Both have BPD/traits

[lucky013]

Anyone here heard of or experienced ? Both parties having BPD or traits.
Or could these traits be from being in previous relationships with w/BPD?

Love to here your thoughts or stories

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[isilme]

H has the most BPD traits, but I'm co-dependent, and grew up with two BPD parents.  I've seen co-dependent mentioned as the converse NPD/BPD. 

My parent both fit BPD/NPD/ASD descriptions, based on their manipulation, their tendency to parentify me and expect age-unsuitable responsibility from me (given an alarm clock at 5 to wake myself up nd get dressed for Kindergarten, taught to drive at 11 because mom was always on pills), introduced me to age-inappropriate concepts of sex and adult behavior very young (also in Kinder), violent outbursts, inability to ever be wrong or the blame for anything, re-writing of history... .  Their divorce and later dad kicking me out were actually two of the best thing they ever did.  We'd have ended up a multiple murder-suicide had they not divorced.  Not kidding.  Dad would threaten it a lot while grabbing kitchen knives and brandishing them about.  Mom would tell him he wasn't a man if he didn't follow through with it - I lived in fear he'd try and I'd have to hurt/kill him to stop him from killing me or my mom, but at the same time felt mad at her for escalating things to where this was a possibility.  So my BPD parental pair were violent, taught me to desire suicide at about age 10, and that everything in the world was my fault to fix.  It was not a good pairing.

So I know I most likely have a lot of what's called "fleas" from the BPD dogs I grew up with.  I like to think over the last 25 years I've worked to learn more appropriate behavior, more realistic expectations of life, and also how to be less of a doormat for my pwBPD now.  But it's a work in progress.

[lucky013]

H has the most BPD traits, but I'm co-dependent, and grew up with two BPD parents.  I've seen co-dependent mentioned as the converse NPD/BPD. 

My parent both fit BPD/NPD/ASD descriptions, based on their manipulation, their tendency to parentify me and expect age-unsuitable responsibility from me (given an alarm clock at 5 to wake myself up nd get dressed for Kindergarten, taught to drive at 11 because mom was always on pills), introduced me to age-inappropriate concepts of sex and adult behavior very young (also in Kinder), violent outbursts, inability to ever be wrong or the blame for anything, re-writing of history... .  Their divorce and later dad kicking me out were actually two of the best thing they ever did.  We'd have ended up a multiple murder-suicide had they not divorced.  Not kidding.  Dad would threaten it a lot while grabbing kitchen knives and brandishing them about.  Mom would tell him he wasn't a man if he didn't follow through with it - I lived in fear he'd try and I'd have to hurt/kill him to stop him from killing me or my mom, but at the same time felt mad at her for escalating things to where this was a possibility.  So my BPD parental pair were violent, taught me to desire suicide at about age 10, and that everything in the world was my fault to fix.  It was not a good pairing.

So I know I most likely have a lot of what's called "fleas" from the BPD dogs I grew up with.  I like to think over the last 25 years I've worked to learn more appropriate behavior, more realistic expectations of life, and also how to be less of a doormat for my pwBPD now.  But it's a work in progress.

Do you think it would of been easier if it was a single parent rather than just one as seems like they get bad energy off each other ?

I would say i'm more co - dependant but have learnt to control the situation through have strong boundaries though at times i feel like i have traits myself.

[isilme]

Life was different when I was just living with Dad after we left Mom.  He did not treat me better, and in fact neglected me even more, and the rages were terrifying since there was no one else for him to rage at - I got it all at that point.  But at least I was able to heal a little from the damage Mom inflicted in her own manipulative ways.  Once I was free of both of them, at least physically, they still live in my head at times, after a strange mourning period I actually found yes, I was free.

I know part of what drew me to H was the fact he also has BPD traits, but even at his very worst, he's not my mom or dad.  They are orders of magnitude worse. 

