Characteristics of the waif or quiet borderline... Anybody have experience?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After reading the different levels of borderline, a lot of this matches the background of this 2nd female. I had an ex that had borerline, but she was much more vocal and had more of the rage (witch). The second female appeared much quieter, but had many similarities. I was having trouble figuring out why the 2nd female was so much more quiet, did not rage, but had the odd characteristics and the CONSTANT push and pull.

Anybody have experience with the waif/quiet borderline? What was it like to date that person? What was it like early on in the relationship, pre-dating?

[JaxWest]

After reading the different levels of borderline, a lot of this matches the background of this 2nd female. I had an ex that had borerline, but she was much more vocal and had more of the rage (witch). The second female appeared much quieter, but had many similarities. I was having trouble figuring out why the 2nd female was so much more quiet, did not rage, but had the odd characteristics and the CONSTANT push and pull.

Anybody have experience with the waif/quiet borderline? What was it like to date that person? What was it like early on in the relationship, pre-dating?

[infjEpic]

The distinctions didn't make sense to me as a 'types', but as 'modes', because I experienced all the modes from one person.

[Torched]

Mine was mostly waif with occasional witch.  Primary mode of control was cold-shouldering that would go on as long as it took and then some.  I would usually continue to get the harsh cold shoulder silent treatment well past giving up on things.  She raged frequently the first few years and then rages became less common, maybe once or twice a year.  Everybody is different.

[JaxWest]

Makes sense... .The ex BPD was more on the queen/witch spectrum. The new one seems to be more waif, with some hermit. I never dated the 2nd one officially. I was just in some sort of weird cycle that just kept happening... .She would get close, then pull away. Treated me like a girlfriend would... .Sought out information about me through friends. She would open up about something, like she wanted to talk. I would offer to listen, she would pull away. If I started to pull away, then she would seek me out.

[Huh?]

My ex was a waif/hermit.  

She was scared of everything, had no friends, liked to be alone, but always needed to be rescued from her family (or whatever) or reassured.

I can't tell you how many times I walk in on her crying, or terrified about some world news event... .thinking ww3 was gonna happen.  She started stocking up on survival food and gear.   My job immediately went to be the consoler, counselor, and pacifier.

No matter how hard I tried to help "solve" her problem at that moment, she would disregard it and throw herself right back into the middle of some drama or triangulated dynamic with a friend or family.

When I supported her dreams with my time or money, she would flat out deny that I had any part in it.  For example, she dreamed of being a photographer... .But she would only use a $4000 camera.  I tried to tell her to start small and get experienced... .then get the expensive camera.  Year after year, she'd lament about how she couldn't afford a camera to be a photgrapher.  She got a couple gigs so she'd rent that expensive camera... .I went on the shoots with her and even taught her to edit the photographs.  I spent many afternoons editing them for her even.   Eventually, I got her to settle for a $1000 camera I bought for her on her birthday.  I supported her when I walked in on her in bed huddled under the covers because she thought no one liked her portraits.

When She ended our engagement, she told me I never supported her photography.  She even denied I went on her shoots, or edited photographs.  

Many more examples like this, I fixed her car "no you didn't". I supported her other dreams and bought her her first flying lesson, "no you didn't".

She even denied I had a ring payment after we got engaged.  She was there when we bought it... .but she said I had no payment.

So it was just constant turmoil, push pull.  She's super quiet, very successful at work, and extremely beautiful.  She prefers to stay home, then go out party.

Behind closed doors, she would rage, gaslight, manipulate, and control.  I love her, and I miss her... .but I had to end it when my gut feeling (plus some evidence) suggested that she cheated on me a couple years after we got engaged... .(she cancelled the wedding when I told her I was going to pursue a masters degree... .she said, I wouldn't have time for her)

I let her string me along for another 2 1/2 years after she kicked me out as a weekend boyfriend she only wanted to see a couple hours a week.  No sex, while "we worked on us."  She continued to accept gifts and trips from me, wanted to have an emotional relationship... .but refused to reciprocate in any way.  I did all the traveling every weekend.  I finally had enough and ended it 8 months ago, haven't heard from her since.  She's the master of the silent treatment,

[JaxWest]

I don't know how many friends this one had to be honest. She was so secretive with all of that. Her friends were off limits, but she sought mine out. No idea.

