Borderline and Mimicking/Mirroring behavior

[JaxWest]

Anybody else have just a lot of mirroring behavior? That is one thing that just amazed me is how many times she changed her opinion because of me, had a sudden interest in a topic, mimicked me or mirrored me. It was just insane and actually kind of creepy.

[roberto516]

She never seemed to mirror me. But she mirrored everyone else. I can't recall how many times I would tell her something about our relationship and then she'd come back from therapy, and be so receptive because her therapist had said it. And with me she would never want to go out and have drinks. But if she was around her family? She became a party animal. Which was kinda frustrating for me. She refused to go see this garden/floral place by us but when her friend got them tickets she went. So I know all about the mirroring. Just not with me.

[JaxWest]

Mine mimicked me to an unhealthy level. Everything I liked, she did too...

Examples:
I like chasing storms (tornadoes; don't judge me... .), she likes watching storms.
I like bobbleheads, she all of a sudden likes bobbleheads
I go to trivia, she starts going to trivia AFTER she finds out I go
I hate team A, she does too.
I like team B, she does too.
I dislike a city, she suddenly stats talking about it being a bad city
I make a comment about feeling like sometimes the NFL is rigged, 10 minute later she makes a comment during a game that the Panthers paid the refs for calls in the game
I think blank University would be a good place to work, suddenly she looks into it
I talk about going on a trip with a friend to Iceland, she starts looking up travel information
Countless examples of when she asked for my opinion on things, which she changed her opinions on (politics, current events or etc)
I talk about needing to start following hockey more, she wants to start watching hockey
A lot of other things that she did or said that matched things I posted on facebook or etc

[roberto516]

Mine mimicked me to an unhealthy level. Everything I liked, she did too...

Wow i can't imagine my ex ever becoming involved in my sports watching. I couldn't ever even get her to sit down and watch a game more than once .

[JaxWest]

Wow i can't imagine my ex ever becoming involved in my sports watching. I couldn't ever even get her to sit down and watch a game more than once .

Lol... .that was one of the things that initially drew me to her... .We wanted to start watching games. She worked in a lot of my thoughts on match-ups into our conversations as well... .

[roberto516]

Yeah we went out once for a game early in the relationship (makes sense). And then the other two I felt like she was so miserable that it wasn't even fun. She did mirror my moods though. I'm an introvert and sometimes we just like to go quiet and recharge. Well she always thought that was about her. And everytime she thought we were doing good it was because I was being my crazy self.

And I truly believe we broke up because my grandpop passed (who was my best friend) and I went into a dark depression for about a month. And she couldn't mirror that for so long. It's funny she even said "I got depressed near the end and I think it was because of us." Which is true if you consider mirroring. Because usually I'd drag her out of depressions. But I couldn't do it. And there was nothing for her to mirror in me that was positive.

[Sadly]

It's very sad that someone hasn't enough sense of their own identity isn't it. I should know, I sort of mirrored more than he did, or did I. Some things it was just opening my eyes to new thoughts, activities that I still now like but sometmes I know it was my desperate attempt to fit, be loved. I recognise that weakness in me but only since I learnt about BPD.
I don't think being in the same mood, sad-happy is mirroring though. True, if he was down or depressed that would make me sad but I would try and cheer him up, didn't work the other way round sadly. If we were happy and up that reflected too but isn't that the same in normal relationships?
Love from
Sadly x

[JaxWest]

I left out the big one... .Mine wanted to hang out with my friends like I would. She texted my married coworker. Wanted to have a girl's night with a couple of my friends too. For some reason, she wanted access to my friends.

[SummerStorm]

My BPD friend is still convinced that we have "similar interests," even though I honestly have no idea what her interests even are.  When we first became friends, she suddenly became interested in women's soccer, which is one of my biggest interests.  She said she hated going to the movie theatre, but when I told her I love it, she suddenly decided that she wanted to see a movie with me.  I don't go to bars and don't stay out late, so she told me that she didn't, either.  But when she was with other friends, she would go out and get so trashed that she would have to call off work the next day.  I've known her for almost three years, and I still really don't know who she is.  I guess she's just who she happens to be with at that moment, whether it's friends or a boyfriend.

[Pretty Woman]

I don't know about you but mine had very, very limited interests. I realized that once our relationship was over we really had nothing in common. I knew nothing about her.

She likes rocks, lions and wolves. That's about it.