Co-dependents and BPD feed each other.  Two people with BPD feed each others actions.  We give each other the interactions we are used to, even though they are very unhealthy and overall both hurt the other.  Some of this can be unlearned, and you can retrain yourself, and as I've tried to be less co-dependent, literally spending half my life trying, I can say I noticed that the frequency and average intensity of H's rages have decreased.  He still has some doozies that freeze me and give me flashbacks to being a scared child, but the end sooner and unlike with my father, I don't have bruises at the end of them.

Everyone has time to time the same traits as someone with BPD.  It's a spectrum.  It's when a person has it tot he point it's a toxic factor in their life, leads to demolished relationships and self-harm that it becomes more of a diagnosis and condition than a temporary mood.  When I have PMS, I'm pretty sure I can feel a little like I assume H feels most of the time.  Edgy.  Easy to trigger.  Prone to mood swings, prone to feeling put upon, invalidated, unloveable.  But for me, it passes.  For him, it's life. 

[lucky013]

Life was different when I was just living with Dad after we left Mom.  He did not treat me better, and in fact neglected me even more, and the rages were terrifying since there was no one else for him to rage at - I got it all at that point.  But at least I was able to heal a little from the damage Mom inflicted in her own manipulative ways.  Once I was free of both of them, at least physically, they still live in my head at times, after a strange mourning period I actually found yes, I was free.

I know part of what drew me to H was the fact he also has BPD traits, but even at his very worst, he's not my mom or dad.  They are orders of magnitude worse. 

Co-dependents and BPD feed each other.  Two people with BPD feed each others actions.  We give each other the interactions we are used to, even though they are very unhealthy and overall both hurt the other.  Some of this can be unlearned, and you can retrain yourself, and as I've tried to be less co-dependent, literally spending half my life trying, I can say I noticed that the frequency and average intensity of H's rages have decreased.  He still has some doozies that freeze me and give me flashbacks to being a scared child, but the end sooner and unlike with my father, I don't have bruises at the end of them.

Everyone has time to time the same traits as someone with BPD.  It's a spectrum.  It's when a person has it tot he point it's a toxic factor in their life, leads to demolished relationships and self-harm that it becomes more of a diagnosis and condition than a temporary mood.  When I have PMS, I'm pretty sure I can feel a little like I assume H feels most of the time.  Edgy.  Easy to trigger.  Prone to mood swings, prone to feeling put upon, invalidated, unloveable.  But for me, it passes.  For him, it's life. 

Thankyou very much for giving time to write your experiences.

I take it you have been on here some time and have seen alot of people stories etc. Do you think /or have seen evidence that people with BPD can have relationships or is it a no go ? As i have become aware that alot of psychologists wont treat people with BPD is this because they themselves come at risk or because they see them untreatable.

I have only met one person that actually put herself into  hospital and into care, i do see her symptoms of BPD, she is mainly waif and hermit, or is this just her style of personality? She lives at home with her parents and doesn't do much and have many friends, i am thinking she could spend alot of time on facebook and other apps talking to guys, i guess that would be the test. To see if she loyal, wrong but only way to find out.

[Notwendy]

Hi Lucky-
When I read in some marriage books that people attract partners who "match" them in some ways- so that both play out the dysfunctional dynamics, it made sense to me. Like Isilme- I have a mother with BPD and growing up, learned to be co-dependent like my father was with her. I also did learn some behaviors that were similar to what my mother does- fleas as they call them. However, this reflects that children do learn from their parents. I do not have BPD.

Once I realized this- I went to counseling for the purpose of unlearning these behaviors and understanding the dysfunction in my FOO. Children learn these behaviors as survival skills, but as adults, they can make them susceptible to dysfunctional relationships. One example is the tendency to walk on eggshells and be overly sensitive to other people's moods. This was an essential skill as a child. I learned to "read" my mother's face so well, I could almost know what she was thinking. I could predict her rage maybe before she even knew it.  These could be subtle changes- the look in her eye, cheeks flushed a little, and it was terrifying- because we knew the rage would follow.