Her personal life was personal, but mine was open for her.

Whenever I tried to help her with her problems, she would get ultra defensive, then make me seem like I was the crazy one for offering help with something. It was always “I misunderstood her”. It felt like I could never enter that zone.

I never saw her rage, though I did see her get upset and the look that she had resembled something out of Carrie. Just, wow... .That look... .terrified me... She was controlling in the fact that she had absolute control of when we met, if we met... .It was always, you invite me and I will tell you if I can go. But, when I would stop inviting her, she would invite herself or seek out my friends. It was like she never reciprocated anything. I mean, she would invite my friends to things, even though she was not friends and did not have a connection with them before she met me. They all thought it was extremely weird. She did not invite me, but she kept appearing at my things. I had to do all of the work to get the gatherings set up. It made no sense. When she was with me, especially if she stayed behind and it was the two of us, she would act in the way you would expect somebody that was dating would be like. I can't even explain it. I am not sure she will go to these things, but when she went, I was treated like a boyfriend. Confused the heck out of my coworkers that were with us too.

My last interaction was an email about work, then a text, and then her restricting me on facebook. I don't know if that was her version of the silent treatment, because I stopped inviting her to things or what.

[JaxWest]

So, I keep hearing a lot about people being recycled. I am curious with this and the pre-dating stage. I asked this female out and she had shot me down. After that, she seemed to seek me out. She started to treat me as you would expect a girlfriend to behave, not somebody that shot me down. After she got my attention, it went back to me chasing her (which I am ashamed to admit). It seemed like a constant flow of her giving me signs, then pulling away when I got close. It was a constant "are they together, are they not together" kind of thing, because I know some people were asking me if we were dating. I honestly had no idea how to interest, because we were not officially dating. We were hanging out roughly every week... .but, it was like she was not letting me close.

I know this is not the typical form of recycle, but isn't it kind of similar?

I do know that she was back and forth with her ex as well. They had broken up several times in the past 9 years.

[vortex of confusion]

I have a couple of thoughts.

Ex (if he is BPD) is quite likely the hermit/waif/quiet borderline. I find it very confusing because it is so easy for him to clam up and pretend that everything is okay and normal when it isn't. Things aren't openly discussed. They are assumed. When things are openly discussed, it seems as though he talks in circles, changes the subject, or wonders why we are even discussing it.

Being shut out, at least for me, is something that really pushes my buttons. It created a rather toxic dynamic between the two of us because there was very little actual discussion of issues. It felt very much like he was going through the motions. The lights were on but nobody was home and he would say/do whatever he could to keep people at a distance.

As far as the recycling thing goes, I had an experience with ex before we started officially dating that I didn't think much about. In hindsight, I see that it was probably the first big red flag that I missed. When we were just hanging out as friends and had only been on one or two dates, he would come by my work all the time. Any time he was in the area, he would stop by and visit me. It would have been okay every once in a while. It got to a point where it felt like it was every time I was at work. It became a bit overwhelming. He would come by my work and visit and then we would talk on the phone and I felt like I was being smothered because of the continual interaction. It might have been okay if we were actually dating. We weren't. We were just friends at that point. I said something to him. I asked him to back off a little bit because his visits and calls and such were making it hard for me to focus on my studies and my work. You would have thought that I had kicked him in the stomach or something. He acted like I was breaking up with him or kicking him to the curb. I was doing no such thing. All I was wanting to do was to back off a bit. He went from talking to me all the time to not talking to me at all. At the time, I didn't realize the implications of what he was doing. I still wanted to hang out with him and talk to him but he pretty much shut me down. I don't recall exactly what happened but somewhere along the lines he said he wanted to try to go out on a date with me. That kept getting pushed off and it was several months later that he got around to going out with me again. Then, he said something about moving and not having any reason to stay around and that he was thinking about moving back to his home state. I don't know what I was thinking to have dated him and then married him and then had kids with him.