She also had three "friends". They were present at the beginning of our relationship (when she was securing me) but then they would disappear... .she would even speak badly of them. Funny though, when she would break up with me these people would be terrible towards me and hurl insults, became her minions... .
until she didn't need them again.

My ex didn't have any goals or ambitions. She liked what I liked. Definitely mirroring. One observation I had was before she dumped me the final time was she had bought a brand new white jeep. I picked out the color. A month after the discard she all of a sudden had a silver jeep, same color as the new GF's car.

Coincidence?

Just weird. The new woman weighs about 100lbs more than I do. She is an exec and does well for a living (likely better off than me financially). She is about three years younger than I am but hangs out with women in their 60-70's. Her ex before my ex was about 30 years older than her and cheated on her. Ironically her cheating ex is her best friend and they all hang out together.

So my sex crazed ex who was a total partier with me (I am not a partier but she loved to go drinking and be
Miss. Good Time) now sits at home eating and scrapbooking with 60-70 year olds. I can only attribute that to mirroring.

Last I saw my ex she's about 60lbs heavier (saw a picture). Her eyes look vacant and her soul empty.

[JaxWest]

It sounds like a common theme is people really didn't know what the BPD's hobbies were. I would agree. Outside of football, I am not sure what her hobbies were. Sure, she said some of her hobbies, but I have no idea if that is what they really were.

[SummerStorm]

It sounds like a common theme is people really didn't know what the BPD's hobbies were. I would agree. Outside of football, I am not sure what her hobbies were. Sure, she said some of her hobbies, but I have no idea if that is what they really were.

I actually brought this up one time when I was texting my BPD friend.  I said, "I don't really know what you like."  She replied, "I like Pokemon and taking naps."  That's it.  A college-educated 24-year-old, and that's all she likes in life.  Sad.

[roberto516]

I actually brought this up one time when I was texting my BPD friend.  I said, "I don't really know what you like."  She replied, "I like Pokemon and taking naps."  That's it.  A college-educated 24-year-old, and that's all she likes in life.  Sad.

So similar. Mine like yoga and that was it. Anytime she had to sit with herself she'd take a nap. Like she wasn't able to find/create entertainment for herself so she would nap constantly. It is kinda sad

[Caretaker2]

There was this one annoying way of speaking that she had... .a very dreadful "upspeak" that she would often complain about other people doing, but would also do herself.

The day I found out that she had been lying to me and cheated so many times, I called her ex. I had never spoken to him before, but he sounded almost exactly like the way that she had been speaking for so long. I got so mad when I realized it! 

[JaxWest]

There was this one annoying way of speaking that she had... .a very dreadful "upspeak" that she would often complain about other people doing, but would also do herself.

This one seemed to always think people or their actions was weird. This is weird... .That is weird... .The stuff she thought was weird wasn't really weird though. Oddly, the majority of people thought she was really weird though.

[Pretty Woman]

Jax,
   I run a women's social group. It has about 600 members and I plan a lot of fun events throughout my area. I remember when I was first dating my ex (no one knew we were dating) and a new member pulled me aside and told me my ex "made her feel very uncomfortable. Something was OFF with her".

This woman was a nurse in a mental ward.

She eventually left the group because she was that uncomfortable being around my ex.

What I saw as "quirky" or someone who was acting out because they had a "bad childhood" people were more aware that it was something "more". Now, I can see what triggered this woman to leave. I GET IT. But I didn't then. This woman had boundaries. Healthy ones.

[SummerStorm]

There was this one annoying way of speaking that she had... .a very dreadful "upspeak" that she would often complain about other people doing, but would also do herself.

The day I found out that she had been lying to me and cheated so many times, I called her ex. I had never spoken to him before, but he sounded almost exactly like the way that she had been speaking for so long. I got so mad when I realized it! 

My BPD friend also now speaks like all of her new friends, and it's one reason I don't really want to hang out with her at all.  Every friend is referred to as a "b___h," including her guy friends.  And the f-bombs just roll out of her mouth.  The last time we hung out, she asked me which Pokemon Go team I'm on, and when she found out it wasn't her team, her response was, "F___k you!" This was after we hadn't seen each other for over a year.  She has an English degree but speaks like someone who dropped out of high school.  I've snooped on some of the social media pages of her "best" friends, and they all speak exactly the way she does.  

[Pretty Woman]

I want to correct my previous post. I was not PC.

Psychiatric ward. I meant no disrespect. Wrong term.