I can still read people, but what is dysfunctional is the fear and sense of danger that is interpreted by this. Someone could just be having a bad day, thinking of something else that had nothing to do with me, but my response would be "what have I done to cause this?". As a child, that is what I thought- as mom would blame her bad mood on me. Then, I would try to fix it- whatever it was she needed to be calm again. The reality is that her moods were not about me, and it isn't my job to fix someone else's feelings. Yet, I would respond to other people in my adult life like that- assume that it was my fault and my responsibility to take care of other people's feelings ( co-dependency). I would then attract partners who tend to look to others to fix their feelings ( project, blame) and our dysfunction would "fit".

Both pwBPD and co-dependents share similar issues, but we may act them out in different ways. Co-dependents manage their own uncomfortable feelings by focusing on other people and trying to fix their feelings. PwBPD project and blame others. Emotionally healthy people are responsible for their own feelings and have skills to manage them.

I think what makes BPD harder to deal with is projection and denial. I think that most co-dependents are willing to look at themselves- feel overly responsible as it is. When someone projects/denies- they are not able to see themselves. I think this does vary from person to person, which then would impact the effectiveness of therapy.

[lucky013]

Hi Lucky-
When I read in some marriage books that people attract partners who "match" them in some ways- so that both play out the dysfunctional dynamics, it made sense to me. Like Isilme- I have a mother with BPD and growing up, learned to be co-dependent like my father was with her. I also did learn some behaviors that were similar to what my mother does- fleas as they call them. However, this reflects that children do learn from their parents. I do not have BPD.

Once I realized this- I went to counseling for the purpose of unlearning these behaviors and understanding the dysfunction in my FOO. Children learn these behaviors as survival skills, but as adults, they can make them susceptible to dysfunctional relationships. One example is the tendency to walk on eggshells and be overly sensitive to other people's moods. This was an essential skill as a child. I learned to "read" my mother's face so well, I could almost know what she was thinking. I could predict her rage maybe before she even knew it.  These could be subtle changes- the look in her eye, cheeks flushed a little, and it was terrifying- because we knew the rage would follow.

I can still read people, but what is dysfunctional is the fear and sense of danger that is interpreted by this. Someone could just be having a bad day, thinking of something else that had nothing to do with me, but my response would be "what have I done to cause this?". As a child, that is what I thought- as mom would blame her bad mood on me. Then, I would try to fix it- whatever it was she needed to be calm again. The reality is that her moods were not about me, and it isn't my job to fix someone else's feelings. Yet, I would respond to other people in my adult life like that- assume that it was my fault and my responsibility to take care of other people's feelings ( co-dependency). I would then attract partners who tend to look to others to fix their feelings ( project, blame) and our dysfunction would "fit".

Both pwBPD and co-dependents share similar issues, but we may act them out in different ways. Co-dependents manage their own uncomfortable feelings by focusing on other people and trying to fix their feelings. PwBPD project and blame others. Emotionally healthy people are responsible for their own feelings and have skills to manage them.

I think what makes BPD harder to deal with is projection and denial. I think that most co-dependents are willing to look at themselves- feel overly responsible as it is. When someone projects/denies- they are not able to see themselves. I think this does vary from person to person, which then would impact the effectiveness of therapy.

I can really relate to the walking on egg shells with everyone and tend not to do anything to upset anyone and i have a hard time commiting to just about anything.

I can read people very well also and i have learnt that by being in relationships with w/BPD and i do use these things i have learnt in my favour otherwise i just get walked all over.

I have a best friend, who i would say is 99 percent BPD, im thinking that i would be willing to tell him and risk our friendship and he is the one doing all the work etc and she just wants to get pregnant to lock him in. I have brought it up a couple times but she always get her way back in there.

Have you ever heard of anyone having a "normal" relationship with a BPD long time and them working out the problems as i'm seeing a pattern that it is 99 percent chance that it wont work