I share all of that because it kind of shows how easy it is to get caught up with the waif/hermit. Ex could be so quiet and wonderful that it was easy for me to believe that I was the problem. If I go all the way back to the very beginning, I can see how he reacted in rather strange ways even back then. The other guys that I dated way back then didn't act like that. There were no doubts about how they felt about me yet there was also a more sane/comfortable amount of interaction.

Also, the thing that strikes me most about looking back is that ex seemed really content to NOT discuss the status of the relationship. We were dating and hanging out all the time and I had no idea if we were just friends or if we were more than that. I finally had to ask him what our status was. It was only then that he asked me to be his girlfriend. I still sometimes wonder if our relationship ever would have progressed if I hadn't said something.

[JaxWest]

I see some similarities. She would say some stuff about having trust issues and another day said something about having trouble sleeping for a few weeks. When I asked her about this, she shut down, avoided the topic and made it sound like I missed what she said. Things were not discussed. We just hung out... .There for a while, it was about every week we were hanging out, but it was during the week. She always went back home to see those friends virtually every weekend. I thought that was odd that she wanted to do that. I had no idea how to approach this, because I had asked her out, got a weird rejection, then she was around... .all of the time. She did not invite her friends to group things, so it kept turning into her and I being alone and her eating food off of my plate.  

There were a few times that it looked like she was just not there. The distant, empty eyes were just... .odd. It felt like when she was letting me in, she would then push me away. I had no idea how to talk to her and how much to invite her. I was afraid of sending too many messages, because we were just friends. I invited her to games when we went, but that was about it. I had to initiate the contact, but she kept initiating contact with my friends. Like, she wanted to have a girls outing with my friends, after she gave me a weird rejection. I mean... .That is odd... .I would be fine for a girlfriend to want to hang out with my female friends like that, but this girl shot me down and was not friends with these coworkers. They were uncomfortable with it.

I see some similarities with your story. I kept internalizing things with this one, like I was doing something wrong. But, no girl I have dated acted like her. No female friend (which in my line of work, I now have more female friends than male friends) have acted like that. No ex has treated me quite as possessive as this female has and no female that shot me down had wanted to be around quite as much as this one. All of which should have been red flags.

She would not discuss the status either. I asked her, but mine went the other way and she seemed to act like I was crazy for thinking she was giving signs. Literally every one of my friends/coworkers that were around us thought she was giving signs.

Honestly, looking back, it felt like dating when I was in high school. Like, she was afraid to admit she liked me. I would see her in public and she would panic and go the opposite way. She wanted to be around my friends and talk about me, but was afraid to be around me. I would invite her and she wanted to know who was going to be there. It felt like she needed a chaperone (my coworker was usually the one, since we watched games quite a bit) to be around me. Yet, she would then create the one on one environment by staying behind. The most confusing thing I have ever endured.

[wheretostart0]

I dealt with a very internal quiet waif.

I see similarities in a lot of your stories. A lot.

[JaxWest]

Anybody notice anything with the mimicking/mirroring behavior? Did anybody see that?

[sas1729]

Hi,
My BPD ex was definitely a "quieter" type. My ex was also highly educated and on the surface presentable and sociable. Compared to what I have read on these forums, there was little raging. Yes, my ex did get angry, but not to the point of the bad stories I have read here. The quietness aspect made directly engaging difficult, because the main form of expression was radio silence during push/pull (which ended up being a constant thing).
When we first started to date, things seemed normal. It was only after several months that my life began to be heavily influenced. The quiet push/pull slowly eroded any sense of self, because my interests and personality would be negatively reinforced. I learned that doing things for myself would be met with manipulative negativity. The fact that my ex was quiet made it harder to see this subtle influence. Before too long I was changed, and basically allowed myself to be transformed into what my ex wanted, which is nothing like my own self.
Eventually my friends convinced me that I was unhappy, so I ended the r/s. I don't know if this is relevant to the "quiet" aspect, but there was no recycling. I guess my ex's instinct was to not reach out to me, which helped me a lot.