[JaxWest]

What I saw as "quirky" or someone who was acting out because they had a "bad childhood" people were more aware that it was something "more". Now, I can see what triggered this woman to leave. I GET IT. But I didn't then. This woman had boundaries. Healthy ones.

True... .I wish I would have listened to my coworkers. Three of my female coworkers were pretty vocal that she was just odd and I would drive myself nuts trying to figure this one out... .Flash forward a few months and I am doing just as they said...

It is amazing that this person didn't see any of her behavior as odd. She gave me multiple signs (as witnessed by others). I made a move, but got a weird no answer. A week later, she texted my married, male coworker that I hang out with a lot (that she did not know well, but had asked about my dating life and talked about me a lot to), so it basically felt like she was inviting herself. She sought out my coworkers to hang out with. Invited herself to dinner when we went. She was doing all of these things that put her back around me. All of my coworkers were uncomfortable, especially my married friend, since he was getting messages from her. She had to know what I was doing after that, to the point of even looking up travel information to places I was going and borderline stalking me. Would eat my food, me, the guy that asked her out and got shot down. Never treated like a friend. Treated more like, hey I want to be around you today and then the next day. But, when she saw me in public, she would act nervous and ignore me when her coworkers were around. She sought out my friends, but hid her friends. That is not how a friend or colleague act. I was some sort of weird secret.

People would generally think that is weird, but she did not see it. I feel led on. Like, right after she said no, she wanted my attention and wanted me to chase her... .which I am ashamed to admit I did. I really don't know if she was BPD or if she just had some complete emotional disorder that she could not get comfortable dating somebody.

[bunny4523]

I remember in the midst of my "relationship"  I told my ex... .I don't understand who you are.  It's like your a blob and you wait for me to tell you who you are and it changes weekly.  This is way before I we identified that he has traits of BPD. 

Like bigger things... .being friends with ex's vs not
Admiring what a great parent I've been for the 7 years he worked with me vs I'm having an inappropriate relationship with my son
Loving my friends vs can't go over there because it makes him sick to his stomach

then of course the little things too but that I expect a little flexibility with smaller things.

It just all made sense after I started reading about BPD but I remember being so confused at the time.   Glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.

Bunny

[Aesir]

Near the end I realized that she would go along or copy many of my interests or beliefs. She would admit to not really liking certain things and accuse me of forcing her to do/not do or believe things.  One example is that years ago she was thinking of joining a sorority. I personally was not into that type of thing so I gave her my opinion. NEVER ONCE did I tell a grown woman that she shouldn't or couldn't  do anything.  It's not even my place. It was just my personal opinion.

Years later the issue comes up again and she blames me for her not joining. I was exasperated. She made the decision not to join one. I didn't make it for her.

[SummerStorm]

Near the end I realized that she would go along or copy many of my interests or beliefs. She would admit to not really liking certain things and accuse me of forcing her to do/not do or believe things.  

Because my interests are so different from my BPD friend's interests (I like hiking, running, being outside all of the time, etc.), it quickly became very obvious, when we first became friends, that she was just trying to go along with what I liked.  I think that she can mirror other people more easily and for a longer period of time because they tend to do a lot of the same things she does (gamble, smoke pot, get drunk, etc.).  We are so ridiculously different that she can't even really pretend to like the things I like, at least not for very long.

I once asked one of her exes if she pretended to like the things he liked, and he replied, "Yeah, but after a while, she wouldn't be interested in them at all." 

[infjEpic]

True... .I wish I would have listened to my coworkers. Three of my female coworkers were pretty vocal that she was just odd and I would drive myself nuts trying to figure this one out... .Flash forward a few months and I am doing just as they said...

There's a bunch of us who are, ... .maybe... .beating ourselves up a little - over not recognising the disorder or abusive behaviour.

My counsellor actually scolded me at our most recent session when I said I was so naive.
And I understand why - most of us weren't actually naive.
That's over-simplifying sh*t which needs to be properly examined.

But anyway - I went through this myself for ages - thinking I was naive and defective - & I have a little story I'd like to share that may or may not help to re-evaluate. Or simply just offer another perspective:
=====

I had friends over for dinner, a couple -  Y & J, last April - only friends I think who ever met my ex  .
We left my BPDex and J alone at the dinner table at one stage, while we retreated to the TV room, so they could get to know each other a little better.
Later, they joined us.

