannot see that her repeated bashing, being hateful, etc has fueled a lot of this. 

So my questions are how you handle boundaries - how do you defend yourself - how do you know when to stay away and for how long?  How do you stop taking these things personally?  How do you just stop all of this so you stop 'not liking' the BPD in your life?

Thank you in advance for any and all responses. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Wildcat13! 

I too am really glad that you found us and that you've shared some of your story. There will be a lot of helpful members here who can relate to the experiences you have gone through and are going through. There is a wonderful section over on the right side of the Coping and Healing page -------->> > Any sentence you click on will open up and give a greater explanation.

First of all I am glad that you've discovered that it is not your fault!  All those years of believing it... .I too have gone through that with my uBPDm. That's why I am here at C&H to work through the day to day struggles of how I learned to cope which does not always serve me well now that I am a grown adult.

There are blessings to living far away from a pwBPD. I am sorry for the drama your mom is causing you, especially right now. There is something very typical with a BPD, and that is their fear of rejection. It is nearly first and foremost in their minds. Anything that looks like rejection causes them to go off and the results are the rage and attacks that you are currently going through. Of course as an adult, you get to make your own adult decisions, ones that are healthy and nurturing for you. If that is by visiting friends when you come home in order to help you space out the time you visit with family, then by all means this would be a healthy boundary for you. Remember that boundaries are for you, and a BPDperson will not respect them. In fact they'll push up against those boundaries to knock them down, ceaselessly pushing and pushing. How wearying it becomes!

I'll include a couple of links for you to reference.

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

A pwBPD looks to self-soothe, and that is often by attacking and hurting those whom they should be showing love to. I am so sorry that she is doing this. I understand how much it hurts and stings. I am not trying to justify her actions, merely trying to help you see the dynamics so that as you truly "see" them, then you have the  moment and can step back emotionally. That is what helps me, the stepping back emotionally and seeing the facts. Takes some practice to be sure!

Tis a tough journey. I am glad that you have a T friend! Do you get to see a T on a regular basis?

Keep in touch please!
 
Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

Wildcat13: I'd like to join Woolspinner in Welcoming you    

I'm glad that your friend was able to lead you learning that BPD was/is the cause of your mom's behavior.  At the same time, I'm so sorry about the recent blow up with your mom.   .  

One of her sticking points is her belief I always choose family over friends.  The argument being, when I do visit home - I visit friends as well (whereas her belief is I am at home and should always be with family).  Or, if my husband and I have friends out to visit us, it should be family. . .Recently, she became enraged when she learned my husbands friends were coming out to visit us to attend an event in the area.

Then the Facebook postings began - posting (on her page) any and all meme's about choosing family over friends, not spending time with your parents etc., how disappointing children can be -- you name it.  I also found out thru family members she was spread the vitrol about me to them (the campaign of hate)

You will probably want to set a boundary to prevent your mom from learning about other visitors to your home.  That may mean Facebook restrictions, and other means of sharing with your mom.  The less she knows about things that will trigger her, the better.  Social media gives the opportunity for a lot of conflict, especially when a person with BPD is involved.  

So my questions are how you handle boundaries - how do you defend yourself - how do you know when to stay away and for how long?  How do you stop taking these things personally?  How do you just stop all of this so you stop 'not liking' the BPD in your life?  

Boundaries are for your benefit.  It is up to you to defend them consistently.  Your mom won't likely like your boundaries, but it will get easier if you are consistent.  

One boundary might be in regard to what you share with your mom in any form (phone, text, email or social media info.).  Since you know she is jealous of others, it will be best to just not share some things with her.  Some people need to set boundaries regarding offensive texts, emails, etc. (particularly when you are inundated with them).  Sometimes people set a boundary to cut off a phone call or give a brief response to a text or email.  One way to handle it is to say, "Sounds like you are having a bad day.  We can get in touch at a later time"

You can change the level of contact when it feels right for you.  Some people go back and forth between no contact (NC) and low contact (LC).  There may be some event that prompts you to resume contact with your mom, or you might just feel ready to try again.

You don't have any control over your mom's behavior.  The only thing you have control over is yourself and the way you interact with your mom and the way you react to her. While you are in a period of no contact, it can be a good time to learn some COMMUNICATIONS SKILLS and AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

Using VALIDATION (DON'T INVALIDATE) could be helpful. Validation isn't about agreeing with someone, but acknowledging their feelings.  What can be more important than validating, is to NOT invalidate feelings.

Some people like to read lessons and then come back and post to check their understanding and to do some practicing and gain some input. Check out some of the lessons and let us know what you think.

[Wildcat13]

Thank you so much for the information.  I will certainly update as time goes on.  I'm now working with a therapist who has expertise in BPD to help how I respond/place boundaries, etc.