[vortex of confusion]

There were a few times that it looked like she was just not there. The distant, empty eyes were just... .odd.

There were so many times that I got that feeling from ex. If I tried to say anything, it was dismissed as me reading things wrong or he was just tired. At some point, I noticed a very prominent pattern. There was one incident in particular where I was trying to have a serious discussion with him. In the middle of me talking, he interrupted me to tell me about something from one of his games. I went silent because it was quite clear that he wasn't listening to what I was saying. He was living in his head thinking about anything but what I was saying. He wasn't there with me. He was thinking about something completely unrelated to what was going on in the moment.

I had to initiate the contact

After I asked for a bit of space, that is how things went. I was pretty much calling him and initiating most of the contact. I invited him over for Thanksgiving that year. He said he would get back with me because he had several other invites. He declined my invitation and spent it with another lady. At the time, I didn't really think anything about it because we were just friends at that point. After we started dating officially, the fact that he declined that invitation had me scratching my head. The reason is that after we officially started dating he did the love bombing thing and would tell me how much he liked me and so on. He told me that he had really wanted to get together with me for a while but had been too busy and had too much stuff going on. It seemed like complete and utter crap because I had given him plenty of opportunities. At one point, I think I even asked him, "If you were so interested in me, why didn't you accept my invitation? Why did you choose to go spend the day with that lady?" I had a strong suspicion that he chose to spend it with her because he could have sex with her and not me. I didn't know any of those things at the time. I knew that there were things that seemed a bit off but I couldn't quite figure out what they were. 

I kept internalizing things with this one, like I was doing something wrong. But, no girl I have dated acted like her. No female friend (which in my line of work, I now have more female friends than male friends) have acted like that.

I can relate to the feeling of doing something wrong. At the time, 20 years ago, ex was only the third guy that I dated. I didn't have a lot of experience with dating and, in all honesty, I saw some of the differences between the way ex behaved and the way the other guys I had dated as a positive. I noticed the differences and thought that maybe this meant that he was the one. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I do know that I noticed the differences and chalked them up to me being inexperienced. I can now look back and see that those differences were actually red flags.

She wanted to be around my friends and talk about me, but was afraid to be around me.

This is something that reminded me of something else that caused a lot of confusion for me. Ex would talk about me to others all the time. He was putting me on a pedestal. He came back from an event with his family and said that some lady he was talking to made a comment that she could tell that he really loved me. He said that is when he knew he wanted to marry me. I thought it was really sweet. The reason that it stands out in my mind now is that it kind of set the tone for things. He would tell other people that I was great and wonderful. He would act like I was the greatest thing since sliced bread with other people were around. When nobody was around and it was just the two of us, it felt like a completely different story.

That made it very difficult for others to see what was happening. And it made it difficult to seek support from others because they were going on the stuff he said about me when I wasn't around.

[JaxWest]

He was living in his head thinking about anything but what I was saying. He wasn't there with me. He was thinking about something completely unrelated to what was going on in the moment.

Mine just seemed to be at a daze a lot. I know she was extremely quiet, but when other people were around, she just sat there. She needed a chaperone, but when we were alone, she seemed happier.

He told me that he had really wanted to get together with me for a while but had been too busy and had too much stuff going on. It seemed like complete and utter crap because I had given him plenty of opportunities.

My BPD was always "busy" on the weekends... .until she wanted to seek out my friends. It was like I was limited to the weekday hang outs.  

I can relate to the feeling of doing something wrong. At the time, 20 years ago, ex was only the third guy that I dated. I didn't have a lot of experience with dating and, in all honesty, I saw some of the differences between the way ex behaved and the way the other guys I had dated as a positive.