My BPDex abruptly and inexplicably began behaving like a witch. Degrading me somewhat in front of them and being quite nasty.
I was pretty shocked at first, believing I must have come off as arrogant somehow -  but when she didn't relent I began to get fed up, and my INFJ switch flicked and I took her apart a little. (This was obviously pretty embarrassing in front of friends)

But this didn't register to me as a crazy person do what crazy people do - just someone acting like a nasty cow with PMS or something.

Apparently on the way home, my friend's girlfriend, J, turned around to him and said - 'She is not mentally stable, I'll bet she will pull the pregnancy card if they split up"

They didn't tell me this at the time. They waited until after the break up.
They weren't surprised about the false pregnancy claim or suicide threats.
They were shocked by the false DV allegation and attempted hit'n'run.


After the break up, I asked J how she had known that M wasn't mentally stable. I needed to know. It made me very concerned that I was the only one who hadn't been in the know.
J is often quite good at reading people anyway, she had experience with counselling and so on.
I'd never directly experienced many mental health related issues and was ignorant of mental illnesses other than depression, so I thought counselling was only for badly damaged people up until around that point.

So anyway, J told me, when we'd left the dinner table, my ex -M- had turned to J and started telling her - ":)on't tell infjEpic this, because he'll get really angry, but I used to do loads of LSD".

[SIDEBAR:
My ex had told me she way, way before this, that she had done LSD when she was younger and I wasn't angry in the least, I was fascinated actually, because despite being a long term PED abuser, I've never used recreational drugs. Having lived so responsibly and so disciplined for so long, having been in 12 years worth of 2 Long Term Relationships prior to the BPD relationship, having worked multiple jobs to support girlfriends through periods of unemployment... .etc. etc. etc. I felt I had missed out on a lot and used to have an awful lot of deep regrets about that - which ironically my exposure to the BPD relationship cured rather thoroughly.
My ex said LSD usage was what drove her first boyfriend to kill himself. In hindsight, I DO believe LSD was involved, but I very strongly believe she drove him to it after she had an abortion, but that's another story. ]


I'd always considered myself a reasonably good judge of character.
But then... .for ages, I thought there was something deeply wrong with me.

And wouldn't you agree?

J was able to discern something was 'off' - based on one fairly brief meeting.
Whereas I had spent every waking hour with my ex, M, for about 2 months, and was only just beginning to have an indication that something was seriously wrong.

And I went on believing this for quite a while.
.
.
.
 
Seems kinda straightforward doesn't it?
I had theories. Women are better at reading people. J had prior personal and occupational exposure to mental illness.
I'm defective and J clearly isn't.

I don't know why exactly - but maybe because I finally got to a point where I was able to stop focusing on my own pain - I suddenly gained a very different perspective.
 
Here are some of the 'missing scenes':
When I left the dinner table, while my ex was telling J about her LSD usage - my (mostly former) friend Y, was in the living room with me, showing me pictures of this woman he was planning to cheat on J with, and basically looking for my approval (I've never condoned cheating, but having come out of an LTR where I was led to believe my Long Term ex had cheated on me (she hadn't, but women can be especially nasty), I just don't know what the hell he was thinking looking for my approval.

I knew he had cheated on her in the past. Lied to her about MDMA use. About various things.

He's not disordered, my BPDex actually suggested he had NPD! - And although he has had a number of episodes which would be characteristic of NPD... .I disagree, he was just very selfish and immature.

Not long after this, Y actually left his girlfriend - and had a bunch of different women... .AND - I have very strong suspicions, but no proof, that something happened with my ex and him - while she was still with me [and that's also a story for another day]

Y & J got back together later.
She's now pregnant with his child and they're engaged.
I know he has continued to lie to her, about a number of things.
But she has also experienced a number of things - in front of her face - which I think to any of us would be severe red flags.

If I was so defective and J isn't - then why are our roles reversed?
Why is it - that she can't and hasn't been able to see the wood from the trees, when to me it is almost shouting me in the face.

[FSTL]

My BPDx told me how empty and uninteresting she felt when on dates or for business lunches. She basically asked me to teach her how to have a conversation. Before I knew about this aspect of BPD, I told her how to keep a conversation, one part of which was to show an interest in the other person's interests (eg by asking questions). I guess it's not surprising an empty vessel will try and fill itself with whatever is in front of it, but in part to seem interesting to the other person, who they want to have an attachment with or draw validating from.