It is okay to wish them a "Friendly Happy B-day"

[bus boy]

Why waste your precious time and energy. You probably gave enough or your valuable inner self to this person, why feed them some more. They have an emotional disorder they will not get genuine normal pleasure out of it just distorted twisted thinking that they still have you mentally. My Xw is wiped clean from my brain, she does not exist, it feels great, I feel free, totally emotionally detached. I have no bad wishes for Xw, no good wishes, no nothing of any kind what so ever just a contented peaceful brain knowing she is gone forever. I smile uncontrollably and have a beautiful feeling come over me when I think of how she is out of my brain how good my life is. Now all my good energy goes to s10 and I, the 2 most important people in my life.

[The Teacher]

Never in a million years, times infinity. There are seven-plus billion people on this planet. I got into a relationship with one with BPD. I kind of regret the day she was born, so I can't imagine wishing her happiness on that particular day. Plenty of people out there to wish her a happy birthday.

Do what adds value to your life.

[Keef]

mar365,

Contemplating if I should wish the unBPDex a happy birthday. I don't see any harm in it and yes I was painted black at the end... .Anyone have any experience with this in the past? No intentions of getting back together... . 

I would turn around the first two words of the subject phrase: Is it ok to wish them a "friendly happy b-day"? Since I guess you haven't yet tried you wouldn't yet know the outcome. We could speculate forever about her reaction. In my opinion it doesn't matter what ever the response, since:

• You could receive an aggressive response.
• You could receive silence (also a way of communicating) - please remember the silent treatment and withholding of communication that emotionally unstable persons more than often use for punishment.
• You could receive a grateful response - but would you trust/believe it? And could you really promise yourself you'd not get sucked back in?

Would any of the above be satisfactory?
I think it is important that you think twice about why you'd be reaching out to your ex. It is not something to take lightly.

Through writing her you would still be engaging in contact and communication, even though you may very well not be interested in getting together again.

It is up to you, but my spontaneous reaction is one of negativity and regret. Why would you want to test yourself like this?

/Keef

[hotncold]

Here are the reasons that I reached out to him:

He NEVER, in 5 years, wished me a happy birthday - but I knew that birthdays for him were hard to handle, and I decided that I would feel worse NOT wishing him a happy birthday, than wishing him one. In the end, he never got my message because he said he doesn't read his emails on his birthday - so I never got an answer, except he contacted me a few days later in an attempt to draw me into a love triangle with the replacement... .Do I regret sending him the message? No, because I probably would have felt like I was abandonning him if I hadn't... .it's screwed up. But I was thinking about him a lot, and NOT sending it would have been an act of holding on to my hurt. So I did the opposite. It changed nothing in the relationship, except I felt good doing it. That's all. Two months later, my birthday rolled around - and... .silence. As I move forward his actions are no longer hurting me - only exposing him for who and what he truly is.

So ask yourself this: let's say no matter what you do has no impact on the relationship. That after the birthday, the relationship will remain exactly the same way (and even that they don't answer you). Would you feel better if you wished them a happy birthday - or didn't wish them a happy birthday? Think about yourself when you make the decision because it is only for yourself that it can truly make a difference. Good luck.

[Skip]

Good advice. 

[FallenOne]

I too am on good terms / friendly with most of my ex's...

Here's the interesting part...

Why is it that I can be on friendly terms with my other ex's and see them accomplishing things in their other relationships (kids, engagement, marriage, etc.) and feel good for them and it doesn't bother me?

But with my BPDex any time I see her doing better or have the thought of her doing one of the above, it hits an emotional nerve, bothers me to my core and makes me wish it was me who she did that with?

Why do you think that is?

Why are we able to be friendly and civil with our normal ex's but not our BPD ex's?

[SoMadSoSad]

I too am on good terms / friendly with most of my ex's...

Here's the interesting part...

Why is it that I can be on friendly terms with my other ex's and see them accomplishing things in their other relationships (kids, engagement, marriage, etc.) and feel good for them and it doesn't bother me?

But with my BPDex any time I see her doing better or have the thought of her doing one of the above, it hits an emotional nerve, bothers me to my core and makes me wish it was me who she did that with?

Why do you think that is?

Why are we able to be friendly and civil with our normal ex's but not our BPD ex's?

No closure? The abrupt end leaves unfinished business? Enmeshment from a borderline cause the two in the relationship to almost become like one? Addiction to the dynamics of the relationship?

[FallenOne]

No closure? The abrupt end leaves unfinished business? Enmeshment from a borderline cause the two in the relationship to almost become like one? Addiction to the dynamics of the relationship?

Does the abrupt end and unfinished business ever bother them though? Or just us?

[SoMadSoSad]

Does the abrupt end and unfinished business ever bother them though? Or just us?

For them it probably comes and goes if their coping mechanisms are effective enough to deal with it which they usually are. Remember though, a lot of people are recycled so... .

[Keef]

mar365 

Let us know how things evolve, keep posting.

Best,
Keef

[mar356]

"mar365 

Let us know how things evolve, keep posting.

Best,
Keef"

Hi Keef,

I decided not to wish happy birthday. I'm content right now with how things are going with no contact. 

[hopealways]

Contemplating if I should wish the unBPDex a happy birthday. I don't see any harm in it and yes I was painted black at the end... .Anyone have any experience with this in the past? No intentions of getting back together... . 

100% do NOT.
NC means NC, any attempt of recycling by you will take you back on all the progress you have done. Toxic people should be avoided, and there is no true chance of being friends with a BPD. Does a real friend treat you the way she did? Love yourself a little more and you won't want to reach out.