Same here... I did not date much, so I thought I was messing something up. After the first BPD, I had no desire to try dating again. I dated a few times, but those didn't work out. They were normal endings though. Not this weird stuff.

This is something that reminded me of something else that caused a lot of confusion for me. Ex would talk about me to others all the time. He was putting me on a pedestal.

Mine did that a lot, but in terms of work. She kept talking about how great I was at my job. I know she talked about me to her friends, because some of that was passed on to them. I think that is why they initially tried to get us together. They had to sense something when she was talking about me. She seemed like a young girl that had a crush on somebody, not a female. That is how she acted around me, which was kind of what flattered me and pulled me in at the beginning. She blushed around me, seemed so nervous. It was initially kind of cute that I made her that nervous. When I asked her out, she gave the weird rejection, we started hanging out again and she seemed to be very secretive around her friends this time. She did not want them around.


[/quote]

[JRT]

When She ended our engagement, she told me I never supported her photography.  She even denied I went on her shoots, or edited photographs.  

Many more examples like this, I fixed her car "no you didn't". I supported her other dreams and bought her her first flying lesson, "no you didn't".

She even denied I had a ring payment after we got engaged.  She was there when we bought it... .but she said I had no payment.

Wow... .this rang a few bells... .mine was also a waif and I am not sure that the above is typical of them or not... .mine would say similar things; essentially denying what is established truth.

Me: "we are on for 6PM right?"
Her: "No, we agreed on 7" (or insert any other non consequential contradiction of the truth)

Her: "you will not let me decorate the house"
Me: "you bought a new bedspread, comforter, sheets and pillows. They just came in yesterday. And that's on top of the patio furniture we are getting next week that you wanted and the 4 raised gardens that I agreed to build you when it gets warmer"!

I really couldn't beleive these types of statements from her as they were 180 degrees not true: the OPPOSITE was true! And they were persistent, not one offs.

I've not come across this on this board in the past. I wonder if this is some sort of waif trait or if this was some other form of dysfunction.

[vortex of confusion]

Wow... .this rang a few bells... .mine was also a waif and I am not sure that the above is typical of them or not... .mine would say similar things; essentially denying what is established truth.
----------
I really couldn't beleive these types of statements from her as they were 180 degrees not true: the OPPOSITE was true! And they were persistent, not one offs.
----------
I've not come across this on this board in the past. I wonder if this is some sort of waif trait or if this was some other form of dysfunction.

Actually, this is commonly talked about in other forms. It is a form of all or nothing thinking.

I could see it with my ex when I would bring up things that he did that I found hurtful. His response was something along the lines of "I am not doing it now." I would point out that it had only been a couple of days or weeks since he did it last. I can see this with your house decorating example. She was not actively in the process of decorating the house and you may have expressed concern at the amount of money or something else trivial related to her purchases and that was latched on to and taken as "You don't support me doing <fill in the blank.> I didn't feel like I could express any kind of negative emotion or question him at any level.

I said something one time about him playing in a band. I was trying to communicate that I didn't want to go to all of his practices and that I would like to be able to go out and do stuff for myself. He quit his band and stopped doing things that he enjoyed and then when I tried to bring it up I found out that he had completely misinterpreted what I was trying to communicate.

I rarely knew what was going on with him. He was a sex addict and spent some time contacting women online. I saw some of the correspondence. He was telling these women that I stopped saying "I love you". I think I forgot to say it when he left or hadn't said it as much. And then, there was the comment that I had stopped having sex with him. It had only been a couple of days. He interpreted these situations as all or none. What he then told me or others was the complete opposite of objective reality. It may have been true based on his reality in that moment but it was not reality based on actual facts and actual events over time.

[JRT]

Actually, this is commonly talked about in other forms. It is a form of all or nothing thinking.

She was not actively in the process of decorating the house and you may have expressed concern at the amount of money or something else trivial related to her purchases and that was latched on to and taken as "You don't support me doing <fill in the blank.> I didn't feel like I could express any kind of negative emotion or question him at any level.

I wonder if there is a term for this kind of discourse.

With mine, it was entirely out of the blue. I was acutely quite happy that she had taken it upon herself to do some decorating and had very much encouraged her and made good choices in regard. The decorating (and other examples) were prompted by unequivocal support. This were almost occasions where I gave unconditional support where a lack of support or conflict are often the anticipation (think of a couple decorating a house together - some end up in divorce court). Instead, she chose to respond to that support with almost a preconcept that I had already negated he decorating decisions or denied them altogether!

[Duped Again]

I've only dealt with a quiet/waif type. She needed to be saved and always projected a victim role. She never raised her voice to me and that made the breakup more difficult.

Don't be fooled by the soft non-aggressive demeanor. The words out of her mouth and the actions that followed (many of which I found out about after the breakup) were completely opposite. She would tell me whatever made me stay around and be the most loving person I've ever known. All the while she was talking to other men and upon finding a suitor, completely left me. I found out she immediately started telling the new guy she loved him and wanted to marry him. She was literally telling me she loved me while on a date with him. If you had told me six months ago this was even POSSIBLE, I would have said "hell no... .she loves and respects me too much." She even told the guy things about me personally that were only for her ears and she promised she would never tell anyone. This was days into her relationship with him after spending 2 years with me.

What I'm saying is to be careful with what you perceive. Quiet types or waifs have an extra weapon. When I found out what had happened in the last days of our relationship, I was sick. Part of the reason I was sick was the sweetness that I had perceived to mean sincerity, honesty, depth, and a good girl. I learned that passive-aggressive actions can cause more pain than rage.

[JRT]

I've only dealt with a quiet/waif type. She needed to be saved and always projected a victim role. She never raised her voice to me and that made the breakup more difficult.

Don't be fooled by the soft non-aggressive demeanor. The words out of her mouth and the actions that followed (many of which I found out about after the breakup) were completely opposite. She would tell me whatever made me stay around and be the most loving person I've ever known. All the while she was talking to other men and upon finding a suitor, completely left me. I found out she immediately started telling the new guy she loved him and wanted to marry him. She was literally telling me she loved me while on a date with him. If you had told me six months ago this was even POSSIBLE, I would have said "hell no... .she loves and respects me too much." She even told the guy things about me personally that were only for her ears and she promised she would never tell anyone. This was days into her relationship with him after spending 2 years with me.

What I'm saying is to be careful with what you perceive. Quiet types or waifs have an extra weapon. When I found out what had happened in the last days of our relationship, I was sick. Part of the reason I was sick was the sweetness that I had perceived to mean sincerity, honesty, depth, and a good girl. I learned that passive-aggressive actions can cause more pain than rage.

Wow... .that really resonated with me... .I hope that it helps in some way to know that you were not the only one to have this type of experience... .sorry to hear that you had to go through this... .

[Huh?]

I've only dealt with a quiet/waif type. She needed to be saved and always projected a victim role. She never raised her voice to me and that made the breakup more difficult.

Don't be fooled by the soft non-aggressive demeanor. The words out of her mouth and the actions that followed (many of which I found out about after the breakup) were completely opposite. She would tell me whatever made me stay around and be the most loving person I've ever known. All the while she was talking to other men and upon finding a suitor, completely left me. I found out she immediately started telling the new guy she loved him and wanted to marry him. She was literally telling me she loved me while on a date with him. If you had told me six months ago this was even POSSIBLE, I would have said "hell no... .she loves and respects me too much." She even told the guy things about me personally that were only for her ears and she promised she would never tell anyone. This was days into her relationship with him after spending 2 years with me.

What I'm saying is to be careful with what you perceive. Quiet types or waifs have an extra weapon. When I found out what had happened in the last days of our relationship, I was sick. Part of the reason I was sick was the sweetness that I had perceived to mean sincerity, honesty, depth, and a good girl. I learned that passive-aggressive actions can cause more pain than rage.

This is 100% right.  I've experienced the overt NPD and cluster b type in the past... .but the pain from the waif/hermit lingers longer in my case.  I think because with the more overt offenders,  "Im done with you" and cut off types... .you absolutely know where you stand.

In my situation, my waif/hermit ex strung our break up a long for 2 1/2 years while we "worked on us"... .which consisted of me doing all the work, and then the bar being raised higher and higher everytime I satisfied a requirement.  The requirements always changed.  

She was such a like a sweet, quiet and innocent puppy abondoned in the animal shelter... .scared and helpless.  She didn't look like she could harm anybody and just wanted a chance to love.  She always told me how safe she felt around me, how She needed my protection.   Yet, in my case the pain and confusion that came with her "adoption" was immense.  In reality, that little puppy is a covert monster in disguise.

I didn't think she was capable of cheating.  She detested the idea, since her mom had multiple affairs on her father and destroyed the family.  However, I remember her saying a couple months into our relationship... ."I would never cheat on you... .I'd break up with you first before I did that".  I thought that was a weird thing to say to a new boyfriend. 

But yeah, the waif/hermit is the worst.  They leave you still wanting to rescue them even after they are long gone and in bed with the next fellow.  

[Azrimic]

Is there any particular reading to do on this, or is everyone reading stuff from all over?

[heartandwhole]

Is there any particular reading to do on this, or is everyone reading stuff from all over?

We have information here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

[vortex of confusion]

Instead, she chose to respond to that support with almost a preconcept that I had already negated he decorating decisions or denied them altogether!

She may not have been reacting to you specifically at all. Sometimes, a person will get so used to getting a certain response that they are unable to see when they are getting something that is different. I was reading a book suggested to me by my therapist and came across something called repetition compulsion. I can see where ex was doing that a lot with me. That kind of helped me understand why he said and did things that were NOT based on the reality of who I am and what I was actually doing. With repetition compulsion, a person can sometimes subconsciously set circumstances up such that they end up repeating the same cycles.

I see a lot of people on here talking about continuing to find disordered partners no matter what they do. Reading about repetition compulsion really helped me to put things into perspective because I was able to see the patterns that ex was repeating. And, I was able to see that choosing him as a partner was part of my own repeating pattern. I say that I want a normal relationship yet I continue to be drawn to people that are going to repeat certain things. It isn't even something that I am consciously doing. In order to stop that, I have to figure out and resolve whatever it is that is unresolved in me.

[JaxWest]

She may not have been reacting to you specifically at all. Sometimes, a person will get so used to getting a certain response that they are unable to see when they are getting something that is different. I was reading a book suggested to me by my therapist and came across something called repetition compulsion. I can see where ex was doing that a lot with me. That kind of helped me understand why he said and did things that were NOT based on the reality of who I am and what I was actually doing. With repetition compulsion, a person can sometimes subconsciously set circumstances up such that they end up repeating the same cycles.

I see a lot of people on here talking about continuing to find disordered partners no matter what they do. Reading about repetition compulsion really helped me to put things into perspective because I was able to see the patterns that ex was repeating. And, I was able to see that choosing him as a partner was part of my own repeating pattern. I say that I want a normal relationship yet I continue to be drawn to people that are going to repeat certain things. It isn't even something that I am consciously doing. In order to stop that, I have to figure out and resolve whatever it is that is unresolved in me.

Good point. This is my 2nd potential BPD if she does in fact, have it. I am trying to work on myself to avoid being in those situations. She gave me attention, so it was flattering. Even though she was not right for me. The first one was more aggressive and made the moves. I am passive, introverted and afraid of making the first move. That helped my confidence because she put it out there that she was interested.

The second one was more of a waif though. I am a helper. She was extremely introverted. I thought I could help her, so I got sucked in. She acted strange, so I rationalized it and thought if she got more comfortable around me, that would change. She would blow me off, I would forgive her. She lead me on, I would forgive her.

[Duped Again]

Wow... .that really resonated with me... .I hope that it helps in some way to know that you were not the only one to have this type of experience... .sorry to hear that you had to go through this... .

Thanks for the kind words. It does help but the shame and guilt these types put in your head is traumatic.

[Duped Again]

This is 100% right.  I've experienced the overt NPD and cluster b type in the past... .but the pain from the waif/hermit lingers longer in my case.  I think because with the more overt offenders,  "Im done with you" and cut off types... .you absolutely know where you stand.

In my situation, my waif/hermit ex strung our break up a long for 2 1/2 years while we "worked on us"... .which consisted of me doing all the work, and then the bar being raised higher and higher everytime I satisfied a requirement.  The requirements always changed.  

She was such a like a sweet, quiet and innocent puppy abondoned in the animal shelter... .scared and helpless.  She didn't look like she could harm anybody and just wanted a chance to love.  She always told me how safe she felt around me, how She needed my protection.   Yet, in my case the pain and confusion that came with her "adoption" was immense.  In reality, that little puppy is a covert monster in disguise.

I didn't think she was capable of cheating.  She detested the idea, since her mom had multiple affairs on her father and destroyed the family.  However, I remember her saying a couple months into our relationship... ."I would never cheat on you... .I'd break up with you first before I did that".  I thought that was a weird thing to say to a new boyfriend. 

But yeah, the waif/hermit is the worst.  They leave you still wanting to rescue them even after they are long gone and in bed with the next fellow.  

Mine would say the same thing. She would "leave me immediately if I ever cheated" yet she was putting herself out there for other men. She was physically beautiful and could control men with just a smile. So, literally every man she sets her sights on falls for her immediately. She now is on number 2 since leaving me and is engaged.

These types draw you in with beauty, sweetness, and the most magical words ever said. Once you realize that it wasn't real or that it wasn't really about her love for you, it's too late. You're invested and have to change your entire view of this person. It is utterly shocking.

I will say that mine has left me alone and probably always will. I'm just a distant foggy distorted memory.

[vortex of confusion]

Don't be fooled by the soft non-aggressive demeanor. The words out of her mouth and the actions that followed (many of which I found out about after the breakup) were completely opposite.

That is so difficult to handle. The huge mismatch between the words and actions. Ultimately, that is why I clung to his words. I didn't want to believe that his actions were the truth.

She was literally telling me she loved me while on a date with him. If you had told me six months ago this was even POSSIBLE, I would have said "hell no... .she loves and respects me too much." She even told the guy things about me personally that were only for her ears and she promised she would never tell anyone. This was days into her relationship with him after spending 2 years with me.

This really resonated with me. There was one night when we were sitting on the couch cuddling. He was texting another woman while cuddling with me on the couch.

After 15 years of marriage, his solution was "Let's see other people." There is a bit of a back story there. I had been telling him that I was struggling and that I needed him to check in. I talked to a guy for two days and the minute it became inappropriate I went to my husband and confessed because I felt so horrible that I had done that. He got excited and said that he was happy that I did it and that we should see other people. I felt horrible about it and was hoping that telling him would wake him up to the fact that our marriage was in trouble. He had been telling me that nothing was wrong. There was no trouble. He loved me. I was his world. I was a great wife and mother, blah, blah, blah. And then he tells me, let's see other people. It was a messy ordeal but it would infuriate me when I would find correspondence between him and these other people. He was saying all kinds of horrible things about me to them and was painting me out to be something that I am not.

What I'm saying is to be careful with what you perceive. Quiet types or waifs have an extra weapon. When I found out what had happened in the last days of our relationship, I was sick. Part of the reason I was sick was the sweetness that I had perceived to mean sincerity, honesty, depth, and a good girl. I learned that passive-aggressive actions can cause more pain than rage.

It is so unbelievably painful and sickening to find out that they are pouring on so thick only to find out that they are telling other people this same kind of stuff. It was lies. Actually, he was saying even nicer stuff to them and was treating them with way more regard and kindness than he was with me. With me, he would quietly shut me out and dismiss my concerns and then get angry/passive aggressive when I would try to bring stuff up.